You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

Month: October 2012

Today was my due date

Phoebe gets worried about me when I cry

I should have been in labor today.

Or I should have been big as a house and wishing I was in labor.

Or maybe I’d already be working on getting the hang of nursing and diaper changes and sleep deprivation.

Seventeen is a special number to me. It’s the date of Joel’s (November) and my (January) birthdays and it’s the date of our anniversary (April). When we found out the due date it just seemed meant to be.

It wasn’t.

I’m happy that I have been able to go on and have a healthy pregnancy so soon after my loss. I’m lucky, I know I’m so lucky. But today, just for today, I wish we would have waited. Because today all I am is sad that I’m not holding a full term baby.

This day has hung like a cloud over me ever since March when we found out there was nothing growing in my uterus anymore. Fittingly today it’s thunder storming. I’m allowing myself today to just be in the storm. I’m going to cry, and remember the baby I never had. Later tonight Joel and I will light a candle on a cupcake in honor of the birthday that will never be.

Dear almost baby,

I miss you. I wish I was meeting you today. I dreamed last night that I went to Alaska. I’d like to think that was your way of telling me you’re in heaven with your uncle. I hope you’re safe and happy. I hope you know how much I wish I was getting to know you right now. I hope you know how much your daddy and I love you. You’ll always be in our hearts even though you were never in our arms.

All my love, Mommy


After a storm…

there’s a rainbow:

I’m 17 weeks.


I know. I’ll get into the reasons why we waited so long to share in another post. They might be different than you’d expect (although if you’ve experienced a loss maybe not).

For now I’ll say that the baby seems healthy. I had a rough go of it as far as “morning” (ha! I wish) sickness goes but I’m slowly moving past that and thanking God every day for the invention of Zofran. Other than that, things have been going well.

I would post a bump picture but so far there’s really none to speak of unless you’re looking at me naked and I have a strict no naked pictures policy on this blog. I can tell my waistline has changed though and I find myself wanting to shout “I haven’t just eaten too many cheeseburgers, I’m pregnant!” to everyone I meet.

But I digress.

I’m falling more and more in love with this baby especially since I’ve felt the very first flutters not long ago. This is real. This is happening.

My lucky charm is coming March 2013.

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