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A birthday wish

Postponing my regularly scheduled belly update because it’s my birthday!



And since this is the one day of the year I feel entitled to ask for something I’m asking that you all do something good for a dear friend of mine.

This is my friend Melissa with Joel and I on her birthday in 2011


And this is Melissa back when we met as dorky little teenagers.

melissa and me

Not pictured: the giant thumb covering 1/8 of the picture. Ah the good old days when we had no clue we needed retakes for blinking or fingers covering the picture.

melissa and me shakespeare

We met doing community theatre together. Or I just had really awkward fashion sense back then. Probably both.

She will likely want to kill me for posting the above pictures but I’m posting pictures of my ridiculous, awful short hair so I’m calling it even.

Anyway, Melissa is one of the most amazing, vibrant people I’ve ever known. She’s been a successful actress (you’ve probably heard her voice in commercials), excelled at college and has led a group of youth that loves her to pieces. It’s basically impossible not to love Melissa if you’ve met her.

She now has been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) which means a lot of complicated things that I don’t really understand. All I know is, she’s in a lot of pain and can’t do the things she used to do. Her mom posted this status to Facebook last night:

“Bad EDS day for Melissa today–worst since Mayo. Too tired to the point of feeling comatose, too tired to eat, too tired to walk up the stairs, too tired to use laptop or watch TV–not to mention the pain. As a mom–feel quite helpless as I can do nothing but wait 2 months for the specialist in Chicago…”

And reading it broke my heart.

Melissa is a fighter. She’s seen many doctors and specialists but part of the problem with figuring out the best treatment is that this isn’t a “popular” disease. I know I’d never heard of it before. In order to find the best treatments so she can go back to living her life to the fullest it needs to be recognized.

And that’s where you come in.

I’m not asking for money, just a few minutes of your time to sign this petition:

Recognize Ehlers Danlos Syndrome: Create awareness and have EDS recognized as a disability.

Recognize Ehlers Danlos Syndrome: Create awareness and have EDS recognized as a disability.

Recognize Ehlers Danlos Syndrome: Create awareness and have EDS recognized as a disability.

You do have to register on the site to sign the petition but the email only takes a few minutes to show up and they don’t ask for much information. Just your name, email and zipcode.

There’s a long way to go to get to the necessary number of signatures so that this actually gets an official response. This disease needs more awareness though if real treatments are going to be found. If ridiculous petitions like asking the government to build a Death Star can get enough signatures then I think this one can too.

Please help. I want nothing more for my birthday than to see my good friend get back to living a normal, happy, healthy life.



Get Off My Internets. Or not.

So there’s this site that I’d never heard of until a blogger I read brought it up because nasty things were being said about them on there. Since I’m the sort who likes to test hot plates and wet paint I trotted off to see what all the ruckus was about.

And I fell down a black hole of snark, criticism and downright hate.

Now Get Off My Internets’ ad network has pulled and so the creator and editor posted that they would be shutting it down (<- not a direct link to GOMI, in case you don’t like giving them the traffic). I’ll admit my first reaction was, “Heh, least surprising thing ever.” Others’ reactions were kind of interesting to me though.

There are currently fourteen pages (and counting) of posts begging it to stay around and an impressive number of people offering to pay a subscription fee or donate. I haven’t read if there has been a hard resolution from the editor but, if the number of comments offering to throw money at the site are any indication, Get Off My Internets won’t be going anywhere.

As a online nobody the whole thing kind of fascinates me. On the one hand, people on those forums are very often incredibly nasty. They pick apart these bloggers detail by detail. In reading I have to smirk at someone going on and on about how much they can’t stand a blogger but read every post, not only on their blog but Twitter, Facebook, Instagram etc etc etc. Some of the things said go way beyond annoyance or criticism and verge on stalking behavior and obsession. Much is just blatantly untrue. It’s bullying and I believe that bullying is incredibly wrong and hurtful.

On the other hand, I’ve gone back to lurk more than once in the same way I’ll thumb through a gossip magazine in the grocery aisle if a celebrity I like is on the cover. I have a rule that I’ll never post there, whether it’s in agreement or disagreement. I refuse to participate in bullying. I also know that no one is going to get their mind changed because I try and defend someone I like. So I lurk and roll my eyes and occasionally gasp or snort.

So do I hope Get Off My Internets gets shut down? Meh. It wouldn’t be a great loss to me, that’s for sure. I have actually found a few bloggers on there who are now in my Google reader. And since I did not subscribe to hate on them or snark but because I found them funny or interesting it’s arguably a win for those bloggers? I’m sure I can’t be the only one who has been directed to blogs I might never have heard of from that site. There are obviously more positive ways for me to find new blogs though. I only read there occasionally and it definitely doesn’t fill my brain with positivity, to say the least. I would not miss it very much.

However, I’m not rooting for them to get shut down. It is the internet forum version of a gossip magazine. Sure, I hate the body snark and the misinformation and ridiculous nitpicking. But I think it’s okay that those magazines (and this forum) exist. No one forces anyone to be a celebrity. No one forces anyone to write a blog. Commentary comes with the package deal of putting ones thoughts and life on the internet.

I realize this is easy for me to say as a virtually unknown blogger. No one has verbally attacked me or my family. I do understand that by writing on here I have opened myself up to that potential though. Right now I’m okay with it. If enough people say enough things that are hurtful enough I may reconsider that.

So Get Off My Internets or Stay On My Internets. I don’t have a vote either way. In the same way I’ll crane my neck at a wreck on the side of the road I’ll be following to see which happens.




Today was my due date

Phoebe gets worried about me when I cry

I should have been in labor today.

Or I should have been big as a house and wishing I was in labor.

Or maybe I’d already be working on getting the hang of nursing and diaper changes and sleep deprivation.

Seventeen is a special number to me. It’s the date of Joel’s (November) and my (January) birthdays and it’s the date of our anniversary (April). When we found out the due date it just seemed meant to be.

It wasn’t.

I’m happy that I have been able to go on and have a healthy pregnancy so soon after my loss. I’m lucky, I know I’m so lucky. But today, just for today, I wish we would have waited. Because today all I am is sad that I’m not holding a full term baby.

This day has hung like a cloud over me ever since March when we found out there was nothing growing in my uterus anymore. Fittingly today it’s thunder storming. I’m allowing myself today to just be in the storm. I’m going to cry, and remember the baby I never had. Later tonight Joel and I will light a candle on a cupcake in honor of the birthday that will never be.

Dear almost baby,

I miss you. I wish I was meeting you today. I dreamed last night that I went to Alaska. I’d like to think that was your way of telling me you’re in heaven with your uncle. I hope you’re safe and happy. I hope you know how much I wish I was getting to know you right now. I hope you know how much your daddy and I love you. You’ll always be in our hearts even though you were never in our arms.

All my love, Mommy


Six years

Six years.


That’s how long Joel and I have been married, as of today.

If our marriage was a human it would be getting ready to go to first grade this fall.

It’s amazing to me how much we’ve done and seen and grown in those years.

We’ve moved five times. We’ve both changed jobs more than once. We’ve visited five continents together. We adopted and have raised a pretty freaking awesome little dog who just turned three. We’ve driven from one end of the country to the other. We’ve visited twenty seven of the fifty states together.

We’ve fought and yelled and cried. We’ve very nearly called it quits. More than once. We’ve gone through the utter elation of expectant parenthood only to be crushed by losing the pregnancy.

I’m so glad we fought for our marriage and made it through the dark times though because they made us so much stronger.

Far outnumbering the downs there have been so many more times that we’ve joked and been silly and laughed till our stomachs hurt and tears were running down our faces.

I can be completely and totally myself around him. Whether myself at the time means talking in crazy cartoon voices at the dog, being a raging lunatic who needs chocolate right this second, or just really wanting to cuddle, he takes it in stride.

I have never known anyone so well.  In the car today all he had to say was “Is this going to be like the time when…” and I could already say yes because I knew the end of the question. Yep, we have officially turned into that annoying couple that finishes each others sentences.

He is truly my best friend. He is an amazing lover. He is brilliant and creative. Every time I see him around kids I can see what an incredible daddy he will be someday. He treats me like a queen and rarely asks for anything in return.

I am not the same person I was when I said I do six years ago. Joel is very different as well. The best part of marriage is making that journey to a new a better version of yourself with someone you love at your side. Life is one big adventure and I couldn’t have picked a better companion to share the journey with me.

Six years down and I look forward to at least sixty six more.

A clean start

I’m so happy to put March behind me. The whole month was pretty awful. Sure, there was some really unusually warm and beautiful weather. (80+ in Chicago in March? What planet is this?) But I was too busy trying to resist the urge to dig a hole and crawl in it forever to really enjoy the weather.

About halfway through the month though, when I stopped being sure I’d never feel happiness again, I started a purge of the junk and clutter in our home.

I am a pack rat. I come by it naturally. My dad keeps everything. Old magazines with articles he wants to read, church bulletins, broken things that he could fix. He was even telling me he has old ration stamps back from WWII. No lie.

A combination of those tendencies of mine, a small one bedroom apartment with a serious lack of closet space and sheer laziness led to an embarrassing amount of clutter in our house and garage. And one day, for seemingly no reason at all, I had enough.

Joel and I spent all day on St. Patrick’s Day cleaning out our garage. We threw out a ton of stuff, donated a decent amount of other stuff and then made sure that what we were keeping was neatly in labeled boxes. Then, over the last couple of weeks, I tackled the apartment.

Now, I don’t want you to get the idea that our apartment or garage was Hoarders-worthy. I didn’t work hard on it all day every day the last couple of weeks. But little by little I sorted and organized and last night I realized our apartment is actually clean and organized for the first time in… ever?

There is still a lot of stuff. I will always hold strong emotional value to objects, it’s just in my DNA. I really think that’s okay. However now a bunch of my favorite photos are in frames and hung or displayed. The treasures I’ve picked up on my travels are out on shelves where I can be reminded of the trip on which I bought them. My books are in neat lines on the shelves instead of crammed on top of each other.

But I feel like it’s clean. I feel relaxed in my house instead of guilty that I’m not cleaning. I know where everything is if I need it.

Everything isn’t fixed with a clean house. But it sure is a great start and I hope that it’s an indication that this month will only get better.

Two really sucky options

I’ve said it before. The dentist freaks me the heck out. I hate to admit it because I’m not normally so… normal? I mean, it’s normal to be afraid of the dentist right?

Please say yes. I don’t need to feel worse about this.

Thankfully I have excellent dental hygiene. I brush twice a day. I floss every night. I use mouthwash. I’ve never had many dental problems. I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. I also had a wee little filling on something that was a soft spot not a cavity. Or something. I’m not a dentist.

I had hoped that that would be the end of my relationship with the dentist other than regular cleanings. Wouldn’t you know it couldn’t be that simple.


So now this stupid tooth that never bothered me before ever hurts like crazy. That’s not the way these things are supposed to work right? No pain, get a filling, one year later extreme pain? Seems backwards, am I right?

Naturally the first thing anyone would do when they get shooting pains when they so much as brush in the area, much less eat anything hot or cold, would be to call the dentist right? Well…. I may have put it off… awhile.

Like a week. I really honestly hoped it would go away.

Needless to say it didn’t. And when I put down a bar of Godiva chocolate because it hurt too much to eat it I knew I had to suck it up and make a call.

Yesterday I had an appointment with an endodontist because when I explained my symptoms to my dentist they thought I may need a root canal. Yay!

I went to the office, filled out some paperwork (By the way, how mean is it to expect someone to remember important information like their SSN or their husband’s driver’s license number with the sound of sucking and drilling as background noise. ::shiver:: Wait, who remembers their own driver’s license number much less their husband’s? Seriously.) and tried not to pass out, throw up or shiver too visibly. Spoiler alert: I did none of those things. Win!

Well, after taking some x-rays and then poking around in my mouth to find out if it hurt. (Yes it freaking did!) I was told I have two options. Both of them suck. Of course.

Option one: Try to repair my damaged filling and hope that will fix it. It’s definitely the less invasive option. It also won’t cost a fortune which is a big plus. The downside is, it may not actually fix it at all. In fact, I can expect to be in pain for the better part of a month. It may even make my pain worse, to the point of not sleeping, for awhile. And if it doesn’t work I could end up needing a root canal anyway, after all that.

Option two: Just go ahead and get a root canal. This would make the pain go away much faster because it gets rid of the nerve. No nerve, no pain! Wee! However, it would hollow out my tooth, weakening it and requiring a crown. Complications with that down the road could mean losing a tooth. It also may require my selling my first born child to pay for, I’m not entirely sure how much my insurance covers. I know it’s the more expensive option anyway.

So yeah, I’m putting off calling and scheduling anything because I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m also not in quite as much pain as before. Mostly because I’ve stopped chewing completely on that side of my mouth but whatever.

I need advice from someone with more dental experience than me. I’m leaning toward the first option, anything less drastic seems like a plus. But the idea of being in pain for a month is less than appealing. Tell me what I should do people! I need your help!

Favorite season not action

Tonight I can officially add the sidewalk to my list of dangerous objects.

Joel and I are running again. Hush, I heard that eye roll. I haven’t really mentioned it here or on Twitter because this is the third time I’ve started the C25K program. ::hangs head:: I know. I’m horrible at follow through. But whatever, this time I’ve gone much further than ever before and it feels awesome.

This is not a post about running though. This is a post about falling. Excited?

Joel and I have a habit of running in the evening. This started out of necessity because 6 weeks ago when we started it was 85 degrees, humid and sunny during the day and the one time we tried running in the afternoon I about collapsed halfway through. Humidity is the devil. Take note.

Well Fall is upon us here in Chicagoland and the temperatures have been extremely pleasant. Instead of changing our habits though we’ve continued to run after dark. It just works for us. Or it has so far.

Tonight I was feeling great on our run. The previous run was a full 20 minutes straight. I know! Head explosion over here. I’m still in shock that I actually did it. Anyway, after that long run going back to intervals (per the program) felt like a piece of cake. The weather was nice, I had my headphones in and was rocking out. I only had about 2 minutes left of my last running interval before the cool down and I let my mind wander.

I’ll never remember where it wandered because I realized the sidewalk had suddenly become slightly uneven and gravity was about to make me it’s bitch.

In my head it all happened in slow motion. The sidewalk dipped and my feet didn’t get the message fast enough. I tripped slightly and must have over corrected because instead of righting myself I kept going downward.

Bam! My right knee hit and I somehow still stumbled a bit more before my left knee followed with only slightly less force.

Bam! I reached my right palm out to catch myself but my momentum was too great and I continued down even further. The momentum was so great I scraped my knuckles on that same hand.

Bam! My left shoulder hit next and my mind immediately went to my iPhone which was in a case strapped to my bicep. Oh please don’t let it break. Yes, even with the threat of bones breaking my biggest concern was for my iPhone. I realize how pathetic that is.

Finally Bam! My face met the concrete and I could not fall any further.

I lay there for a moment completely in shock. My brain did a quick mental check of my bones and nothing felt broken. I lay face down on the pavement and the shock of it all, plus the sting of the scrapes caused me to burst into tears.

Joel was almost immediately by my side and I was soon sitting up on the sidewalk, testing my limbs to make sure none were seriously injured. Thank goodness none were. I was bleeding but not broken.

A minute passed, I’m still sitting there bawling when I realize a car is pulling up next to us. And then I saw the pretty red and blue lights flick on.

Oh yay, the police!

I scrabbled to my feet, tears and pain suddenly gone with the adrenaline of the embarrassment. The officer was incredibly nice and offered me an ambulance (which I obviously told him I didn’t need) and a ride home (which I was too embarrassed to accept). Because he stopped he had to take my name and information and write a quick report of the incident. Fan-freaking-tastic. I am officially on record as a klutz. His exact words were “So you just tripped over the curb or something stupid like that?” Yep, exactly stupid like that.

Needless to say I didn’t finish the run but walking home wasn’t a problem. Want to see the damage?

Sexy knees.

Shoulder and face. Please excuse the sweaty hair and face. Running isn’t something I get dressed up for.


So all in all nothing is too horrible. They definitely sting and I’m not looking forward to the probable black eye in a couple of days. I’m just super grateful it’s nothing more than a few superficial scrapes. As weird as it sounds I’m glad I caught myself with my face rather than catching the whole fall on my hands and snapping my wrist. Can’t fix that with a band-aid!

Despite my luck this time I think it’s about time we change our running habits. Uneven sidewalks are much easier to spot in daylight. I’d like to try and keep all my skin attached from now on thank you very much.


The argument against gay marriage

… and what is wrong with it.

Gay marriage is such a hot issue right now. Those that are for it scream for equality and justice. They want to be seen as equals in a society where they are expected to contribute equally in taxes and laws. Those that are against it fear for the end of civilization as we know it. I hear so many arguments against gay marriage. Here are my problems with some of them.

1. “It’s unnatural”– If you mean that there are no examples in nature then you should look at penguins, dolphins, albatross etc. Animals have all kinds of same sex relationships. In fact, over 450 species practice some sort of same sex activity. (NY Times)

If you mean they can’t reproduce then you are correct. However, we don’t outlaw marriage for the elderly and infertile. We also have not outlawed birth control. Natural procreation is only one of hundreds of  possible valid reasons to get married. There is nothing unnatural about desiring marriage for the sake of love, commitment and companionship.

2. “It goes against my religion” – That may very well be true. No one is asking you to change your religious beliefs. The beautiful thing about this country is that we have freedom to practice any belief system we see fit. We do not have a State church. Anyone, religious or non-religious, should be very appreciative of that. Christianity alone has so many denominations and there are extreme differences even between them. You are free to choose, not only your specific religion, but how when and where you practice it. The minute the government starts making laws based on one religion it puts all religious freedoms at risk.

3. “But… but… Sodom and Gomorrah!”– First of all, this is again, based on a specific religion and so shouldn’t have an influence on legislation. If however you’re afraid that our country will be destroyed in fire and brimstone or that you’ll be turned into a pillar of salt as a result then you’ll have to get in line. Spain, Norway, Sweden, Belgium, Portugal, Netherlands, Iceland, Canada and South Africa all have laws allowing gay marriage or domestic partnerships. If these countries start getting systematically destroyed by bizarre acts of nature we’ll have plenty of time to reevaluate our stance on things.

And if you really want to get theological about it, the perverts in Sodom and Gomorrah wanted to rape the angels that came to visit Lot.* Rape is a disgusting and abhorrent act. It could be argued that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, not for being cities full of people in loving, monogamous, same sex relationships, but rather because they were cities full of murderers and rapists. Plus, when God wanted to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah He said that if there were even 10 righteous men He would spare it. I certainly hope we could muster up that many righteous people in the event of imminent destruction. (Genesis 18 and 19)

4. “Marriage has always been this way.”- Marriage has actually changed drastically and often throughout history. Marriages used to be a simple property exchange. The man owned the women in order for her to produce heirs and do household tasks. Marriage used to involve one man and as many women as he could afford to keep. This was again to ensure he had as many heirs as physically possible. We have since changed the laws and marriage is now only recognized in most areas of the US as between two people.

Another very recent change to marriage is legalization of interracial marriage. As few as 45 years ago, interracial marriage was as illegal and feared as gay marriage is today. Opponents used the same arguments, that is was not biblical and that it was unnatural. They were afraid that it would produce mentally handicapped and damaged offspring. As a proud aunt of beautiful and brilliant interracial children the very idea that 50 years ago they wouldn’t have been allowed to see their mom and dad married sickens me. As a proud daughter-in-law of a highly intelligent and loving gay man I feel the same way for him. Sick.

Until relatively recently in history women and black people were seen as property. Should we go back to that because it’s the way it’s always been? Of course not! History is not the standard by which we set our values, attempting to mirror it as closely as possible. Instead, history is something we should examine carefully and learn from. We should be taking the good and rejecting the bad so that we can grow into a more ideal society.

I think it’s time to take a hard, honest look at the motivation behind these and any other arguments. They are all based on fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss of power. We have many examples of healthy, normal societies where gay marriage is nothing more than another normal relationship. These societies have yet to fall apart as a result.

Put yourself in their place. Would you not be devastated if your marriage was illegal? Would you not fight with every breath to see that changed? I know I would. I would also fight with every breath if my sister and brother-in-law could not be married just like I am fighting now for my father-in-law to be able to marry someone he loves.

Gay people aren’t looking to make your life harder. They’re not looking to affect your personal life at all.  All they want are the same rights and privileges that you enjoy. They don’t want any special treatment, they just want equal treatment. Isn’t that what the United States is all about?

*Yeah I know my Biblical characters. What?

A real boy

This past weekend I was at my sister’s with Joel babysitting her three kiddos. My nephews are Anthony 4, Jordan 3 and Devin (but we call him Diggy) 5 months and they are seriously the sweetest kids ever.

Here are a couple snippets from the weekend:

JordanUncle Joel, you don’t live here.

JoelWell for the weekend we do.

JordanYeah but you don’t live here regularly. (side note, seriously he used the word regularly. He’s 3! Cracked me up)

JoelWould you like it if we lived here regularly?

At the same time: AnthonyYes! JordanNo!

AnthonyBut Jordan, then they’d be here all the time.

JordanBut that would just be silly.


They were watching a super hero move and one of the previews was for Harry Potter.

AnthonyI like Harry Potter. Is he real?

MeNo he’s a character on TV just like Superman.

He seemed disappointed but got lost in the movie and didn’t say anything else about it. Later my sister Anna (16) was over and she was talking with Anthony. He was obviously being super cute and so she said,

You’re so cute, Anthony. You should be on TV.

Anthony’s eyes got really big and sad. He took a deep breath and said,

But…. I want to be real.

I was so pleased with how the day went. I thought it was going to be the whole weekend. My brother-in-law was having some health issues and we thought he would need to be in the hospital all weekend. Thankfully the issues turned out not to be as serious as originally thought and they didn’t even have to stay over night.

It was going to be kind of fun and interesting though. Going from a blissfully child-free couple to two toddlers and an infant? For a whole weekend? Including over night? Bam!

I was shocked at how stress free it was though. Yeah I was tired at the end of the day but those kids are so freaking well behaved. The most annoying part of the day was heating up bottles every time Diggy needed to eat. And that was not that big a deal. At all.

The only thing I’m worried about now is I won’t be able to live up to this high standard of adorableness my sister’s kids have set. I’m just the tiniest bit concerned that I’m going to end up raising a herd of monster children.

Maybe I’ll just convince my sister to move in next door. Between her and their older boy cousins they ought to stay in line. Or at least their cousins will teach them how to be ridiculously adorable and I won’t notice the monstrous behavior as much.

Embracing the sad

There was a time I didn’t know how to cry. I noticed when I was 10. I was in a movie (part of a college student’s portfolio) and couldn’t muster up any of the tears that were necessary to play my part.

I faked it, but not well. Oscar worthy performance it was not.

But after that it became my mission to teach myself to cry.

Ironically it was around that time that my world turned upside down. My mom got sick and suddenly wasn’t around much anymore. That’s a story for a different time but my lack of emotion became really obvious. Things were happening that I should have cried over but I was like a rock. Just, nothing.

I couldn’t feel a thing.

I know now I was probably protecting myself. The thing was, I realized that while not feeling the pain was nice I also never really felt any good emotions either. I was blank. Empty.

Empty is so much worse than pain.

I can’t remember my exact journey away from numbness. I don’t think I ever had an epiphany that woke me up. But I did wake up. I taught myself to cry. Crying is a cleansing act. When your capacity for feeling reaches new lows it also reaches new highs. It’s impossible for it to go one way.

It’s been so long since I inadvertently learned that lesson that I’d kind of forgotten it. I’ve read several posts recently about being alone and finding a group, etc. They make me sad. I still have yet to find my “tribe.”

It’s something I want so badly and feeling sad about it all the time sucks.  Tonight I found myself sitting here wishing I could just shut that part of me off and not feel sad anymore. Just be numb.

But then it came rushing back to me. Numb isn’t all that great either. In fact, it probably sucks more.

So I’m embracing the sad. I accept that it’s part of who I am right now. I know, like everything this will pass. I will move on and grow and change and all that. I’ll look back on this lonely time and remember how much it sucked.

I’m guessing it’s like dating. When you want a relationship so fucking desperately it tends to elude. Relationships, at least good ones, seem to come to those who aren’t actively looking for one.

I have a feeling that once I embrace this feeling and become comfortable with my situation that’s when I’ll find my place. I will cry my cleansing tears and I will stop being ashamed of how I feel.

I’m lonely.

I’m sad.

I want a group of friends.

That is okay.

I will have a group someday.

And when I have that and I’m sitting around having coffee with friends and laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or reaching over to text my friend something neat that happened. Or being there to listen when my friend is hurting I will feel that too.

If the low of being lonely hurts this much then the high of finally finding my tribe is going to be pretty amazing.

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