You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

Month: February 2011

Ns and Ms

I was typing up an email for work and when that red squiggly line popped up under imput I was confused. I was even more confused when the only suggestion was input.


Wait, I’ve been saying that word wrong? My entire life? Twenty-five years of mispronunciation and nobody said anything?! Rude.

Granted, N and M* sounds are kind of hard to distinguish. And I obviously do not write it down often. But hmph, I felt pretty dumb for not knowing that all this time. Especially since I get so annoyed when people pronounce certain words incorrectly or make common grammar mistakes.

Five things people say that make me twitch:

1. Exspresso. It’s ESpresso people. Not Expresso. Yes, it’s a tiny little bit of coffee that’s fast to drink but that is where the similarity to it and the word express ends.

2. Irregardless**. That is redundant. And not really a word.

3. Busted. My mom always used to tell me that it isn’t a word. I think she may have been wrong about that. Or at least I’m pretty sure it is a word now but still, to me it sounds ignorant. It’s broken, not busted please.

4.  Good (In response to how are you?). Nope, you’re well. You can have a good day. You can do a good job. But unless you are referring to the content of you’re character, AKA I’m a good person, you are well or fine or excellent or okay or crappy. Just not good.

5. Illinois. It is pronounced Ill-i-noy. There is no z sound at the end. If you say Ill-i-noyz I might slap you.

Despite my snark I’m obviously not above mispronouncing the occasional word or two. And because karma is a bitch I’m sure this post is rife with spelling and grammar mistakes. Feel free to point them out. Clearly I could use some im, er, input.

*my little sister used to pronounce M&M’s like that (en an emz). And now I want some…

** You know what else makes me twitch? The fact that there is no red line under this word. Have we sunk that low English language? Really? ::sigh::

Fuckin Perfect

I know when most people post music videos on their blogs I scan the post and move on. Songs never speak the same way to everyone. I don’t necessarily expect you to do any different.

That being said, this song touches me in a way I can’t really explain. The lyrics are incredible and the actual music video is moving as well. If you’re so inclined, listen to this song. Really listen. Maybe it will speak to you too.

Be warned, this is not the radio edit of the song. But, as my friend Kris says, explicit words are sometimes required.

In and out

All too often lately I become very aware of my own breathing. Awake in the middle of the night, thoughts racing, I realize my heart beat matches the speed of my thoughts and it too is racing. I realize my breath is coming short and fast.

I try to focus on steadying it.

In…. out… in… out….

Sometimes it’s calming. Other times my thoughts take over again until I realize my heart is again beating a mile a minute.


In…. out… in… out…

All too often I get the sensation of falling.

Or drowning.

I want to let loose and screeeeam.

Nothing comes.

My scream is caught between my soul and my vocal cords.

Just nothing.

Nothing but a racing heart and shallow quick breaths.

I’ve been alone a lot lately. Both physically and mentally.

The worst is being alone in a big group of people. Knowing that you’re the only one on your side. Being talked down to and criticized for every move. Always having to second guess everything I do. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Eggshells hurt my feet.

But when I’m physically alone, that’s when I want to let loose. I’ve even tried screaming.

I can’t.

I work so hard to be excellent in my life. I make mistakes like everyone else of course but overall I felt like I do a pretty great job.

Until everything fell apart.

Now I’m left alone. Just a tangled ball of silent screams and unwept tears. Wanting more than anything to release the frustrations that so often leaves my heart sprinting so fast that I have to remember to catch my breath.

In…. out… in… out…

I focus on the feeling of my pants tightening and loosening around my waist with each slow, deliberate breath.

In… out… in… out…

It’s all going to be ok. But I’m left wondering, is it really worth this fight? Is it worth the stress? Will I feel worse about giving up than I do right now?

I’m not a quitter… I’m not.

In… out… in… out…

(p.s. oh hey blog, I missed you.)

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