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Tag: hormones

41 weeks

By

On March 28, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester

41weeksbelly

Here I am at 48 weeks pregnant.

Oh wait no, 41. Just 41 weeks.

I swear every single day this week has felt a week long. At least. It is so weird how time works like that. I could hardly believe how fast this pregnancy flew by and then it’s like time slammed on its brakes in the last week.

I have my ups and downs about being overdue. I’m mostly just thankful he’s healthy. In some ways Joel has it worse than me. He goes to work every day where he gets the “haven’t you had that baby yet?” several times every day. Of course Joel doesn’t mind but I’m sure it would drive me crazy. I on the other hand stay home and so I only get the random text checking in which just feels sweet.

Funnily enough the only one to give me a little bit of a hard time in person is the nurse at my OB’s office. She was all, “I went on vacation and everything! Why haven’t you had him yet?” Joel says I actually rolled my eyes. Oops. I mean really though, if you work in an office with a bunch of pregnant ladies shouldn’t you know better?

NST3

Wesley is still as healthy as ever. He passed another NST today although he was quite a bit lazier than usual. In fact, I was starting to get a little worried because normally the bands around my belly make Wesley annoyed and he kicks up a storm. I asked Joel to say something to him just to be sure. Joel just said Wesley’s name really quick and this immediately happened.

NSTJoeltalkkick

The little black arrows indicate kicks and his heart rate went up a bit (which is exactly what it’s supposed to do when he moves). Proof this kid loves his daddy’s voice more than any other sound in the world. It is the sweetest, coolest thing ever to me.

I talked to my midwife about my concerns about his hands being up by his face and she eased my mind a lot. Apparently it’s only a concern when his hand is over his head. She said he’s so engaged in my pelvis right now that she’s not worried about that happening at all. I didn’t have her check me for further dilation since I haven’t had any “real” contractions since she checked me last. She also mentioned my original dating ultrasound put my due date at March 23rd. They don’t officially change things unless they’re a week or more off but likely he’s a couple days less late than we’re counting right now.

So we wait. Still no induction date because there’s currently no medical reason to set one. At least the weather has finally started to improve. And if he decides to stick around I guess I’ll actually get to have Easter dinner with Joel’s family. That would be fun. Plus, April’s birthstone is diamonds. Aquamarine is pretty but who can really complain about diamonds, right?

“Bigger than average”

By

On March 26, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

“Bigger than average”

By

On March 26, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester, Uncategorized

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

Overdue

By

On March 25, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester

Mallwalking

And I’m surprisingly okay with it.

Now yesterday? I was decidedly not okay with it. I also reserve the right to not be okay with this whole overdue thing at any point in the future.

However I woke up this morning feeling really zen about the whole thing. Here is why:

I’m waited on hand and foot– Joel treats me like a queen. More than usual even. This is mostly due to the fact that moving is freaking difficult anymore. If he’s not there to help me off the couch chances are, unless it’s an emergency, I just won’t get up. It’s that much of an effort. He knows that and really doesn’t mind grabbing me a glass of water or tea or helping me yank off my shoes. It’s kind of awesome really. Once this kid is out I’ll have a couple more weeks of guilt free queen-dom and then I’ll have to go back to actually doing things for myself. Why rush it?

I eat what I want – Seriously. At this point I’ve only gained about 25 pounds which is the low end of what I’m supposed to gain. So I eat whatever sounds delicious. And sure, I struggle with nausea still which is really frustrating but, when that eases up, I stuff my face with popcorn and nutella and brownies and ice cream and pizza and…. well you get the point. Once this kid is out I’m going to want to start thinking about losing the baby weight. Who really wants to rush to eat less dessert? Not me.

Everyone smiles at me – It’s something I’ve noticed lately. Everywhere I go people look at me and grin. I’m assuming it’s because I’m just such an adorable pregnant lady and not because I spilled something down the front of me. Although there are plenty of times when the spilling thing is true too. Plus, the look on people’s faces when they ask me when I’m due and I say “last Thursday” cracks me up.

My house is SO clean – I’m generally a messy person. However, the idea of bringing a brand new baby into a messy house makes me insane so my house has never been and stayed so clean for so long. I have a feeling I won’t be as concerned about messiness when I’m battling the newborn haze so I’m enjoying this while it lasts.

It’s not like I’m going to sleep better – I get frustrated with the pregnancy insomnia and the waking up every couple of hours to pee. But I’m well aware of the fact that newborns take sleep deprivation to a whole new level so there’s no point in rushing that. I enjoy the sleep that I can get while I’m getting it.

I love my bump – Sure it makes standing up, rolling over in bed or any movement all at really tricky but seriously I love it. I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I will miss this big old bump (and the kicks I feel in it) more than anything else about pregnancy.

Everything is healthy – and really I’m only 4 days late. That’s not that late, although it does kind of feel like an eternity.  Wesley has passed two non stress tests with flying colors. The contractions that I’m having I either can’t feel at all or aren’t really that uncomfortable. My body has dilated and effaced some already so that bodes well for when I go into active labor. We get to see him on an ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure his fluids and movements and all that are good.

My midwife says boys are 8 days late on average. I asked if there was a limit for how long I could go and she said no. She doesn’t like to set an arbitrary induction date because, as long as everything is healthy, an induction date just puts pressure on the whole situation. I love that so much. She did say we could induce any time I wanted “today even” and I’m not going to lie I considered it for a fraction of a second. But really, my body is doing it’s thing, Wesley seems healthy and comfortable and I hear pitocin is a real bitch. No reason to stress him or my uterus unless it looks like he or I aren’t doing well anymore.

NST2

So yeah, as of this moment I’m fine with being pregnant forever. We’re still doing all the things (tea, pineapple, primrose oil, walking, sex (I’m thinking Joel is secretly okay with me going awhile yet because of this one) bouncing on an exercise ball, spicy foods…. and some I’m forgetting. Really, all the things) to get things going. If you’d like to give me advice on something else to try let me refer you to number 5 on this post… and then please don’t. I appreciate the thought but it makes me want to rage quit the internet.

I’m okay with being late. Really.

40 weeks

By

On March 21, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester

Hi due date!

40weeksbelly

We made it to 40 weeks.

I picked this shirt for my 40 week picture on purpose because I thought it might be fun to see how accurate those belly pillows are at Motherhood. If you follow me on Instagram you may remember when I posted this:

compare1

I was 25 weeks at the time and the belly was supposed to add three months.

compare25vs40

And three and half months later? It’s not too far off actually. Thankfully my actual belly looks less like a lumpy pillow.

Anyway, on to pregnancy news. Obviously Wesley decided to be an individual and not come on the 17th. That’s okay, at this point I’m happy with any birth day he chooses.

Any.

Hear that, Wesley?

Obviously I’d prefer it be sooner rather than later.

This morning was rough. I woke up feeling like crap. Thinking maybe I just needed to eat, I had breakfast… and proceeded to see it in reverse. Ugh. Seriously, at 40 weeks I should not still be suffering from morning sickness. My body is a cruel, cruel bitch sometimes.

So of course after that I had a massive meltdown. I texted Joel that he needed to come home right now (as opposed to in ten minutes when he was planning on leaving to pick me up for our appointment.) I’m sure he probably thought I was in labor. Oops, sorry babe. Anyway, he calmed me down and assured me that I would not in fact be pregnant and nauseated forever and we managed to make it into our appointment on time.

Thankfully the appointment went great. I had a non stress test and found out I was actually having contractions. Who knew? I couldn’t feel them but apparently they were there. Wesley tolerated them great and was wiggling and kicking up a storm. Pretty sure he wasn’t a fan of the pressure the belts put on my belly because he kept kicking right on them.

NST

Ignore my puffy eyes. That’s what a hysterical meltdown right before an appointment gets you.

The midwife asked if I wanted to be checked and I decided to go ahead and find out. (Yes, I’m about to talk about my cervix so if that’s not your thing move on to the next paragraph.) I honestly didn’t expect to be dilated at all and to get super discouraged but I just needed to know. Thankfully it was great news! The first thing she said was that she can feel his head. He’s apparently really low, like 0 or even -1 station. I guess that’s why it feels like he’s taking a pair of scissors to my cervix half the time, he is IN my pelvis. I’m also dilated to 3cm, and 60% effaced. Apparently that’s really good for a first time mom. happy dance. She asked if I wanted her to sweep my membranes and since I’m already a bit dilated I said sure. It was uncomfortable for sure but honestly not worse than Wesley’s head banging against it all day. I’ve noticed some of my mucous plug now since I’ve gone to the restroom a couple times. Being excited about seeing mucus when you wipe has to be the weirdest thing ever but if I hadn’t been in a public restroom I may have shouted Woo Hoo! out loud. Pregnancy is so glamorous you guys.

All of that may not mean that he’s coming in the next day or two but at least there is something going on. We didn’t discuss induction or anything, I’m just coming back to be monitored every three days or so and if I make it to 41 weeks (oh god, please no) we’ll do a sonogram to make sure everything still looks okay. It’s really great to have care providers that aren’t rushing me. I know that isn’t always the case and it’s great to feel respected and well taken care of.

So we wait. It’s so annoying being in this limbo. I feel like I can’t make any plans because who knows if the baby will be here or coming or whatever. I’m trying to still enjoy this down time. Joel and I have been doing a lot of cuddling and watching movies and just being quiet. I’ve gotten some video clips of Wesley moving around my belly. I miss Phoebe like mad and I can’t wait to meet Wesley but I really am trying to appreciate these last few moments with just Joel. So soon everything will be completely different.

10 things that will make me cry or want to punch you in the throat

By

On March 19, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester

pregnant girl cartoon by chris desatoff

Warning: This post is fueled entirely by hormones. Pregnancy has made me a bit sensitive and often times ridiculous. These or things like these have been said to me over the last couple of weeks and right now I’m feeling ranty about it. If you have in fact said one of these things or something similar? We’re good, really. I get over things pretty fast. Hormones are just oh so much fun. Love, puppies, rainbows and all that.

1. WOAH!

See also: What did you EAT?! You’re huge! Ready to pop, huh?

I get it, I’m big. Trust me, I feel a hundred times bigger than I look. My back hurts, I’m suddenly carrying all of my weight out in front of my body and I’m just. freaking. done. I already feel like a swollen buffalo, no need to rub it in.

Alternatively you could say:

You look great/cute/adorable etc!

I love your belly.

You’re glowing.

It’s not that you have to lie about how you think I look. If you think I look like a whale? Fine, me too! Just keep it to yourself.

2. Sleep now!

What human is not aware of the fact that babies don’t sleep well? I mean really. I knew signing up for this that once this kid comes I’m going to be a complete zombie for the better part of two years. And that’s if I stop at one kid.

The funny thing is, I didn’t realize my body would play this cruel sleep deprivation trick on me long before the baby ever shows up. Even if you don’t count the 15 times a night I get up to pee, I’m not sleeping very well. My back is killing me, rolling over practically takes a crane and my mind is going a zillion miles an hour. Trust me when I say I really want to be sleeping as much as possible now. You’re not being helpful when you rub in the fact that my days of good sleep are over.

Alternatively you could say:

Actually you know what? I don’t have an alternative for this one. Just don’t mention sleep. I KNOW!

3. I was  ___ days/weeks late

See also: He’ll come when he’s ready.

Okay first of all, babies know when they’re ready? Really? Explain preemies then please. I’m pretty sure they didn’t choose their birth because they were ready. I would think the same thing goes for full term babies. Not to say I think my kid is dumb but I also don’t think he’s been in the womb getting his medical degree.

As far as you telling me how you were sooo late, I sympathize, I really do. However, right now when I’m at the end, hearing how you were several weeks late just makes me go into a mild panic. I already feel like this kid will never ever come out and you telling me how you were a month late only intensifies that fear.

Alternatively you could say:

I know how much you want him here.

Waiting is frustrating, I know.

4. Had that baby yet?

I am an open person. I’ve blogged, tweeted, facebooked and instagramed the majority of this pregnancy. I don’t plan to suddenly keep this baby a big secret once he gets here. I will announce it! If you’re wondering, just check my feed, or my page or my stream. There will be something there. Promise. If you can’t be bothered to do a quick check of any of those then I refer you to this – Have You Had That Baby Yet?

Alternatively you could say:

Can’t wait to hear the news about your baby!

I bet you can’t wait to meet him.

5. Have you tried (insert wive’s tale) to get labor going?

Yes, yes, I have. And probably some you haven’t heard of. And on the off chance I haven’t tried it it’s because I think it’s too gross or weird. I know you’re trying to be helpful but you’re just really not going to tell me some magical thing I haven’t heard of before.

Also, don’t tell me how you had exactly 3/4 of a pineapple, bounced on a ball 42 times and stood on your head and that made labor start. Because then I’ll probably try it. And it won’t work. And then I’ll hate you a little bit.

Alternatively you could say:

See numbers 3 and 4.

6. All first babies are late

See also: I bet he’s going to come (insert date that is weeks late).

Not ALL first babies are late. I do realize that most first babies are late, but why rub it in? He might not be late. Or he might and I’ll get over it. You saying or even hoping he’ll be late just makes me think you enjoy seeing me miserable.

Alternatively you could say:

I’m sure it will be any day now.

He’s almost here.

7. I hope he’s a week late like you were.

Okay, so apparently my mom said this. And I guess she gets to. I was clearly a jerk being a week late. I hate me.

Love you, Mom.

8. You look tired.

I AM! But really you should never say this to anyone ever. All we hear is, you look like shit.

Alternative:

You look great.

Or don’t lie, but say nothing. Refer to number 1 for other options.

9. Are you really going to eat that?

Yes, and if you don’t back off I may also eat your face.

Alternatively:

Want my food?

10. I ripped from end to end…

and other horror stories.

I’m scared enough already. Trust me. Plus, I’ve probably read every terrifying story possible (and impossible) online. I can’t stop reading birth stories, it’s an addiction. However, I seek that out and can click away at any time. If you’re telling me your story I have to be polite and finish listening while my uterus tries to actually detach itself and run away screaming from my body.

Alternatively:

Wishing you a quick/easy/healthy etc delivery.

Bonus things any pregnant lady would love to hear:

I love you.

Let me tell you about my amazing, easy birth.

You’re beautiful.

Want (insert delicious food item)?

Have a seat I’ll get that.

You guys are going to be great parents.

I’m so excited for you!

Fellow pregnant ladies and mothers, what did I miss? I can’t be the only one to hear these kinds of things and have to grin through gritted teeth while I wanted to either burst into tears or give the speaker a quick punch to the throat, right?

The featured cartoon was a custom drawing done for me by the fabulous Chris Desatoff which I was lucky enough to win from a contest he did on his blog I Work Off the Clock. Definitely go check out him out.

35 weeks

By

On February 14, 2013

In pictures, Pregnancy, third trimester

35weeksbelly

I’m not feeling very inspired to write this post. Probably because I’ve been resisting the urge to crawl into a hole lately, the reasons for which I explained in this post.

I’m not sure if it’s because of those reasons or just extra hormones or a combination but I’ve reached the weepy portion of this pregnancy. I thought I had before but suddenly things have cranked themselves up a notch. Best example lately was when Joel asked me to find him the post I wrote about why I don’t do Valentine’s Day for a post he was writing. Dummy me read through it and got to the part about my childhood dog dying and I had a complete. melt. down.

I’m talking full on, gasping, hysterical crying.

I grabbed Phoebe and started bawling into her fur about how she was going to die someday too. Poor Joel just sat next to me with a mixture of sympathy and total bewilderment. I mean, my dog died 13 years ago, it’s hardly fresh enough for that kind of reaction. In the middle of my sobs I looked up and saw both Phoebe and Joel staring at me like O_O and just as fast as I melted down I realized how funny it was and started laughing hysterically. Joel then started laughing so hard that he choked.

So yeah, living with me has been a bit of a roller coaster lately. Joel really deserves some kind of medal or something.

Thankfully we have some fun plans for this weekend so hopefully I’ll be able to snap out of this funk.

Tomorrow Joel and I have plans to attend the Chicago Auto Show which I am both excited and nervous about. Why nervous? Because lately it doesn’t take much physical activity to make my lower back and pelvis feel like it’s trying to break itself in half. So fun. If you’ve ever been to the auto show you know it’s huge and even without being pregnant my legs and back could get sore after all that walking. Throw in a 4-5lb human sitting in my pelvis and I’m not sure how I’m going to make it. Joel wants to rent a wheelchair for me but that just feels completely ridiculous. I want to go and I don’t want to be in extreme pain so I may let him talk me into it but, ugh it just feels so melodramatic. I’m pregnant not handicapped.

Someone tell me if it’s really ridiculous or if I should just get over myself.

Saturday we have an interview scheduled at the daycare we plan to send our little guy. I was supposed to be going back to work this March but I took another furlough so I won’t be going back until next March. I’m not sure how that will factor into the daycare thing as I don’t plan to send him if I’m not working. But the interview was scheduled before we knew about the furlough so I guess we’ll see how things go. I feel like a real parent, interviewing a daycare. I guess I should get used to that feeling as I am about to actually be a real parent. I can’t quite wrap my head around that idea yet.

And last but not least, we finally got the maternity pictures! They deserve their own post but I’ll put this one up as a sneak peek.

DSC_9316 watermark

More coming next week!

 

We have a doctor

By

On February 17, 2012

In first trimester, Pregnancy

Well today went fabulously. The practice is warm and friendly and everyone was very nice and put me at ease. We met with a nurse practitioner who doesn’t actually do deliveries but she was so bubbly and easy to talk to. She took the time to answer all of my questions and I loved her answers which is probably even more important. Joel was pretty quiet (except about the floors. They had these natural looking cork floors and whenever we were alone he went on and on about how cool they were. He even took a picture. He makes me giggle.) but when we left he said he felt really good about everything as well.

We set up our next appointment with the actual OB to do an ultrasound and measure exactly how far along the baby is. According to the chart I’m due on October 18th but once we do the ultrasound and measure the fetus things will be much more official. I think once we finally get an ultrasound things will start to sink in. With barely any symptoms it’s hard to believe I’m actually pregnant still. It feels like a dream I’m going to wake up from at any moment or something.

Speaking of dreams, I’m a bit embarrassed that I had my first real panic last night about all this. I haven’t been sleeping very well at night lately but since I knew I had to get up in time for my appointment I tried to force myself to go to bed and sleep. I tossed and turned for ages and all I had to do was lie there and think. Of course the mind hardly ever goes to happy fun places when you’re desperately trying to sleep while watching the hours left until the alarm goes off get shorter and shorter.

I started to think about what a big freaking deal this is. I mean, I’m going to be responsible for a human! And they’re never safe. Ever! I’ve been around the internet enough to know that tragedies happen and it’s rarely expected. Once we make it past the first trimester it doesn’t make my pregnancy safe. And then once the pregnancy is over I have this tiny fragile person to keep alive. And on and on it goes.

Of course I also thought about how worthless I am without sleep. And what really made me panic was the thought that come October I’m never going to sleep again. Ever. And then I had the horrible thought that I wished I could take it all back. I love my life the way it is and why in the world would I want to change it? Which of course made me feel horribly guilty. This of course made me cry even harder. I’m so lucky to have a wonderful husband that noticed my crying and rolled over to cuddle me and help me feel better and I fell asleep shortly after.

Poor guy isn’t even a dad yet and he’s already getting woken up by a sobbing human. At least I’m fully potty trained.

Of course in the light of day everything seems brighter. I’m already madly in love with this kid inside me, even though things have still yet to feel really real. Of course I want this baby and would be devastated if anything was wrong. I feel like the worst of persons for even thinking about taking it back. What kind of mother thinks that?

I did think it though and I don’t want to be fake here. It was just a horrible moment brought on by over tiredness and hormones but it was a moment.

Thankfully for the most part I’ve been unreasonably happy. I suppose it’s only natural for things to swing the other way from time to time. Right?

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