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Tag: sadness

Happy

It’s funny how when I’m happy I feel the need to apologize for it. I am so freaking happy. And you know what? I’m not sorry about that.

Not even a little.

But still I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not on my blog anyway. Because that would be like bragging, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, it’s so different from how I was feeling a month ago. A month ago I was seriously starting to wonder if I needed help of the men in white coats sort.

Or at least the kind that comes with happy pills and couches.

It isn’t normal to feel such deep sadness that you cry for days.

For no reason at all.

It makes me feel almost dizzy just thinking about it. It was awful.

The scary thing is, I never figured out why I was so unhappy. All I know is that I’m happy now.

I have a feeling my happiness has a lot to do with the fact that I’m working again. As “nice” as it is to lounge around all day everyday chatting on Twitter and watching my shows I felt useless and lazy. I hate feeling lazy. I consider laziness my biggest flaw.

Now, almost every day I shower, get dressed, smile and interact with humans. My clothes are fitting better even though the number on the scale hasn’t gone down. When I do spend time lazing around the house it’s a treat. There’s still a little guilt but it’s justifiable.

There’s a small undercurrent of unease that follows me around. Like a dark trickle under the surface that threatens to burst at any moment and become the next gulf spill of sadness.

I don’t ever want to go back to the dark place I was in. I also don’t want my happiness to depend on work or other outside factors that I can’t really control. I want my happiness to come from inside of me. That’s a much more elusive kind of happiness.

The good news is, unless I think about really hard I can’t tell the difference between that kind of happy and the kind I am now. I’m content to take the kind of happiness I can get for now though.

Even if there’s a chance it could disappear, it sure is wonderful while it lasts.

Dark thoughts

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. There are so few words that are as ugly. The words that are as ugly? Usually are related to hate in some way.

Sometimes, if I let myself think too hard I start having hateful feelings. They usually start as sadness. Then anger at the fact that I’m sad. Then the real ugliness tries to creep in.

Because sometimes I’m still so angry.

Angry at what I feel was taken from me.

Angry at what I believe to be unfair treatment towards me.

Angry at actions that I absolutely don’t understand and may never have an explanation for. And even if they were explained I doubt the answer would satisfy me.

It just feels so fucking unfair.

Then I feel my whole body tense. My teeth clench and I only breathe in short, shallow breaths. My shoulders tense up and I can feel my forehead furrow. My nostrils flare. Often I start to shiver.

If I let myself at that point my thoughts start to get so dark and ugly. I have caught myself wishing physical harm and even death on certain individuals. I am not even a little proud of this.

How dare they make me feel this way? How fucking dare they.

Then I remember, I control how I feel. I remind myself to take deep breaths. I unclench my teeth and purposely relax my forehead. I am so not letting them give me wrinkles. I roll my neck from side to side with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing.

I will not hate them. No. It only hurts me.  I refuse to let them make me unhappy.

You know what? My life is good. Actually, my life is unbelievably fantastic. No sarcasm. Hating only gives away my control of my feelings and, after all that’s been taken from me, I refuse to allow that to be taken too.

I am still hurt, angry, confused and rejected. However, hate? I will not do that. I will not think it. I do not hate them.

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. It’s one word that is never allowed in my life.

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