You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

Tag: living in the moment

The sweetness of now

Dear Son,

I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings when I tell you I was dreading the newborn phase. I heard so many just-you-waits and horror stories of colic and sleepless nights. I was kind of terrified.

I never did well without sleep. Frankly I became quite the bitch without a full 8+ hours. Plus the dirty diapers and the cracked and bleeding nipples and the hormones… I always thought of newborns as cute, I just liked being able to hand them back off to their parents after a few minutes. Being responsible for one 24/7? Yikes.

I always joked that I just wanted to adopt a kindergartener, because that’s when kids really become interesting.

Then there was you.

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Your birth was beautiful. It was everything I hoped and dreamed it would be. I didn’t love pregnancy but I would give birth a hundred times if every one was like yours. When they put you on my stomach I couldn’t believe you were real. You were perfect.

You took to nursing like it was the most natural thing in the whole world. I couldn’t believe how much I loved breastfeeding. It didn’t hurt like I expected. It was complete bliss right from the beginning. You wanted to nurse almost round the clock.

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You also want to be held round the clock. Every once in awhile you’ll be happy to be set down for 20 or 30 minutes and even that is a fairly new development. If I want to be sure you’ll stay asleep and content I have to hold you.

At first this was overwhelming and frustrating to me. People say to sleep when the baby sleeps. Well it’s difficult to do that when the baby doesn’t want to be put down. Ever. Also, I watch the mess pile up around me. I call the futon my nest. I have pillows and snacks and a phone charger surrounding me on it. Most days I don’t leave my nest except to go to the bathroom, change your diaper and grab more food and water.

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I found myself wishing you’d let me put you down.

And then I realized, this isn’t forever. Already there was that one time you slept in the mamaRoo for an hour. You won’t always need to be pressed up against me to stay asleep.

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Right now you need me. Completely. That is wonderful and terrible at the same time. I am your only source of food and often your only source of comfort. I have had moments of wishing that away.

But no more. You need me all you want, little man. There is nothing in the world that is more important than me being there for you right now.

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I look at your sweet face and it’s already changed so much in the six weeks you’ve been alive. You already are awake and alert more and more every day. Before I know it you’ll be too busy exploring your world to be bothered with cuddles. Before I know it your head will have more than just wispy fuzz. Before I know it you’ll lose that sweet milky breath. Before I know it you’ll chunk out and become more than just an armful of sweet squish.

Before I know it you’ll be that kindergartener I was wishing for.

Only the thing is, when I was dreading having a newborn, when I was bracing myself to just get through these days until I got to the “better” years, when I was thinking how I “can’t wait” for ____ milestone I didn’t realize I’d end up with a sweet newborn like you.

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Wesley, you are better than I ever dreamed you’d be. I was foolish to want to skip any of this. You take your time growing up. I know there will be times when things are hard, there already have been. But these moments of neediness? These all day cuddles? These I won’t wish away. They can find me buried under a pile of granola bar wrappers for all I care.

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Because everything else besides you can wait. Thank you for making me a mommy.

Why freaking not

Today was the epitome of taking advantage of every moment and not letting anything pass by.

We got up early and started the day with fresh made waffles courtesy of our motel. Nom.

Our first stop was the Bug Farm. We almost missed it but we turned around and I’m really glad we did.

It’s the VW Bug version of Cadillac Ranch. I love me some VW Beetles. Obviously it was extremely windy again. However this time no whales, humans or half buried cars were flashed.

Then it was on to Cadillac Ranch for more buried car fun.

We should have thought to bring some spray paint. Not something we keep in the trunk of the car. I know, you’re shocked.

Love him so.

Phoebe was decidedly not impressed. Her face here cracks. me. up.

We passed the midpoint!

As we entered New Mexico Route 66 turned into a dirt road. We debated taking the interstate for all of two minutes but where’s the adventure in that?

Best part of dirt roads? Being able to stop whenever you want to pose for a mini photo shoot.

By far the highlight of the day though was when we reached Santa Rosa. I was looking through our little guide and noticed something called Blue Hole that was a little off Route 66. It was described as a large well that’s 81 feet deep with crystal blue waters. It sounded neat so we decided to detour a little.

When we got there we realized that not only does it look neat but it’s actually a popular free place on a hot summer day. Anyone can just jump in. Now the water is seriously 64 degrees so it’s not exactly a swimming hole but there was a steady stream of jumpers.

(That old dude about to jump? Not Joel. Or me. In case you were wondering)

Joel and I wandered around with Phoebe and took a few pictures. I must have had a look on my face because Joel turned to me and said, “You want to jump in, don’t you?”

I so did.

However, I didn’t feel like being the only soaking wet one so I made Joel agree to jump in too.  Joel didn’t really want to because he was nervous about his swimming skills. Since there were two lifeguards on duty though I told him that was no excuse. Plus, I knew he’d really love it once he did it.

I think deep down he knew it too because it didn’t take much convincing before we were back at our car pulling on our bathing suits.

Unfortunately we couldn’t go at the same time because we didn’t have anywhere safe to leave Phoebe. I made him jump first because I was a little afraid he’d back out if I had already jumped. Once it was my turn I was surprised that my legs shook a little as I got out onto the ledge. From up there it looks way scarier than it does on the ground. The scariness was nothing though compared to the icy shock of the water. I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt water that cold in my life. It took my breath away.

Totally worth it though.

And just like that we were on our way again. I can’t believe I even considered not jumping for a minute because it was a little inconvenient to change into my swim suit in the car. Or that I didn’t want to get my hair wet. Good grief.

We jumped off a high rock into ice-cold water. Why? Because why not?

And that’s exactly what this trip is about. Why freaking not.

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