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Tag: stress

“Bigger than average”

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

“Bigger than average”

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-6

We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-2

One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

Wesley-40-Weeks-Plus-5-Days-Photos-4

I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

38 Weeks

38weeksbelly

So, I feel like a house, officially.

Even the t-shirts I borrow from Joel are tight across my belly. I forget now whose blog I read it on but they mentioned feeling claustrophobic in their clothes. I get it now. Totally.

I also got a, “WOAH! I’ve seen your belly pictures online… but woah!” from someone I hadn’t seen in person in awhile. So apparently this bump photographs well. Or at least smaller in pictures than I look in person. Either that or I’m never wearing that shirt again. I’ll probably be burning that shirt just to be safe.

Despite feeling huge, I’m actually measuring behind by two weeks now. Midwife said it was probably his position though and isn’t worried about it. He’s lying head down (yay!) with his back across my right side and his feet directly in my left ribs. She also said he doesn’t really have far to move down so my hope for him dropping and getting out of my lungs and ribs were kind of crushed with that one. She told me she expects he’ll be small but long. So maybe the tall genes Joel and I missed will kick in with him?

Speaking of crushed, er mah gah my ribs you guys! I’m starting to be a bit worried he might actually break one. Or get his foot stuck in between the two bottom ones and not be able to get out. Can that happen? I’m really asking. Last night driving home in the car I had to seriously do relaxation most of the way home, not for contractions, but because it felt like he was trying to crowbar my bottom two ribs apart with his feet. He may be small but he is mighty.

As uncomfortable as he acts with all his pushing and wiggling he shows no signs of actually wanting to get more room by becoming an outside baby. I’ve had a few random contractions from being active but other than that, nothing, no signs that my body is even getting ready for labor. I’m not necessarily in a hurry at this point I guess. The exception being when he’s really hurting me with his movements then I’m all GET OUT! It will work out much better for everyone if he stays put another week or so at least though.

Other than the internal beatings this week has been pretty uneventful pregnancy-wise. My dad was taken to the hospital yesterday so that was stressful. They were afraid he was having another stroke but now they’re looking at other possible causes for his symptoms. I hate seeing my dad sick and not mentally all there. He is such a funny, brilliant man that it hurts me to see him be less than himself. I’m hoping these tests that they’re running give us some answers. My dad needs to be all there to meet my little guy. Keep him in your thoughts if you would.

On a side note, you get some fun looks from the people in the ER when you walk in as a giant pregnant lady. I wanted to immediately announce that I was just visiting. Instead I just walked to the elevator and found my dad’s room while sort of giggling to myself about what they were likely thinking.

So that’s it. It’s basically a waiting game from here. I put up a poll on SkyMommy’s Facebook page where you can guess what day he’ll be born. It only allows me to put in 10 options but I left the ability open for you to add your own if you want. If you guess the right date you get bragging rights and a mention on my blog. So, go cast your vote!

27 Weeks

Last week of the second trimester. Wait what?! I know!

This week was super stressful. Without going into all the gory details there was a very real possibility I was going to lose my health insurance 20 days before this kiddo is due.

Twenty days.

Of course my mind went a million places trying to figure out what I might do. From medicaid (we make just a little too much) to COBRA to begging to be induced at 37 weeks to traveling to a country with socialized medicine. If it was an option, no matter how ridiculous or unrealistic, I thought of it.

Thankfully I didn’t need to freak out and will be able to keep my insurance after all. I just found that out this afternoon and as soon as I heard I burst into happy tears. No one should have to worry that they’ll go bankrupt for bringing a child into the world. We never ever would have gotten pregnant if we thought there was a chance we’d lose our insurance. But it worked out and I can go back to being nervous about bringing this child into the world for all the right reasons.

As what I only can imagine was a result of the stress I got sick again this week. Nothing unmanageable, I’m still off my medicine, but enough for my body to remind me of who’s the boss. Hint, it’s not me.

Other than all that it was a relatively busy week. We started our Bradley classes and so far it seems like I’ll like it. Reading the books I was a bit nervous that it would be over the top (Bradley talks about anything other than a completely natural birth being not a birthday but a delivery-day. Uh, what?) but our instructor seems really reasonable. She believes in the method, having used it three times herself, but is committed to no judgement. I like that.

I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of protein I’m supposed to consume and while I’ve been writing down my food I haven’t tallied up total protein yet. I have a feeling I’ve been failing miserably despite eating what feels like ALL THE EGGS. Of course it didn’t help that I got sick and have been having aversions to most meat. Peanut butter, yogurt, milk and eggs are my BFFs at the moment. I hope that’s enough.

I think that’s all in pregnancy news this week. I know I said I would be getting posts up other than these once a week updates but with the way things were going I couldn’t find a time where it felt right to publish what I’d written. So, after the holidays? That’s the plan anyway.

I hope everyone who celebrates has a wonderful Christmas. See you next week with what I can only assume will be a much bigger belly. Christmas food, ya know.

Insurance fiasco

When I found out I was pregnant my first thought was OhmygoshholycrapYAYahhhhh! Yes, that’s a word. Trust me. My next thought was finding a doctor but that got pushed aside in the excitement of telling my family.

The next day I started to think about finding a doctor to confirm there is in fact a human growing in me and to eventually deliver it. I happen to be blessed with really great insurance through my job. Since Joel and I are healthy people with no strong ties to any specific doctor we chose an HMO plan so I’m limited to my network in my OB choices.

My first stop was to my “portal” to try to find a list of doctors who are in my network. I don’t visit it often because I know who my primary doctor is and we haven’t had any visits that would require me checking on any bills. I logged on and clicked around trying to find the list of doctors in my network. I remember seeing them at one point… maybe when I chose my primary doctor? But that was years ago so I didn’t know where to look. I decided the tab that said “My Coverage” was as good a place as any to start.

And that’s when the panic began.

Coverage = cancelled

CANCELLED?!?!

My heart immediately started racing and I went back through my mind to when I selected coverage during annual enrolment last year. I thought, oh god what if I did it wrong?! We didn’t get new cards this year but since ours didn’t have expiration dates on them I didn’t think anything of it. We did get new cards for our dental coverage though so I knew I’d done something right during enrolment.

I tried to take deep breaths and think anything other than oh god oh god oh god  I’m pregnant with no health insurance oh god oh god oh god!!! Frantically I looked through my phone contacts to try and find the number for my company’s benefits center.

Eight thousand prompts and two different phone numbers later I finally got a human on the phone. I held it together through all the button pushing but I admit the minute she said, “Hello, my name is Lisa, how can I help you?” I burst into tears. I’m not exactly sure how she made out what I was saying but it was something like, “Hi, I was looking at my insurance *sob* and cancelled and *sob* I just found out I’m pregnant and *sob* whyyyyy?

Bless that woman.

She got my info and was quickly able to tell me that she saw no problem on my company’s end of things. According to them my coverage was current and all good. That was when I started to breath again. She was kind enough to call BCBS for me and then transfer me over. Turns out it was just an internet problem. Apparently at the beginning of the year my policy number changed and since my login info was attached to that old number it showed as cancelled. All I had to do was reregister on the site with my new info and voila! no more problems. The nice lady even made sure our new cards were sent off and sent me a list of doctors I could see.

So now that that moment three hours of stress was over I had to get down to business and pick the person who would potentially deliver my first child.

I had a list of about 20 doctors and all I really had to go by was google to tell me if any of them are good or not.

Before I resorted to eenie meenie miny moe I DM’d the amazing Gina from The Feminist Breeder since I know she lives and works as a doula in the same general area that we live. I was a bit nervous since I know she’s insanely busy but she was so nice and after asking a couple questions she pointed me in the direction of a practice that seems to be exactly what I’m looking for. I have an appointment for this Friday so we’ll see how it goes. I’m equal parts excited and nervous.

Let’s just hope there’s no more insurance misunderstandings. Stress isn’t good for the baby!

Pointless Ramblings

I’ve had a long couple of days at work. Or weeks. Or months. Whatever I’m tired.

Being tired makes me much less inspired when it comes to blogging. I have no stories.

No, that’s not true. I have a million stories but not one I can put on a public blog.

I have no funny videos. I have some cute pictures but I’m saving them for Wednesday. So basically I’m idea-less. Fun.

When that happens I try to go through my archives and find something I started and never finished. Often that little bit of inspiration makes writing much easier. Sometimes I even get a completely different idea out of reading through a couple half finished posts.

This time however I noticed a trend. It’s a trend that I’m not sure is a good one. The trend is sad. All these half finished posts are depressing and that’s why I didn’t finish them. See, “real” people read this blog. When I say real I mean people I actually see face to face on a semi regular basis. This makes it hard for me to pour my guts out on here. Yesterday’s post was just a glimpse of what’s been churning under the surface for awhile now. I was thisclose to not hitting publish. And several times since I’ve been thisclose to taking it down.

The sad thing is, it’s not even that deep of a post I don’t think. Not compared to some of the amazing blogs I read. It’s not everything I wanted to say. I hate reading vague statuses and posts. That’s all I feel like I publish anymore.

I think part of it is because I’m so tired. It’s harder for me to laugh things off when I’m so tired I could cry. I really enjoy my job, especially since it’s grown so much over the last several weeks. It’s exciting. It’s also exhausting. It’s mostly mental exhaustion.

It’s biting my tongue when I want to talk.

It’s finding a balance between friendship and getting shit done.

I want to be a good manager. I also want to keep the friendships I’ve started. I’m afraid I can’t do both. Not that I’m awesome at keeping friends anyway…

I need to get back into acting. Or dancing. Or taekwondo…. Or something that allows me to be incredibly physical in my stress relief. I mean, being married does offer some activities that are good for that…. but, you know, mixing things up a bit.

Or something.

So basically I’ve just rambled for 400 words or so. And…. I’m not sure where all these words have gotten me exactly. I guess to the conclusion that I need to take a class.

Or start an anonymous blog…. who’s with me?

Drowning in stress

I’m so stressed out I can physically feel it. Like a tight grip across my chest. I’m sure that’s why I’m fighting one of the worst sore throats I’ve ever had in my life.

I hate feeling stupid.

And inadequate.

I’m just overwhelmed.

The worst part is, the one person who can help me hates me.

So that’s basically no help at all.

I’ve noticed my heart racing at random times lately. Even when I’m just lying down.

That can’t be good.

It’s probably because my mind never stops going a mile a minute.

I never do anything halfway. Whatever I do I throw myself into 100%.

I can’t stand screwing up or making mistakes.

I want to be perfect.

Except I’m not.

But the idea of disappointing people in my life….

Hate it.

::sigh::

I can do this.

I. Can. Do. This.

I have to. I refuse to fail. All I need is a little more information. I just need to actually do certain things once and then it will be fine.

It will be nice when I don’t have someone undercutting me and trying to make me look bad at every turn. That’s really tough.

The irony is, by trying to screw me over it’s only made me look better and made them look like an ass. So not the most effective sabotage.

However, to my morale? It’s been relatively effective. My mind is constantly racing trying to catch mistakes before they happen. I feel like at any moment I’m going to fail and fall out of good graces.

It makes me feel like throwing up.

Or crying.

Or screaming.

I want to do well but it’s starting to wear on me. I’m not ready to give up, not by a long shot. I just feel like I’ve been waiting for things to get better for months and I’m still waiting.

Overall I’m very positive. Things are vastly better than they used to be. There’s still so far to go and if I let myself focus on that too much I’m afraid I’ll drown in those thoughts.

My goal right now is to keep smiling. No matter what. Amazingly a smile, even when it starts out faked, can turn a day from bad to good. It improves my mood almost without me realizing it.

You just can’t smile and have a bad day.

Or at least that’s the idea.

Why do I do this?!

I procrastinate. And I freaking hate it. I leave for India tomorrow.

TOMORROW!

Guess how packed I am at 8pm the night before.

(not at all)

Guess how many blog posts I have ready.

(still have a bunch to write or get ready to post)

So yeah, I’m freaking out just a little.

I’ll get it all done. I always do. Will I get a decent night of sleep? That is very questionable.

So this post is a little phoned in. Sorry. I just have to concentrate on other things right now. Because I’m already tired and am hours away from being able to go to bed.

Ugh.

Covered in coffee

Today I left work covered in coffee from head to toe.

Seriously.

At least of the many smells I could smell like working in a restaurant type setting coffee is one of the best. Joel definitely seems to appreciate it.

The reason I was covered in coffee was because from the time we opened at 7am we were slammed with business. And my lovely coworker called in sick. On the busiest morning of the week. Which turned into the busiest morning we’ve had. Ever. And me left to handle it basically alone. Awe.some.

I reached the breaking point when I had rung in no less than five espresso orders and still had a line practically out the door. Thank God that was the moment one of the cashiers came over and offered to take over ringing people up which left me free to make lattes and cappuccinos like a mad woman.

Next thing I knew it was noon. I don’t know if people ate outside. I’m not even positive how more brewed coffee got made. That whole block of time is a blur of espresso grounds and steaming milk. There was much splashing and spillage. Hence my being covered in coffee and the whole bar area looking like a Javanese war zone. If the Javanese used coffee as weapons, that is.

Honestly, I’ve never had so much fun at work. I work well under pressure. Just ask Joel about my getting ready last minute skills. I felt like a real barista for the first time. I cranked those drinks out. I’m fairly certain I didn’t even mess any up. Or at least not bad enough for anyone to complain. Every drink even had latte art on it. I’m just that pro.

Or something. Some of the art was more abstract. Or happy accidents like a tulip I made on one drink. The recipient probably thought I was crazy the way I was squeeing over her latte.

Me- “Ooooh! Pretty flower!”

Guest- thinking “That coffee girl has lost it

I just have to figure out how to do it again. Then I’ll go pro.

Actually, did you know they really do have World Barista Championships? I didn’t until I did the training with Intelligentsia and saw the shelf full of trophies. It’s a serious business if you get really into it.

Anyway, all the customers were actually really fantastic and totally understanding. Thank goodness it wasn’t a weekday where they were all on their way to the train. I have a feeling there would have been a lot less smiling and a lot more huffing and yelling. With everyone in a happy mood it helped keep me relaxed and having a good time.

So today was a great day despite (or maybe because) a girl called in sick. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been quite so annoyed with her. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Plus? I didn’t have to share the tips.

Little bits of happiness

Life can be so stressful. Right now we’re in the process of me (hopefully) starting a new job soon. We’re trying to find a new place to live. Trying to pay off some credit cards. We had to replace a headlight on our car… you know, just life. However, amid the stressful things life inevitably throws at us there are always the simple little things that make days bright and happy.

This weekend was full of those little things:

-Watching my family gather together in support of my mom

-Getting to see my sister and nephew in from California

-Seeing my Oma from Kansas City and Aunt from Florida

-Spending the entire day today with my mom and Oma. Seriously, my mom and I could talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and never run out of things to talk about.

-Finding a gift card from Starbucks in my wallet that had $18 on it. That’s like free money!

-One of the girls from my book club invited me to a Cubs game tomorrow. Third freakin’ row seats. Mind = blown. I’m so excited.

My poor sister sat standby at the airport (on literally no sleep) all day long and didn’t get out. She’s spending the night here and is going to try again tomorrow. The flights don’t look a whole lot better and since her car is parked in San Fransisco she can’t fly in anywhere else. Say a prayer, cross your fingers and hop on one foot that she gets out because spending two long days at airport sucks. Spending two long days at an airport with a five year old (even one that is really well behaved) while your husband just got in from a deployment sucks way worse. She will accept any extra plane tickets to SFO just in case anyone has one laying around. Just saying.

Aside from feeling bad for my sister I’m just so happy. I’m so blessed in so many ways. I have a wonderful life and it’s fun to look back and list things that make my life as great as it is. Optimism for the win!

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