10 things that will make me cry or want to punch you in the throat

Warning: This post is fueled entirely by hormones. Pregnancy has made me a bit sensitive and often times ridiculous. These or things like these have been said to me over the last couple of weeks and right now I’m feeling ranty about it. If you have in fact said one of these things or something similar? We’re good, really. I get over things pretty fast. Hormones are just oh so much fun. Love, puppies, rainbows and all that.

1. WOAH!

See also: What did you EAT?! You’re huge! Ready to pop, huh?

I get it, I’m big. Trust me, I feel a hundred times bigger than I look. My back hurts, I’m suddenly carrying all of my weight out in front of my body and I’m just. freaking. done. I already feel like a swollen buffalo, no need to rub it in.

Alternatively you could say:

You look great/cute/adorable etc!

I love your belly.

You’re glowing.

It’s not that you have to lie about how you think I look. If you think I look like a whale? Fine, me too! Just keep it to yourself.

2. Sleep now!

What human is not aware of the fact that babies don’t sleep well? I mean really. I knew signing up for this that once this kid comes I’m going to be a complete zombie for the better part of two years. And that’s if I stop at one kid.

The funny thing is, I didn’t realize my body would play this cruel sleep deprivation trick on me long before the baby ever shows up. Even if you don’t count the 15 times a night I get up to pee, I’m not sleeping very well. My back is killing me, rolling over practically takes a crane and my mind is going a zillion miles an hour. Trust me when I say I really want to be sleeping as much as possible now. You’re not being helpful when you rub in the fact that my days of good sleep are over.

Alternatively you could say:

Actually you know what? I don’t have an alternative for this one. Just don’t mention sleep. I KNOW!

3. I was  ___ days/weeks late

See also: He’ll come when he’s ready.

Okay first of all, babies know when they’re ready? Really? Explain preemies then please. I’m pretty sure they didn’t choose their birth because they were ready. I would think the same thing goes for full term babies. Not to say I think my kid is dumb but I also don’t think he’s been in the womb getting his medical degree.

As far as you telling me how you were sooo late, I sympathize, I really do. However, right now when I’m at the end, hearing how you were several weeks late just makes me go into a mild panic. I already feel like this kid will never ever come out and you telling me how you were a month late only intensifies that fear.

Alternatively you could say:

I know how much you want him here.

Waiting is frustrating, I know.

4. Had that baby yet?

I am an open person. I’ve blogged, tweeted, facebooked and instagramed the majority of this pregnancy. I don’t plan to suddenly keep this baby a big secret once he gets here. I will announce it! If you’re wondering, just check my feed, or my page or my stream. There will be something there. Promise. If you can’t be bothered to do a quick check of any of those then I refer you to this – Have You Had That Baby Yet?

Alternatively you could say:

Can’t wait to hear the news about your baby!

I bet you can’t wait to meet him.

5. Have you tried (insert wive’s tale) to get labor going?

Yes, yes, I have. And probably some you haven’t heard of. And on the off chance I haven’t tried it it’s because I think it’s too gross or weird. I know you’re trying to be helpful but you’re just really not going to tell me some magical thing I haven’t heard of before.

Also, don’t tell me how you had exactly 3/4 of a pineapple, bounced on a ball 42 times and stood on your head and that made labor start. Because then I’ll probably try it. And it won’t work. And then I’ll hate you a little bit.

Alternatively you could say:

See numbers 3 and 4.

6. All first babies are late

See also: I bet he’s going to come (insert date that is weeks late).

Not ALL first babies are late. I do realize that most first babies are late, but why rub it in? He might not be late. Or he might and I’ll get over it. You saying or even hoping he’ll be late just makes me think you enjoy seeing me miserable.

Alternatively you could say:

I’m sure it will be any day now.

He’s almost here.

7. I hope he’s a week late like you were.

Okay, so apparently my mom said this. And I guess she gets to. I was clearly a jerk being a week late. I hate me.

Love you, Mom.

8. You look tired.

I AM! But really you should never say this to anyone ever. All we hear is, you look like shit.

Alternative:

You look great.

Or don’t lie, but say nothing. Refer to number 1 for other options.

9. Are you really going to eat that?

Yes, and if you don’t back off I may also eat your face.

Alternatively:

Want my food?

10. I ripped from end to end…

and other horror stories.

I’m scared enough already. Trust me. Plus, I’ve probably read every terrifying story possible (and impossible) online. I can’t stop reading birth stories, it’s an addiction. However, I seek that out and can click away at any time. If you’re telling me your story I have to be polite and finish listening while my uterus tries to actually detach itself and run away screaming from my body.

Alternatively:

Wishing you a quick/easy/healthy etc delivery.

Bonus things any pregnant lady would love to hear:

I love you.

Let me tell you about my amazing, easy birth.

You’re beautiful.

Want (insert delicious food item)?

Have a seat I’ll get that.

You guys are going to be great parents.

I’m so excited for you!

Fellow pregnant ladies and mothers, what did I miss? I can’t be the only one to hear these kinds of things and have to grin through gritted teeth while I wanted to either burst into tears or give the speaker a quick punch to the throat, right?

The featured cartoon was a custom drawing done for me by the fabulous Chris Desatoff which I was lucky enough to win from a contest he did on his blog I Work Off the Clock. Definitely go check out him out.