You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

I don’t know how to do this

I stopped posting because I felt lost on what to say.

I’m still lost.

Physically I feel fine other than the fact that I ate my feelings (they tasted like Nutella and nachos in case you were wondering) and am at my heaviest weight ever, in my life. Ugh. I’m trying to dig my way out of that though. I’ve been dancing a couple hours a week and thanks to The Biggest Loser becoming available on Netflix I’ve been inspired to start doing the 30 Day Shred with Joel. Joel of course dropped 10 pounds just by thinking about it. I on the other hand haven’t lost a pound and can’t really fit into any of my jeans still. Wee!

Luckily it’s been warm so I’ve been living in stretchy shorts and jersey dresses and I’m hoping the extra activity will show up on my waist line soon.

Emotionally I’m a lot more iffy. I expected to be experiencing less ups and downs since it’s not so fresh. Unfortunately that’s not the case. Surprisingly (to me anyway) I seem to be experiencing even more up and downs lately.

I posted a status the other day that said  that I feel like I’m buried in sad lately and every time I claw my way out and start to see light something new gets piled back on. It’s overwhelming.

I just wish I could talk about it. It’s not that I don’t have several people who are more than willing to listen. I have someone from a miscarriage organization that called me and I cannot make myself call her back. It’s been so long I feel guilty which makes it worse. I have many friends that have offered to listen if I want to talk. I just don’t know what to say. What is there to say?

It sucks. I hate that it happened. I’m sad. I’m scared of it happening again. I’m angry with my body.

That doesn’t take long to say. I’ve said it all before. What else is there to say?

So I don’t call anyone. And even if I did I have a tendency to act fine when people ask so I’m not sure it would help. Not that I’m trying to be fake, I just don’t know what to say other than, “Yep, it still sucks.”

So what do I do? Will I still heal if I can’t really talk about it? I want nothing more than to heal and have this make me stronger person. Is talking an essential part of healing? And if so, how do I talk about it? How?

I just don’t know how to do this.


Saying goodbye




  1. You aren’t alone.

    I did the same thing. For months. It was hard, especially on our marriage. BUT we came through on the other side and are stronger now because of it.

    The dance is a great thing. I started running after, and it helped immensely. Don’t feel pressured to grieve by someone else’s standards. We’re all different. Do it your own way.

    • It’s always good to hear that there is another side. I know there is but it’s good to hear.

      And I know I need to grieve in my own way. I just want to make sure I’m not making the process take longer than it needs to, you know?

  2. I have not dealt with this before so I don’t have words of wisdom to offer. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.

    If it helps, I have two friends who, unfortunately, have experience with miscarriage and managed to put their feelings into words. I’m not sure if you’re interested in reading their perspectives but here are two posts:

    Regardless of whether you go to read, I hope that the pain in your heart eases up soon.

    • Thank you for those links. It is always helpful for me to read words from someone else who has experienced similar things.

  3. Adam

    Sometimes the thing that seems the most difficult to do is the very thing that you MUST do. Call the organization and tell them about these feelings. It will be difficult, but once it’s over, there is much relief. Take care of yourself.

  4. Oh, I am so sorry for so many things. What a year of challenge and loss and disappointment. I’ve been going through your posts and a ton of life went down for you, didn’t it?

    I am so sorry.

    It hurts. Loss hurts.

    I’m sending you my love, as a mother of 3 boys that almost weren’t…I’m sending you my love.


  5. I’m sorry you are struggling and i wish for you to heal. I feel like this is something that will heal in time and that patience is needed. I also recommend calling the organization and at least telling them what you have just blogged about. They will be there to help and support you. Best wishes, girlie. Stay positive.

    • Thank you, I’m really trying hard to stay positive and patient. Patience is the hardest thing. I just want to be over it. I know that’s unrealistic but it’s what I want.

  6. Big hugs coming your way. It is truly one day at a time, one foot in front of the other sort of thing. It sucks and it’s hard but you’ll get through it. There will be moments years later when you still think back and remember all of this, and it’s okay.

    • I’m trying to accept that. It’s really hard though. I don’t want this to be a part of me but I know it is. I just am having a hard time accepting it.

  7. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. And as someone who often puts stuff off and then feels guilty it’s been put off too long and stops doing it, I’ve found it really is best to do it and forget the massive delay – it always immediately makes me feel lighter and others are always more forgiving than we expect.

    • I know you’re right. I am a chronic procrastinator. The guilt is always worse than just sucking it up and doing it. Try telling that to my brain though.

  8. I’m just a random person from the internet, and I feel your pain. We’ve had three miscarriages now and it just hurts so much there aren’t really words. It’s hard and the best was through is one day at a time. Don’t be scared to reach out, and even a blog post like this is a little bit of reaching out, so that’s something. I like the Latin proverb: “Dum spiro, spero.” It means, “While I breathe, I hope.” I don’t always hope, but I try to hope a tiny bit with each mindful breath and it helps. Maybe I hope that my dinner experiment turns out well, or that we get pregnant and have a happy baby this time, or that the shoes I really want go on sale in just my size and I finally buy them. Little bits of hope help heal, for me at least.

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