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41 weeks

41weeksbelly

Here I am at 48 weeks pregnant.

Oh wait no, 41. Just 41 weeks.

I swear every single day this week has felt a week long. At least. It is so weird how time works like that. I could hardly believe how fast this pregnancy flew by and then it’s like time slammed on its brakes in the last week.

I have my ups and downs about being overdue. I’m mostly just thankful he’s healthy. In some ways Joel has it worse than me. He goes to work every day where he gets the “haven’t you had that baby yet?” several times every day. Of course Joel doesn’t mind but I’m sure it would drive me crazy. I on the other hand stay home and so I only get the random text checking in which just feels sweet.

Funnily enough the only one to give me a little bit of a hard time in person is the nurse at my OB’s office. She was all, “I went on vacation and everything! Why haven’t you had him yet?” Joel says I actually rolled my eyes. Oops. I mean really though, if you work in an office with a bunch of pregnant ladies shouldn’t you know better?

NST3

Wesley is still as healthy as ever. He passed another NST today although he was quite a bit lazier than usual. In fact, I was starting to get a little worried because normally the bands around my belly make Wesley annoyed and he kicks up a storm. I asked Joel to say something to him just to be sure. Joel just said Wesley’s name really quick and this immediately happened.

NSTJoeltalkkick

The little black arrows indicate kicks and his heart rate went up a bit (which is exactly what it’s supposed to do when he moves). Proof this kid loves his daddy’s voice more than any other sound in the world. It is the sweetest, coolest thing ever to me.

I talked to my midwife about my concerns about his hands being up by his face and she eased my mind a lot. Apparently it’s only a concern when his hand is over his head. She said he’s so engaged in my pelvis right now that she’s not worried about that happening at all. I didn’t have her check me for further dilation since I haven’t had any “real” contractions since she checked me last. She also mentioned my original dating ultrasound put my due date at March 23rd. They don’t officially change things unless they’re a week or more off but likely he’s a couple days less late than we’re counting right now.

So we wait. Still no induction date because there’s currently no medical reason to set one. At least the weather has finally started to improve. And if he decides to stick around I guess I’ll actually get to have Easter dinner with Joel’s family. That would be fun. Plus, April’s birthstone is diamonds. Aquamarine is pretty but who can really complain about diamonds, right?

“Bigger than average”

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

“Bigger than average”

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

Overdue

Mallwalking

And I’m surprisingly okay with it.

Now yesterday? I was decidedly not okay with it. I also reserve the right to not be okay with this whole overdue thing at any point in the future.

However I woke up this morning feeling really zen about the whole thing. Here is why:

I’m waited on hand and foot– Joel treats me like a queen. More than usual even. This is mostly due to the fact that moving is freaking difficult anymore. If he’s not there to help me off the couch chances are, unless it’s an emergency, I just won’t get up. It’s that much of an effort. He knows that and really doesn’t mind grabbing me a glass of water or tea or helping me yank off my shoes. It’s kind of awesome really. Once this kid is out I’ll have a couple more weeks of guilt free queen-dom and then I’ll have to go back to actually doing things for myself. Why rush it?

I eat what I want – Seriously. At this point I’ve only gained about 25 pounds which is the low end of what I’m supposed to gain. So I eat whatever sounds delicious. And sure, I struggle with nausea still which is really frustrating but, when that eases up, I stuff my face with popcorn and nutella and brownies and ice cream and pizza and…. well you get the point. Once this kid is out I’m going to want to start thinking about losing the baby weight. Who really wants to rush to eat less dessert? Not me.

Everyone smiles at me – It’s something I’ve noticed lately. Everywhere I go people look at me and grin. I’m assuming it’s because I’m just such an adorable pregnant lady and not because I spilled something down the front of me. Although there are plenty of times when the spilling thing is true too. Plus, the look on people’s faces when they ask me when I’m due and I say “last Thursday” cracks me up.

My house is SO clean – I’m generally a messy person. However, the idea of bringing a brand new baby into a messy house makes me insane so my house has never been and stayed so clean for so long. I have a feeling I won’t be as concerned about messiness when I’m battling the newborn haze so I’m enjoying this while it lasts.

It’s not like I’m going to sleep better – I get frustrated with the pregnancy insomnia and the waking up every couple of hours to pee. But I’m well aware of the fact that newborns take sleep deprivation to a whole new level so there’s no point in rushing that. I enjoy the sleep that I can get while I’m getting it.

I love my bump – Sure it makes standing up, rolling over in bed or any movement all at really tricky but seriously I love it. I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I will miss this big old bump (and the kicks I feel in it) more than anything else about pregnancy.

Everything is healthy – and really I’m only 4 days late. That’s not that late, although it does kind of feel like an eternity.  Wesley has passed two non stress tests with flying colors. The contractions that I’m having I either can’t feel at all or aren’t really that uncomfortable. My body has dilated and effaced some already so that bodes well for when I go into active labor. We get to see him on an ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure his fluids and movements and all that are good.

My midwife says boys are 8 days late on average. I asked if there was a limit for how long I could go and she said no. She doesn’t like to set an arbitrary induction date because, as long as everything is healthy, an induction date just puts pressure on the whole situation. I love that so much. She did say we could induce any time I wanted “today even” and I’m not going to lie I considered it for a fraction of a second. But really, my body is doing it’s thing, Wesley seems healthy and comfortable and I hear pitocin is a real bitch. No reason to stress him or my uterus unless it looks like he or I aren’t doing well anymore.

NST2

So yeah, as of this moment I’m fine with being pregnant forever. We’re still doing all the things (tea, pineapple, primrose oil, walking, sex (I’m thinking Joel is secretly okay with me going awhile yet because of this one) bouncing on an exercise ball, spicy foods…. and some I’m forgetting. Really, all the things) to get things going. If you’d like to give me advice on something else to try let me refer you to number 5 on this post… and then please don’t. I appreciate the thought but it makes me want to rage quit the internet.

I’m okay with being late. Really.

39 Weeks

39weeksbelly

This is my last weekly update before my due date.

Wait, what now?

Could be my last weekly update period if this kid decides to follow in his mom and dad’s footsteps and be born on a 17th. I’ve been discussing it with Wesley and telling him Sunday is his birthday so he better not miss it. St. Patrick’s Day would be a pretty freaking cool birthday. Plus, my favorite midwife is on call this weekend. Not that I mind who catches him that much, we’ve just seen her the most so it would be cool to have her at the birth.

It’s fine if he picks another birthday. I mean obviously.

I would prefer it be sooner rather than later. But also it would be nice if he waits until at least after this weekend because Joel has his dad-chelor party tomorrow. It’s also my nephew’s birthday Saturday and it would be really cool if my little guy could have his own day. Not to mention my nephew would probably be pretty bummed if everyone got pulled away from his party because I was in labor.

So basically I have a lot of opinions about when he comes. Which means he will likely come exactly when I don’t want him to.

Such is life.

We had another uneventful appointment yesterday where Joel captured this,

doppler

which has to be one of my favorite shots of all time. I will never get sick of hearing Wesley’s beautiful healthy heartbeat.

She didn’t check me for dilation again and I’m totally fine with that. If I’m not dilated at all I’ll just be bummed and if I am it could give me a false sense of when things might start happening. There is a tiny bit of me that is curious but not enough to request a check. She didn’t mention if I would get checked at my next appointment (which is on my due date, eek!).

Other than the good appointment, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, took a shower and promptly puked my guts out. It was a nice little flashback into the first trimester. I remained horrendously nauseated all day, to the point where I couldn’t pull it together enough to go to dance. That was really upsetting, especially since my studio is now on break for the next two weeks. So I guess my pregnant dancing days are over. Sigh.

So now it’s just a waiting game. Joel is incredibly jumpy, which I find completely adorable. I find myself feeling like I need to cling to every second. Every lazy moment, every cuddle with Joel, every moment of sleep. We went to the movies. They asked if we wanted to sign up for a rewards card and we just kind of laughed because who knows when we might be back.

Every wiggle and kick feels extra precious because I know I don’t get to feel them much longer. Of course I can’t wait to nibble on the delicious little toes and knees that have been making my belly dance but I’ll miss feeling him go crazy after I have a Coke or milkshake. I will not miss the nausea or the food aversions or feeling like my pelvis is trying to split in half every time I move, but the kicks? Those I will miss, even the hard ones to the ribs.

39 Weeks

39weeksbelly

This is my last weekly update before my due date.

Wait, what now?

Could be my last weekly update period if this kid decides to follow in his mom and dad’s footsteps and be born on a 17th. I’ve been discussing it with Wesley and telling him Sunday is his birthday so he better not miss it. St. Patrick’s Day would be a pretty freaking cool birthday. Plus, my favorite midwife is on call this weekend. Not that I mind who catches him that much, we’ve just seen her the most so it would be cool to have her at the birth.

It’s fine if he picks another birthday. I mean obviously.

I would prefer it be sooner rather than later. But also it would be nice if he waits until at least after this weekend because Joel has his dad-chelor party tomorrow. It’s also my nephew’s birthday Saturday and it would be really cool if my little guy could have his own day. Not to mention my nephew would probably be pretty bummed if everyone got pulled away from his party because I was in labor.

So basically I have a lot of opinions about when he comes. Which means he will likely come exactly when I don’t want him to.

Such is life.

We had another uneventful appointment yesterday where Joel captured this,

doppler

which has to be one of my favorite shots of all time. I will never get sick of hearing Wesley’s beautiful healthy heartbeat.

She didn’t check me for dilation again and I’m totally fine with that. If I’m not dilated at all I’ll just be bummed and if I am it could give me a false sense of when things might start happening. There is a tiny bit of me that is curious but not enough to request a check. She didn’t mention if I would get checked at my next appointment (which is on my due date, eek!).

Other than the good appointment, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, took a shower and promptly puked my guts out. It was a nice little flashback into the first trimester. I remained horrendously nauseated all day, to the point where I couldn’t pull it together enough to go to dance. That was really upsetting, especially since my studio is now on break for the next two weeks. So I guess my pregnant dancing days are over. Sigh.

So now it’s just a waiting game. Joel is incredibly jumpy, which I find completely adorable. I find myself feeling like I need to cling to every second. Every lazy moment, every cuddle with Joel, every moment of sleep. We went to the movies. They asked if we wanted to sign up for a rewards card and we just kind of laughed because who knows when we might be back.

Every wiggle and kick feels extra precious because I know I don’t get to feel them much longer. Of course I can’t wait to nibble on the delicious little toes and knees that have been making my belly dance but I’ll miss feeling him go crazy after I have a Coke or milkshake. I will not miss the nausea or the food aversions or feeling like my pelvis is trying to split in half every time I move, but the kicks? Those I will miss, even the hard ones to the ribs.

38 Weeks

38weeksbelly

So, I feel like a house, officially.

Even the t-shirts I borrow from Joel are tight across my belly. I forget now whose blog I read it on but they mentioned feeling claustrophobic in their clothes. I get it now. Totally.

I also got a, “WOAH! I’ve seen your belly pictures online… but woah!” from someone I hadn’t seen in person in awhile. So apparently this bump photographs well. Or at least smaller in pictures than I look in person. Either that or I’m never wearing that shirt again. I’ll probably be burning that shirt just to be safe.

Despite feeling huge, I’m actually measuring behind by two weeks now. Midwife said it was probably his position though and isn’t worried about it. He’s lying head down (yay!) with his back across my right side and his feet directly in my left ribs. She also said he doesn’t really have far to move down so my hope for him dropping and getting out of my lungs and ribs were kind of crushed with that one. She told me she expects he’ll be small but long. So maybe the tall genes Joel and I missed will kick in with him?

Speaking of crushed, er mah gah my ribs you guys! I’m starting to be a bit worried he might actually break one. Or get his foot stuck in between the two bottom ones and not be able to get out. Can that happen? I’m really asking. Last night driving home in the car I had to seriously do relaxation most of the way home, not for contractions, but because it felt like he was trying to crowbar my bottom two ribs apart with his feet. He may be small but he is mighty.

As uncomfortable as he acts with all his pushing and wiggling he shows no signs of actually wanting to get more room by becoming an outside baby. I’ve had a few random contractions from being active but other than that, nothing, no signs that my body is even getting ready for labor. I’m not necessarily in a hurry at this point I guess. The exception being when he’s really hurting me with his movements then I’m all GET OUT! It will work out much better for everyone if he stays put another week or so at least though.

Other than the internal beatings this week has been pretty uneventful pregnancy-wise. My dad was taken to the hospital yesterday so that was stressful. They were afraid he was having another stroke but now they’re looking at other possible causes for his symptoms. I hate seeing my dad sick and not mentally all there. He is such a funny, brilliant man that it hurts me to see him be less than himself. I’m hoping these tests that they’re running give us some answers. My dad needs to be all there to meet my little guy. Keep him in your thoughts if you would.

On a side note, you get some fun looks from the people in the ER when you walk in as a giant pregnant lady. I wanted to immediately announce that I was just visiting. Instead I just walked to the elevator and found my dad’s room while sort of giggling to myself about what they were likely thinking.

So that’s it. It’s basically a waiting game from here. I put up a poll on SkyMommy’s Facebook page where you can guess what day he’ll be born. It only allows me to put in 10 options but I left the ability open for you to add your own if you want. If you guess the right date you get bragging rights and a mention on my blog. So, go cast your vote!

Embracing the sad

There was a time I didn’t know how to cry. I noticed when I was 10. I was in a movie (part of a college student’s portfolio) and couldn’t muster up any of the tears that were necessary to play my part.

I faked it, but not well. Oscar worthy performance it was not.

But after that it became my mission to teach myself to cry.

Ironically it was around that time that my world turned upside down. My mom got sick and suddenly wasn’t around much anymore. That’s a story for a different time but my lack of emotion became really obvious. Things were happening that I should have cried over but I was like a rock. Just, nothing.

I couldn’t feel a thing.

I know now I was probably protecting myself. The thing was, I realized that while not feeling the pain was nice I also never really felt any good emotions either. I was blank. Empty.

Empty is so much worse than pain.

I can’t remember my exact journey away from numbness. I don’t think I ever had an epiphany that woke me up. But I did wake up. I taught myself to cry. Crying is a cleansing act. When your capacity for feeling reaches new lows it also reaches new highs. It’s impossible for it to go one way.

It’s been so long since I inadvertently learned that lesson that I’d kind of forgotten it. I’ve read several posts recently about being alone and finding a group, etc. They make me sad. I still have yet to find my “tribe.”

It’s something I want so badly and feeling sad about it all the time sucks.  Tonight I found myself sitting here wishing I could just shut that part of me off and not feel sad anymore. Just be numb.

But then it came rushing back to me. Numb isn’t all that great either. In fact, it probably sucks more.

So I’m embracing the sad. I accept that it’s part of who I am right now. I know, like everything this will pass. I will move on and grow and change and all that. I’ll look back on this lonely time and remember how much it sucked.

I’m guessing it’s like dating. When you want a relationship so fucking desperately it tends to elude. Relationships, at least good ones, seem to come to those who aren’t actively looking for one.

I have a feeling that once I embrace this feeling and become comfortable with my situation that’s when I’ll find my place. I will cry my cleansing tears and I will stop being ashamed of how I feel.

I’m lonely.

I’m sad.

I want a group of friends.

That is okay.

I will have a group someday.

And when I have that and I’m sitting around having coffee with friends and laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or reaching over to text my friend something neat that happened. Or being there to listen when my friend is hurting I will feel that too.

If the low of being lonely hurts this much then the high of finally finding my tribe is going to be pretty amazing.

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