Faking it

Something my mom taught me early on was, confidence, even when faked, is the most attractive quality a person can have. It’s hard when you feel socially awkward and clumsy. I laugh too loud at the wrong times. I trip and drop things. I spit or choke when I drink. I have complete facepalm moments way more often than I care to admit.

I actually have always considered myself shy. This might surprise people who know me because I feel like I fake it pretty well. The most unattractive thing someone can do is insult themselves. This is why it’s sometimes hard for me to be honest on my blog. If I write on here how sometimes I feel like a beached whale or that no amount of make up will make my face publicly presentable then, not only do I feel unattractive but now I am less attractive.

I also would never want anyone to be all “Oh no, you’re so thin/pretty/whatever” after reading something like that because GAH! Nothing is worse than a forced compliment. Nothing. I’d rather be insulted. Really.

So I don’t write those types of things no matter how strongly I feel them.

But sometimes I wonder if writing them would help me find others that were feeling the same way. Maybe me writing how I really feel would actually help someone know they’re not alone.

I know when someone leaves a comment on a post that I wrote from my heart saying they have felt the same way it means the world to me. It helps me immensely to know there is someone else out there who feels the same way. To know I’m not crazy.

Or at least not completely crazy.

I’m also afraid that no one would say anything. That I would pour my heart out only to be greeted with crickets.

I think I’m afraid of that more than anything. More than being seen as less stable or less attractive. I’m afraid of finding out I really am alone.

Or crazy….

So I’m faced with a dilemma. Either carry on faking it all by myself fearing I might be alone. Or letting down some of my walls and possibly finding out I really am.

Both prospects kind of terrify me. I just can’t decide which one scares me more.