Tag: perfectionism

Versions of Me

By Abigail

On November 27, 2010

In thoughts

There is not just one Me.

There’s the one in my head.

The one I wish I were.

The one I am at home.

The one I am with my family.

The one I am when meeting new people.

The one I am with my friends.

The one I am with my dog.

The one I am at work.

The one I am in public.

All of them are similar but they are not the same. Sometimes it’s exhausting. I wish I could figure out the balance because I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions. A person can only be pulled so far before they break. It’s just science.

It’s mostly the pressure I put on myself that makes me feel this way. I must be confident. I must feel beautiful. I must be happy and smiley. I must be positive. I must. I must.

I’m tired.

Every once in awhile I’m tempted to withdraw. I consider myself a people person but sometimes I have an incredible urge to run away and hide from humanity forever. Or to start over somewhere that nobody knows me. I want to take everything I’ve learned and become this super human I envision.

The problem is that Me always follows. Every stupid version.

Some versions are better than others. Every version has flaws.

Except that one I wish I were. She’s perfect.

I’m not her.

Drowning in stress

By Abigail

On November 21, 2010

In thoughts

I’m so stressed out I can physically feel it. Like a tight grip across my chest. I’m sure that’s why I’m fighting one of the worst sore throats I’ve ever had in my life.

I hate feeling stupid.

And inadequate.

I’m just overwhelmed.

The worst part is, the one person who can help me hates me.

So that’s basically no help at all.

I’ve noticed my heart racing at random times lately. Even when I’m just lying down.

That can’t be good.

It’s probably because my mind never stops going a mile a minute.

I never do anything halfway. Whatever I do I throw myself into 100%.

I can’t stand screwing up or making mistakes.

I want to be perfect.

Except I’m not.

But the idea of disappointing people in my life….

Hate it.

::sigh::

I can do this.

I. Can. Do. This.

I have to. I refuse to fail. All I need is a little more information. I just need to actually do certain things once and then it will be fine.

It will be nice when I don’t have someone undercutting me and trying to make me look bad at every turn. That’s really tough.

The irony is, by trying to screw me over it’s only made me look better and made them look like an ass. So not the most effective sabotage.

However, to my morale? It’s been relatively effective. My mind is constantly racing trying to catch mistakes before they happen. I feel like at any moment I’m going to fail and fall out of good graces.

It makes me feel like throwing up.

Or crying.

Or screaming.

I want to do well but it’s starting to wear on me. I’m not ready to give up, not by a long shot. I just feel like I’ve been waiting for things to get better for months and I’m still waiting.

Overall I’m very positive. Things are vastly better than they used to be. There’s still so far to go and if I let myself focus on that too much I’m afraid I’ll drown in those thoughts.

My goal right now is to keep smiling. No matter what. Amazingly a smile, even when it starts out faked, can turn a day from bad to good. It improves my mood almost without me realizing it.

You just can’t smile and have a bad day.

Or at least that’s the idea.