I stopped posting because I felt lost on what to say.
I’m still lost.
Physically I feel fine other than the fact that I ate my feelings (they tasted like Nutella and nachos in case you were wondering) and am at my heaviest weight ever, in my life. Ugh. I’m trying to dig my way out of that though. I’ve been dancing a couple hours a week and thanks to The Biggest Loser becoming available on Netflix I’ve been inspired to start doing the 30 Day Shred with Joel. Joel of course dropped 10 pounds just by thinking about it. I on the other hand haven’t lost a pound and can’t really fit into any of my jeans still. Wee!
Luckily it’s been warm so I’ve been living in stretchy shorts and jersey dresses and I’m hoping the extra activity will show up on my waist line soon.
Emotionally I’m a lot more iffy. I expected to be experiencing less ups and downs since it’s not so fresh. Unfortunately that’s not the case. Surprisingly (to me anyway) I seem to be experiencing even more up and downs lately.
I posted a status the other day that said that I feel like I’m buried in sad lately and every time I claw my way out and start to see light something new gets piled back on. It’s overwhelming.
I just wish I could talk about it. It’s not that I don’t have several people who are more than willing to listen. I have someone from a miscarriage organization that called me and I cannot make myself call her back. It’s been so long I feel guilty which makes it worse. I have many friends that have offered to listen if I want to talk. I just don’t know what to say. What is there to say?
It sucks. I hate that it happened. I’m sad. I’m scared of it happening again. I’m angry with my body.
That doesn’t take long to say. I’ve said it all before. What else is there to say?
So I don’t call anyone. And even if I did I have a tendency to act fine when people ask so I’m not sure it would help. Not that I’m trying to be fake, I just don’t know what to say other than, “Yep, it still sucks.”
So what do I do? Will I still heal if I can’t really talk about it? I want nothing more than to heal and have this make me stronger person. Is talking an essential part of healing? And if so, how do I talk about it? How?
I just don’t know how to do this.