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Overdue

Mallwalking

And I’m surprisingly okay with it.

Now yesterday? I was decidedly not okay with it. I also reserve the right to not be okay with this whole overdue thing at any point in the future.

However I woke up this morning feeling really zen about the whole thing. Here is why:

I’m waited on hand and foot– Joel treats me like a queen. More than usual even. This is mostly due to the fact that moving is freaking difficult anymore. If he’s not there to help me off the couch chances are, unless it’s an emergency, I just won’t get up. It’s that much of an effort. He knows that and really doesn’t mind grabbing me a glass of water or tea or helping me yank off my shoes. It’s kind of awesome really. Once this kid is out I’ll have a couple more weeks of guilt free queen-dom and then I’ll have to go back to actually doing things for myself. Why rush it?

I eat what I want – Seriously. At this point I’ve only gained about 25 pounds which is the low end of what I’m supposed to gain. So I eat whatever sounds delicious. And sure, I struggle with nausea still which is really frustrating but, when that eases up, I stuff my face with popcorn and nutella and brownies and ice cream and pizza and…. well you get the point. Once this kid is out I’m going to want to start thinking about losing the baby weight. Who really wants to rush to eat less dessert? Not me.

Everyone smiles at me – It’s something I’ve noticed lately. Everywhere I go people look at me and grin. I’m assuming it’s because I’m just such an adorable pregnant lady and not because I spilled something down the front of me. Although there are plenty of times when the spilling thing is true too. Plus, the look on people’s faces when they ask me when I’m due and I say “last Thursday” cracks me up.

My house is SO clean – I’m generally a messy person. However, the idea of bringing a brand new baby into a messy house makes me insane so my house has never been and stayed so clean for so long. I have a feeling I won’t be as concerned about messiness when I’m battling the newborn haze so I’m enjoying this while it lasts.

It’s not like I’m going to sleep better – I get frustrated with the pregnancy insomnia and the waking up every couple of hours to pee. But I’m well aware of the fact that newborns take sleep deprivation to a whole new level so there’s no point in rushing that. I enjoy the sleep that I can get while I’m getting it.

I love my bump – Sure it makes standing up, rolling over in bed or any movement all at really tricky but seriously I love it. I’ve never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I will miss this big old bump (and the kicks I feel in it) more than anything else about pregnancy.

Everything is healthy – and really I’m only 4 days late. That’s not that late, although it does kind of feel like an eternity.  Wesley has passed two non stress tests with flying colors. The contractions that I’m having I either can’t feel at all or aren’t really that uncomfortable. My body has dilated and effaced some already so that bodes well for when I go into active labor. We get to see him on an ultrasound tomorrow morning to make sure his fluids and movements and all that are good.

My midwife says boys are 8 days late on average. I asked if there was a limit for how long I could go and she said no. She doesn’t like to set an arbitrary induction date because, as long as everything is healthy, an induction date just puts pressure on the whole situation. I love that so much. She did say we could induce any time I wanted “today even” and I’m not going to lie I considered it for a fraction of a second. But really, my body is doing it’s thing, Wesley seems healthy and comfortable and I hear pitocin is a real bitch. No reason to stress him or my uterus unless it looks like he or I aren’t doing well anymore.

NST2

So yeah, as of this moment I’m fine with being pregnant forever. We’re still doing all the things (tea, pineapple, primrose oil, walking, sex (I’m thinking Joel is secretly okay with me going awhile yet because of this one) bouncing on an exercise ball, spicy foods…. and some I’m forgetting. Really, all the things) to get things going. If you’d like to give me advice on something else to try let me refer you to number 5 on this post… and then please don’t. I appreciate the thought but it makes me want to rage quit the internet.

I’m okay with being late. Really.

40 weeks

Hi due date!

40weeksbelly

We made it to 40 weeks.

I picked this shirt for my 40 week picture on purpose because I thought it might be fun to see how accurate those belly pillows are at Motherhood. If you follow me on Instagram you may remember when I posted this:

compare1

I was 25 weeks at the time and the belly was supposed to add three months.

compare25vs40

And three and half months later? It’s not too far off actually. Thankfully my actual belly looks less like a lumpy pillow.

Anyway, on to pregnancy news. Obviously Wesley decided to be an individual and not come on the 17th. That’s okay, at this point I’m happy with any birth day he chooses.

Any.

Hear that, Wesley?

Obviously I’d prefer it be sooner rather than later.

This morning was rough. I woke up feeling like crap. Thinking maybe I just needed to eat, I had breakfast… and proceeded to see it in reverse. Ugh. Seriously, at 40 weeks I should not still be suffering from morning sickness. My body is a cruel, cruel bitch sometimes.

So of course after that I had a massive meltdown. I texted Joel that he needed to come home right now (as opposed to in ten minutes when he was planning on leaving to pick me up for our appointment.) I’m sure he probably thought I was in labor. Oops, sorry babe. Anyway, he calmed me down and assured me that I would not in fact be pregnant and nauseated forever and we managed to make it into our appointment on time.

Thankfully the appointment went great. I had a non stress test and found out I was actually having contractions. Who knew? I couldn’t feel them but apparently they were there. Wesley tolerated them great and was wiggling and kicking up a storm. Pretty sure he wasn’t a fan of the pressure the belts put on my belly because he kept kicking right on them.

NST

Ignore my puffy eyes. That’s what a hysterical meltdown right before an appointment gets you.

The midwife asked if I wanted to be checked and I decided to go ahead and find out. (Yes, I’m about to talk about my cervix so if that’s not your thing move on to the next paragraph.) I honestly didn’t expect to be dilated at all and to get super discouraged but I just needed to know. Thankfully it was great news! The first thing she said was that she can feel his head. He’s apparently really low, like 0 or even -1 station. I guess that’s why it feels like he’s taking a pair of scissors to my cervix half the time, he is IN my pelvis. I’m also dilated to 3cm, and 60% effaced. Apparently that’s really good for a first time mom. happy dance. She asked if I wanted her to sweep my membranes and since I’m already a bit dilated I said sure. It was uncomfortable for sure but honestly not worse than Wesley’s head banging against it all day. I’ve noticed some of my mucous plug now since I’ve gone to the restroom a couple times. Being excited about seeing mucus when you wipe has to be the weirdest thing ever but if I hadn’t been in a public restroom I may have shouted Woo Hoo! out loud. Pregnancy is so glamorous you guys.

All of that may not mean that he’s coming in the next day or two but at least there is something going on. We didn’t discuss induction or anything, I’m just coming back to be monitored every three days or so and if I make it to 41 weeks (oh god, please no) we’ll do a sonogram to make sure everything still looks okay. It’s really great to have care providers that aren’t rushing me. I know that isn’t always the case and it’s great to feel respected and well taken care of.

So we wait. It’s so annoying being in this limbo. I feel like I can’t make any plans because who knows if the baby will be here or coming or whatever. I’m trying to still enjoy this down time. Joel and I have been doing a lot of cuddling and watching movies and just being quiet. I’ve gotten some video clips of Wesley moving around my belly. I miss Phoebe like mad and I can’t wait to meet Wesley but I really am trying to appreciate these last few moments with just Joel. So soon everything will be completely different.

39 Weeks

39weeksbelly

This is my last weekly update before my due date.

Wait, what now?

Could be my last weekly update period if this kid decides to follow in his mom and dad’s footsteps and be born on a 17th. I’ve been discussing it with Wesley and telling him Sunday is his birthday so he better not miss it. St. Patrick’s Day would be a pretty freaking cool birthday. Plus, my favorite midwife is on call this weekend. Not that I mind who catches him that much, we’ve just seen her the most so it would be cool to have her at the birth.

It’s fine if he picks another birthday. I mean obviously.

I would prefer it be sooner rather than later. But also it would be nice if he waits until at least after this weekend because Joel has his dad-chelor party tomorrow. It’s also my nephew’s birthday Saturday and it would be really cool if my little guy could have his own day. Not to mention my nephew would probably be pretty bummed if everyone got pulled away from his party because I was in labor.

So basically I have a lot of opinions about when he comes. Which means he will likely come exactly when I don’t want him to.

Such is life.

We had another uneventful appointment yesterday where Joel captured this,

doppler

which has to be one of my favorite shots of all time. I will never get sick of hearing Wesley’s beautiful healthy heartbeat.

She didn’t check me for dilation again and I’m totally fine with that. If I’m not dilated at all I’ll just be bummed and if I am it could give me a false sense of when things might start happening. There is a tiny bit of me that is curious but not enough to request a check. She didn’t mention if I would get checked at my next appointment (which is on my due date, eek!).

Other than the good appointment, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, took a shower and promptly puked my guts out. It was a nice little flashback into the first trimester. I remained horrendously nauseated all day, to the point where I couldn’t pull it together enough to go to dance. That was really upsetting, especially since my studio is now on break for the next two weeks. So I guess my pregnant dancing days are over. Sigh.

So now it’s just a waiting game. Joel is incredibly jumpy, which I find completely adorable. I find myself feeling like I need to cling to every second. Every lazy moment, every cuddle with Joel, every moment of sleep. We went to the movies. They asked if we wanted to sign up for a rewards card and we just kind of laughed because who knows when we might be back.

Every wiggle and kick feels extra precious because I know I don’t get to feel them much longer. Of course I can’t wait to nibble on the delicious little toes and knees that have been making my belly dance but I’ll miss feeling him go crazy after I have a Coke or milkshake. I will not miss the nausea or the food aversions or feeling like my pelvis is trying to split in half every time I move, but the kicks? Those I will miss, even the hard ones to the ribs.

39 Weeks

39weeksbelly

This is my last weekly update before my due date.

Wait, what now?

Could be my last weekly update period if this kid decides to follow in his mom and dad’s footsteps and be born on a 17th. I’ve been discussing it with Wesley and telling him Sunday is his birthday so he better not miss it. St. Patrick’s Day would be a pretty freaking cool birthday. Plus, my favorite midwife is on call this weekend. Not that I mind who catches him that much, we’ve just seen her the most so it would be cool to have her at the birth.

It’s fine if he picks another birthday. I mean obviously.

I would prefer it be sooner rather than later. But also it would be nice if he waits until at least after this weekend because Joel has his dad-chelor party tomorrow. It’s also my nephew’s birthday Saturday and it would be really cool if my little guy could have his own day. Not to mention my nephew would probably be pretty bummed if everyone got pulled away from his party because I was in labor.

So basically I have a lot of opinions about when he comes. Which means he will likely come exactly when I don’t want him to.

Such is life.

We had another uneventful appointment yesterday where Joel captured this,

doppler

which has to be one of my favorite shots of all time. I will never get sick of hearing Wesley’s beautiful healthy heartbeat.

She didn’t check me for dilation again and I’m totally fine with that. If I’m not dilated at all I’ll just be bummed and if I am it could give me a false sense of when things might start happening. There is a tiny bit of me that is curious but not enough to request a check. She didn’t mention if I would get checked at my next appointment (which is on my due date, eek!).

Other than the good appointment, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, took a shower and promptly puked my guts out. It was a nice little flashback into the first trimester. I remained horrendously nauseated all day, to the point where I couldn’t pull it together enough to go to dance. That was really upsetting, especially since my studio is now on break for the next two weeks. So I guess my pregnant dancing days are over. Sigh.

So now it’s just a waiting game. Joel is incredibly jumpy, which I find completely adorable. I find myself feeling like I need to cling to every second. Every lazy moment, every cuddle with Joel, every moment of sleep. We went to the movies. They asked if we wanted to sign up for a rewards card and we just kind of laughed because who knows when we might be back.

Every wiggle and kick feels extra precious because I know I don’t get to feel them much longer. Of course I can’t wait to nibble on the delicious little toes and knees that have been making my belly dance but I’ll miss feeling him go crazy after I have a Coke or milkshake. I will not miss the nausea or the food aversions or feeling like my pelvis is trying to split in half every time I move, but the kicks? Those I will miss, even the hard ones to the ribs.

33 weeks

33weeksbelly

I’m getting to the feeling huge stage. And I have so much growing left to do. Oof.

One thing I’m fascinated by is my belly button. It’s still in but I can feel it stretching, mostly in my belly button ring scar. I’m wondering, for those of you who have already done this, when did your belly button pop out? Or did any of you have it never pop out? Because it seems like there’s quite a lot left to go.

The highlight of this week was this past Saturday we got real (aka not iPhone) maternity pictures taken. I was super nervous for some reason but I’m thrilled with how they turned out. I can’t wait to share them with you all. The photographer should be mailing them out soon. They definitely deserve their own post so be on the lookout for that, hopefully sometime next week.

The rest of the week didn’t live up to the good start unfortunately. Nothing bad happened, I’ve just felt like crap. My nausea and food aversions kicked it up a notch for some reason. I’ve basically been living off Chobani, grapefruits, nachos and Nutella sandwiches. Those are eaten separately by the way. No crazy food mixtures for this pregnant lady. I have been forcing myself to try to eat other things, because ya know, growing a human takes nutrients. Nothing really goes over well though. I am grateful that I’m not actually getting sick or anything. It is frustrating to be SO HUNGRY and have nearly all food sound disgusting. I am over it.

Despite my horrible nutrition this kid is growing. How do I know? Because he’s squeezing my lungs. This week I’ve had the pleasure of the holy crap I cannot get a breath feeling. That and my heart racing. That’s fun too. They seem to be related and stretching out, either by lying down or standing, seems to remedy it. It’s still incredibly unpleasant. Yay, pregnancy!

Another pregnancy milestone I hit was buying some Tums. I have never in my life had to take them. I have been incredibly lucky in that any heartburn I’ve experienced has been remedied with a glass of milk. The other night the only thing I could think of to eat were nachos with tons of jalapenos so I figured it would be wise to pick some up. I didn’t end up needing them but they’re on my nightstand just in case.

Sorry this post is basically a big fat whine. I try to be positive but every once in awhile pregnancy symptoms wear me down. Every time this little guy kicks and wiggles, especially when he does it because Joel came home, my heart melts and I know it’s worth it. Not going to lie, the uncomfortableness is making me all that much more anxious to meet this little guy. I suppose that’s the point.

26 weeks

So, exciting news, I haven’t taken a pill since last Friday. That’s a whole week! I am so freaking excited. I’ve still been nauseous which is less than fun but I haven’t actually gotten sick. I didn’t say anything online all week because I didn’t want to jinx it but I think I can declare myself officially weaned off the anti-nausea medication. Wee!

I’m feeling way bigger this week. My grandpa lovingly tells me I’m getting fat every time I see him. If it were anyone else on the planet that would probably make me burst into tears but somehow my grandpa can say it and it comes off as endearing. He’s a special man. Joel also kindly pointed out that I’ve started to waddle a bit sometimes. This is due to my lower back pain so it’s not all the time but now that he said it I’ve started to notice myself doing it. It concerns me a bit that I’ve started pregnant walking already because I feel like I have such a long way to go. I’d love to find a chiropractor in my area but since we have an HMO I’ve put off going through that process. I’d also love to find one that uses an activator as that’s the technique I was raised on but that might be asking too much. If anyone in the Chicago area has a suggestion though I’d love it.

This week I found out something that kind of surprised me. I don’t hate it when people I know touch my belly. I really thought I would but honestly? I kind of love it. Now, I have yet to have a stranger do it. I’ve joked that if a stranger comes up and touches my stomach I’m going to just do it right back to them. We’ll see if I’m brave enough if/when the time comes though.

Other than that it’s been a relatively low key week and that’s fine with me. I know the holidays are zooming towards me and that will be it’s own form of crazy. And of course I want zero excitement at all times pregnancy wise. I have felt occasional tightness which I can only assume are braxton hicks contractions. They’re never painful or remotely regular but they sure are a strange sensation. I also get paranoid every once in awhile because I read too many stories online and if I don’t feel Baby Boy move for a while I get nervous. Of course as soon as I get nervous he starts doing acrobatics and proves I’m just driving myself crazy and should probably stop reading Baby Center and other blogs. But I’m already addicted so too late.

When I said I was going to do these updates once a week I planned to do more than just these updates. I have a few stories from early in the pregnancy sitting in my drafts and a rather funny experience trying on clothes from last week so I’ll try to get some of those up between these updates.

Twenty Four Weeks! Plus bonus bump picture round up

Those three words feel huge to me. Every milestone week felt big.

Twelve weeks felt big because of the reduced risk of miscarriage. Also the promise of the end of morning sickness. Ahem, still waiting on that one by the way.

Fourteen weeks felt big because woo hoo! Second trimester!

Twenty weeks felt big because I was halfway done.

But twenty four weeks feels more than big, it feels huge. Today marks the day that if I go into labor they can try and keep my boy alive.

Obviously I want this boy to stay put for quite awhile longer. I want him to cook for as long as he needs to in order to come out safe and healthy. I also haven’t had any indication that he’s planning on making an appearance any time soon and that’s just the way I like it. There is a sense of reality that comes with this week though. From this day on this kid who has been thumping away at my uterus and making me hate almost all food is a baby. A baby with a real chance at life.

I feel like today I can love him just a little bit more. I hope that doesn’t come off as harsh or callous. I already loved this boy more than I knew possible. Knowing that, as of today, if he made an unexpected early entrance we could actually fight to keep him alive and not just say goodbye somehow allows my heart to love him just that much more.

Anyway, everything seems so far so good. I had a rough go of nausea last week that almost made me google whether anyone has ever been knocked up again halfway through a pregnancy. I really felt like I’d been catapulted back into week 8 or something. Thankfully it has eased off again and I’m back to just having to pop a zofran every day or so. Other than than that and some lower back pain I’ve been feeling pretty well.

Baby boy is quite the kicker. I felt him for the first time at 16 weeks, right after we found out the gender. Joel finally got to feel it for the first time the day after his birthday and oh do I wish I could have captured the expression on his face when he did. The mixture of surprise and joy was so magical I wish I could box it up and keep it forever. I’ve experienced very few moments of pure magic in my life but that was one of them.

I’m also finally really showing and not in the did-she-just-eat-too-many-cheeseburgers? kind of way.

See?

24 weeks, woot!

If you follow me on Instagram you’ve already been keeping up on my bump pictures (and if you don’t, go fix that). For those of you that missed them, here’s a round up of the ones I’ve taken so far.

18 weeks, first bump picture is in a public bathroom. Nothing but class here.

(forgot to take a 19 week photo, oops)

20 weeks, halfway done!

21 weeks. Dork at a punk rock show.

22 weeks. Back lit baby bump!

23 weeks. Thanksgiving! P.s. maternity pants? Made for days like Thanksgiving.

I’m going to try and do these belly picture/update posts weekly from now on. I know, you’re excited.

 

After a storm…

there’s a rainbow:

I’m 17 weeks.

What?!

I know. I’ll get into the reasons why we waited so long to share in another post. They might be different than you’d expect (although if you’ve experienced a loss maybe not).

For now I’ll say that the baby seems healthy. I had a rough go of it as far as “morning” (ha! I wish) sickness goes but I’m slowly moving past that and thanking God every day for the invention of Zofran. Other than that, things have been going well.

I would post a bump picture but so far there’s really none to speak of unless you’re looking at me naked and I have a strict no naked pictures policy on this blog. I can tell my waistline has changed though and I find myself wanting to shout “I haven’t just eaten too many cheeseburgers, I’m pregnant!” to everyone I meet.

But I digress.

I’m falling more and more in love with this baby especially since I’ve felt the very first flutters not long ago. This is real. This is happening.

My lucky charm is coming March 2013.

Done

The sun shone in the bright blue sky as I made my way into the hospital and followed the signs to registration. I couldn’t help but notice the huge sign noting that floor number 4 was for Labor and Delivery. Instead I pressed the button for floor 2, same day surgery.

It was an unusually quiet day for surgery and I was the only one on the floor. The nurse handed me a gown and ushered me into a curtained off area. She laughed when I told Joel there was no reason for him to hang back while I changed since “he’s seen it all.” I was doted on by the three nurses on the floor with as many warm blankets, smiles and kinds words as I could handle. Joel and I actually laughed and made jokes as I took in the very new experience of being the one in the hospital bed instead of the support in the chair.

Part of the hospitals security procedures requires every new staff member to verify my name, birth date and why I was there before they performed any procedure.

D&C

The words always hung in the air for a few short seconds after they were said.

Joel held my hand as I took deep breaths through my blood draw and very first IV. I didn’t pass out or throw up and when you combine my hate of needles and my already uneasy hormonal stomach that is a serious win.

I was wheeled down the hall and onto another floor for the procedure. Joel had to leave me at that point and that’s when I got really nervous. I made sure to tell him that if something were to go wrong to give me a fighting chance before they unplug me. I was mostly joking.

I had no real idea of what to expect as my surgical experience is limited to what I’ve seen on TV. I was not lifted, sheets and all, onto the operating table. It makes sense since there was no trauma but still, I didn’t realize until I was sliding myself from the bed to the table that I’d half expected it. Everything goes dark shortly after that. No mask and counting back from 10. No idea how they knocked me out actually although I assume it was something slipped into my IV.  I do remember someone calling me petite and being half complimented, half worried about what that might mean for the anaesthesia.

I was obviously in very capable hands because next thing I knew I was in recovery asking a nurse if everything went okay. I was apparently there for an hour but I truly only remember the last 15-20 minutes of it. The secrets of that room and any post antithetic antics will forever be with that nurse and the 90-year-old man next to me since Joel was only allowed in the room once I was fully conscious. Phew.

I’m still amazed how quickly I’ve recovered. Before I knew it I was eating the most delicious toast I’ve ever had in my life (not being nauseous for the first time in weeks is truly a beautiful thing) and then getting dressed and being wheeled down to the car to come home. It was honestly easier than getting my wisdom teeth pulled. Physically anyway.

As far as mentally, I’m glad that it’s over. I’m glad to not have to sit around and wait and wonder anymore. As long as my body refused to take care of things by itself and kept me feeling so lousy I couldn’t help but hang onto that lingering what-if. Now there’s no question. It’s done. I’m ready to start truly dealing with my loss and to start rejoining society. I couldn’t do that when my half my focus was on what I could stand to put in my stomach and the other half was spent trying to keep what little food I managed to eat down.

I have one more day of rest and then Thursday I will dip my toe back into the world. My healing has begun.

In hiding

First of all I have received so much love and support from so many and for that I’m so grateful. It really does mean the world to me to know that so many care. Really and truly from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I say this because I have basically been M.I.A. since Thursday. It’s been so hard and right now I just… can’t… talk about it out loud yet. I’ve been ignoring calls and haven’t really responded to any messages. I haven’t even checked my email. I literally can’t talk about it out loud because my throat closes and my eyes fill and it’s physically impossible to get out more than a couple words.

Plus there’s still that unknown. That IF.

That IF is torturing me.

There’s a tiny part of me that can’t help but hope it’s all a big mistake and on Wednesday when I go in for another scan there my baby will be. Of course the minute I think that my mind flashes back to the nothing I saw. That horrible, ugly void. And when I see that in my mind I can’t see how anything could possibly have been hiding. There wasn’t a flicker of what should have been.

Of course I still feel nauseous and ridiculously tired all the time. My boobs are still sore. I haven’t seen even the slightest hint of spotting or felt a cramp. There’s nothing to indicate that I’m not completely normally pregnant.

Nothing of course except the nothing that I saw.

I’m feeling so guilty now for ever having doubts about wanting the baby. Irrational or not I feel like I wished it away in those moments. I also feel guilty for hurting so many people in my life that I love. So many people have said that they’re hurting and even crying for me and while that means the world to me it’s obviously not what I want. I didn’t want to cause people pain. I now really understand why people wait until 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy. Not that I regret announcing so soon. If I was alone in all this I don’t know how I’d make it through. I guess that makes me selfish.

I also feel so betrayed and angry at my body. Stupid body. If I’m not pregnant and haven’t been in so long that a fetus isn’t even visible why do I feel like this? Stop making me gag at the thought of food or get chills from trying so hard not to puke. It’s so freaking stupid. I don’t mind feeling like this if I’m making my child but what’s the point if there’s nothing there? Just to add that little bit of misery to things? Freaking nice.

So I’m not a happy person to be around right now, I can’t even fake it. That’s why I’m in hiding. I hope you all understand and will forgive me for this. I’ve been distracting myself as much as possible and just trying to fill the days until Wednesday rolls around and I can finally get out of limbo, one way or the other.

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