Tag: anger

Raw

On September 14, 2010

A mutual friend hurt a friend of mine the other day. It was one of those out of the blue, WTF?! kind of moments. Not that I thought I was, but it reminded me how far I am from healed from my past friendship wounds. I cried and cried for her and the unfairness that had happened. It wasn’t my fight, my getting involved would have only made things worse so there was nothing I could do other than listen and cry.

People are so stupid and mean and hurtful. It’s even worse when it’s unexpected. Then I feel stupid for not expecting it. For not seeing the oncoming hurt and avoiding it. For allowing myself to be totally blindsided by the situation. It wasn’t even directed at me. But I hurt for my friend.

I’m fiercely loyal. I become vicious towards people who hurt those that I love. Most personal hurt I can move past fairly easily. Hurt someone I love and I will cut you.* Not being able to do anything makes me crazy. Because nothing I could do would make any difference.

So I just sit here, reeling in anger and feeling cut to the core. I want to shake them and scream at them for their idiotic behavior. I want to demand an explanation and if it’s not good enough (which it almost certainly wouldn’t be) demand an apology. At the very least I want to force them to look at what they’ve done, to make them feel the pain that they’ve caused. They should not just be allowed to walk away.

Then suddenly I realize in my venomous haze that the anger isn’t totally directed towards that person anymore. I’m angry at the one who hurt me. Again. It’s no longer about protecting a friend, it’s about protecting myself. Even though my situation is long over. And this realization makes me even more angry. I shouldn’t hurt this much. My friend shouldn’t hurt this much. Neither of us did anything deserving of this.

But it is what it is. Those people get to walk away and move on with their lives while we stand with wounds that refuse to heal no matter what. And part of the reason they refuse to heal? Because of stupid people that keep ripping them open at the least expected moments.

*Obviously not actually. But I’ll want to.

Dark thoughts

By Abigail

On July 30, 2010

In thoughts

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. There are so few words that are as ugly. The words that are as ugly? Usually are related to hate in some way.

Sometimes, if I let myself think too hard I start having hateful feelings. They usually start as sadness. Then anger at the fact that I’m sad. Then the real ugliness tries to creep in.

Because sometimes I’m still so angry.

Angry at what I feel was taken from me.

Angry at what I believe to be unfair treatment towards me.

Angry at actions that I absolutely don’t understand and may never have an explanation for. And even if they were explained I doubt the answer would satisfy me.

It just feels so fucking unfair.

Then I feel my whole body tense. My teeth clench and I only breathe in short, shallow breaths. My shoulders tense up and I can feel my forehead furrow. My nostrils flare. Often I start to shiver.

If I let myself at that point my thoughts start to get so dark and ugly. I have caught myself wishing physical harm and even death on certain individuals. I am not even a little proud of this.

How dare they make me feel this way? How fucking dare they.

Then I remember, I control how I feel. I remind myself to take deep breaths. I unclench my teeth and purposely relax my forehead. I am so not letting them give me wrinkles. I roll my neck from side to side with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing.

I will not hate them. No. It only hurts me. I refuse to let them make me unhappy.

You know what? My life is good. Actually, my life is unbelievably fantastic. No sarcasm. Hating only gives away my control of my feelings and, after all that’s been taken from me, I refuse to allow that to be taken too.

I am still hurt, angry, confused and rejected. However, hate? I will not do that. I will not think it. I do not hate them.

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. It’s one word that is never allowed in my life.