Sitting in the dark of the examine room, listening through the thin walls to the happy sounds of chatter and some other baby’s heartbeat from the next room I again saw nothing more than a void where there should have been a baby on the ultrasound screen. And I cried. I had talked myself into knowing there wouldn’t be anything there. But as I looked at the screen and saw and heard nothing I realized I still had hoped it was all just a mistake. No mistake though, there’s no baby.
Now I have the choice of waiting for things to pass naturally or scheduling a D&C. There are slight risks of damage from a D&C but it is the way I’m leaning as waiting for a painful bloody end is not at all appealing. There are risks to waiting (infection and even cancer) too so I think I’d rather just get it over with.
I feel so cold saying get it over with but there’s no baby there, there never was so I’m really over feeling pregnant. Thankfully the last few days the nausea has slowly been easing up. I just want this whole awful thing behind me though.
I feel so robbed by all this. I know it happens to a lot of people but it’s still so fucking unfair. I was so happy and now I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I feel like something is pressing on my shoulders and chest and I’m thisclose to crying at any moment. My innocence is gone and that can’t be gotten back. If When I get pregnant again how am I going to be excited? How can I feel anything but terrified going into another ultrasound? What if it happens again? What if there’s something wrong with me? Too many questions and zero answers.
Don’t tell me everything will be fine because you don’t know that. There’s no way anyone can know that. Don’t tell me there will be something better. Don’t tell me it’s all part of some stupid plan. It’s all bullshit. This whole situation is complete bullshit and that’s all there is to it.
It’s weird how this pregnancy never felt real and now that I know it wasn’t real it doesn’t feel real that it’s gone. Did that sentence even make sense? Nothing really makes sense to me anymore.
Can I just wake up when all this is over please?