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Weekly Wesley: Twenty

20weeks

Twenty weeks. Long enough to be halfway through a pregnancy.

Or if it’s Wesley a week and two days short of halfway. Ahem.

In a pregnancy we’d be doing the anatomy scan this week and finding out if the baby has all the proper parts.

We cheated a bit and found out Wesley’s gender at 16 weeks but we of course did the normal anatomy scan to be safe. Here is Wesley in profile at 20 weeks in utero…

20weeksProfileSplit

and out.

Wesley is still going through a leap or something. When he’s happy he’s the happiest baby you ever saw. But we play the happy baby/mad baby game on a way too frequent basis lately. It’s kind of exhausting.

One thing he really likes thankfully is being wrapped.

packing

We’re packing, packing, packing (ugh, do I hate moving) so it’s very convenient that he enjoys being worn or I’d never get anything done. Two weeks from today we will be settling into our new place. I’m so ready for it to be over.

Other milestones:

  • Wesley found his hand. It was quite shocking. Clearly.

i-have-a-hand

  • He also decided he really likes Phoebe. Phoebe remains unfazed but I’m guessing that is mostly because because Wesley hasn’t figured out how to purposefully grab her yet.

puppy

  • Wesley’s legs are officially long enough to drape over mine while I’m lying down and nursing him. My long little man.

long-legs

  • He makes the most hilarious faces. Currently cracking me up is how he chews on his own gums like a little old man.

gum-chewer

  • The sweet face I wake up to every morning.

sweet-sleeper

And lastly I’m going to end with a possibly dumb question. When Wesley does tummy time now he almost never stays on his stomach for more than a few seconds before he rolls onto his back. I’ve been leaving him like that because it seems like that better teaches him cause and effect. Plus, he’s still working on rolling himself from back to stomach. It struck me though that maybe I should flip him back to his tummy every once in awhile? I mean, it’s not really tummy time anymore, technically. Or should I leave him? Because boy is he proud of his rolling abilities.

not-tummy-time

I’m over thinking this, aren’t I?

Weekly Wesley: Twenty

20weeks

Twenty weeks. Long enough to be halfway through a pregnancy.

Or if it’s Wesley a week and two days short of halfway. Ahem.

In a pregnancy we’d be doing the anatomy scan this week and finding out if the baby has all the proper parts.

We cheated a bit and found out Wesley’s gender at 16 weeks but we of course did the normal anatomy scan to be safe. Here is Wesley in profile at 20 weeks in utero…

20weeksProfileSplit

and out.

Wesley is still going through a leap or something. When he’s happy he’s the happiest baby you ever saw. But we play the happy baby/mad baby game on a way too frequent basis lately. It’s kind of exhausting.

One thing he really likes thankfully is being wrapped.

packing

We’re packing, packing, packing (ugh, do I hate moving) so it’s very convenient that he enjoys being worn or I’d never get anything done. Two weeks from today we will be settling into our new place. I’m so ready for it to be over.

Other milestones:

  • Wesley found his hand. It was quite shocking. Clearly.

i-have-a-hand

  • He also decided he really likes Phoebe. Phoebe remains unfazed but I’m guessing that is mostly because because Wesley hasn’t figured out how to purposefully grab her yet.

puppy

  • Wesley’s legs are officially long enough to drape over mine while I’m lying down and nursing him. My long little man.

long-legs

  • He makes the most hilarious faces. Currently cracking me up is how he chews on his own gums like a little old man.

gum-chewer

  • The sweet face I wake up to every morning.

sweet-sleeper

And lastly I’m going to end with a possibly dumb question. When Wesley does tummy time now he almost never stays on his stomach for more than a few seconds before he rolls onto his back. I’ve been leaving him like that because it seems like that better teaches him cause and effect. Plus, he’s still working on rolling himself from back to stomach. It struck me though that maybe I should flip him back to his tummy every once in awhile? I mean, it’s not really tummy time anymore, technically. Or should I leave him? Because boy is he proud of his rolling abilities.

not-tummy-time

I’m over thinking this, aren’t I?

Welcome to the World, Wesley

SkyMommy-Wesley-Yawn

This picture perfectly describes how we all feel in this house right now. Not at all surprising of course.

That being said, this will be the short version of things. I’m working on the full birth story but it’s really hard to pull myself away from staring at his perfect little face long enough. That, or I’m trying to catch a moment or two of sleep or maybe shower. Maybe. Anyway, here are the important details.

Wesley made his entrance into the world on Easter Sunday, 03-31-13. He weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce (which is only one once off from the weight estimate on the BPP ultrasound. How often does that happen?!) and he was 21 inches long.

His birth was positively beautiful. It really was everything I hoped it would be. I owe so much of that to my amazing support team. Everyone from the nurse, to my midwife, to my mom and sisters played their part and helped me through everything. Mostly though Joel was my rock. He was by my side literally every minute of my labor and I could not have done it without him. With all their help and thanks to my body somehow knowing exactly what to do and when to do it I got an empowering, natural birth. The moment I met my son will forever be one of the best moments of my life.

We are home now and adjusting nicely. Wesley is a champion at nursing. I really expected it to be difficult and painful at the beginning but he knew just what to do and I have to say breastfeeding is one of my favorite things I’ve ever done in my life. He hasn’t quite gotten the hang of sleep but duh, I wouldn’t have expected him to. Joel is great at taking shifts so we both catch some sleep in spurts.

All in all I’m in state of complete newborn bliss. You’ll have to forgive me from slacking online for a bit. I’m just trying to soak up every second with my gorgeous new son.

Welcome to the World, Wesley

SkyMommy-Wesley-Yawn

This picture perfectly describes how we all feel in this house right now. Not at all surprising of course.

That being said, this will be the short version of things. I’m working on the full birth story but it’s really hard to pull myself away from staring at his perfect little face long enough. That, or I’m trying to catch a moment or two of sleep or maybe shower. Maybe. Anyway, here are the important details.

Wesley made his entrance into the world on Easter Sunday, 03-31-13. He weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce (which is only one once off from the weight estimate on the BPP ultrasound. How often does that happen?!) and he was 21 inches long.

His birth was positively beautiful. It really was everything I hoped it would be. I owe so much of that to my amazing support team. Everyone from the nurse, to my midwife, to my mom and sisters played their part and helped me through everything. Mostly though Joel was my rock. He was by my side literally every minute of my labor and I could not have done it without him. With all their help and thanks to my body somehow knowing exactly what to do and when to do it I got an empowering, natural birth. The moment I met my son will forever be one of the best moments of my life.

We are home now and adjusting nicely. Wesley is a champion at nursing. I really expected it to be difficult and painful at the beginning but he knew just what to do and I have to say breastfeeding is one of my favorite things I’ve ever done in my life. He hasn’t quite gotten the hang of sleep but duh, I wouldn’t have expected him to. Joel is great at taking shifts so we both catch some sleep in spurts.

All in all I’m in state of complete newborn bliss. You’ll have to forgive me from slacking online for a bit. I’m just trying to soak up every second with my gorgeous new son.

“Bigger than average”

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

“Bigger than average”

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

Why we waited

ultrasound 6w4dswI wrote this post awhile ago but couldn’t seem to find the right time to hit publish. I hope by publishing it now it might help someone else who is struggling after a loss.

The first time we got pregnant we shared with the world right away. The day I peed on a stick we excitedly drove literal hours to be able to tell our family in person and not long after that we started posting about it.

And then we lost the pregnancy.

The support and love I got from everyone in my life, including virtual strangers was overwhelming. I honestly am not sure how I would have gotten through it without the unbelievable outpouring of support. I have absolutely zero regrets about sharing as early as we did because otherwise we would have had to walk through that dark time alone.

I honestly didn’t expect to do anything different this time around.

Then I got that positive test. And instead of joy and excitement I felt complete terror. The only person in the world I told that day was Joel, and since he had left for an out-of-town business trip I told him via text. Over the next few days I told a few members of my immediate family but just over the phone, trying to sound happy but choking back tears the entire time. Their excitement almost startled me.

It was not the happy time I felt like it should have been. Instead I felt depressed and scared. I sobbed into my pillow at night. It was so confusing. There was a tiny part of my that was cautiously hopeful. I wanted to be excited. I just could. not. get there.*

My doctor was so understanding and ordered blood work immediately to check that all my levels were where they were supposed to be. I passed with flying colors. You’d think that would have encouraged me but since I didn’t get blood work done the last time I didn’t know if it was truly a good sign or not. For all I knew my hormones were perfect then too. Or not. Who knows.

Joel seemed less apprehensive than me, but still he always phrased his excitement in mights” and ifs.”

I’m so excited that I might be a dad…

If this baby is born…

I hated those mights and ifs. They stung. I can’t blame him though, I talked the same way.

The three weeks from the positive test to when I could finally get an ultrasound seemed like an eternity. Still, only my very immediate family knew. There was a part of me that wanted to share with others but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The pregnancy did not feel real to me. I could not let myself get attached. I couldn’t let myself feel any real excitement.

That was why I stayed so quiet, why I didn’t share with the world. I could not bear to hear excited congratulations when I couldn’t muster up any excitement myself. I felt enough guilt over not being over the moon about my (potential) future child. I couldn’t imagine faking giddiness for someone else.

I refused to let strangers be more excited about my pregnancy than I was.

That first ultrasound I nearly crawled out of my own skin sitting on that table. When the ultrasound finally began I strained to see anything in that round black blob on the screen. It wasn’t empty. Or at least it didn’t look empty to my inexpert eye. Of course my doctor took what felt like years to say anything and when he did he began with the exact same Well…. in the exact same tone that started the bad news last time. But this time that well ended in “…there’s the heartbeat.

I stared at that tiny, flickering blob through tear filled eyes and finally felt the first surge of attachment. Hope. Excitement even.

It would still take me awhile to feel excited enough to share with my extended family and even longer to share with you wonderful internet people. I’m eternally grateful this pregnancy has turned out to be healthy so far because I definitely would not have wanted to walk through another loss alone. But I needed to always feel that I was the most excited about this pregnancy, no matter how little that was. I couldn’t rush the excitement. I’m glad I didn’t rush it.

Because trust me, now? There is no one more ecstatic and in love with this baby than me. I’m glad that’s the way it always was.

*The post I linked to was something I wrote anonymously on Band Back Together just after I got the positive pregnancy test. It is an incredibly raw look at how I was feeling at the time. I’m so grateful that I had that resource to voice my feelings and receive some support, even though I couldn’t thank those people at the time since I wanted to remain anonymous. It really is an invaluable resource.

Gender reveal!

Today we had our 20 week anatomy scan. In the words of the doctor the baby is perfect.

I definitely agree.

We also lucked out and had the best ultrasound tech. She walked us through everything she was doing and why which is great because unless you’re trained everything pretty much looks the same. Or at least it does to me. Honestly I was really afraid I would be all:

But no, it was very clearly a baby and a cute one if I do say so myself.

Also, the hands? Tucked under their face the whole time.

Serious swooning happened on my part.

Anyway, we’ve actually known the gender for awhile. Like, an entire month.

*gasp* I know.

But the thing was, a month ago we went to one of those 3D this is not a medical ultrasound!!1! places with a tech that would. not. stop. saying “Cute baby! There’s the cute baby. Hi cute baby! What a cutie baby!” I mean, I appreciated her enthusiasm but seriously, at 16 weeks it more resembled Skeletor or an alien than a baby. All that to say I wanted to be totally sure about things before we announced it to more than just our family.

We also didn’t see the actual bits because we wanted to be surprised along with our family. So, while we were pretty sure, I felt better about having an actual doctor confirm things.

Anyway, without further ado:

Our friend was kind enough to bake the cake for us so we could be surprised as we cut. It was seriously delicious.

Can you see?

It’s a boy!

No potty shot because who wants that on the internet? But trust me, there’s no question. He’s a healthy 14oz or so and all his parts look to be in working order. We have a short list of names but we’re making the final decision once we actually get to meet him.

We are so very excited.

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