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Tag: mystery pain

Betrayal

I have always struggled with body image issues.

The miscarriage has only made my body hate so much worse. I feel completely betrayed by my body. I’m so angry with it still. Not only could it not develop a normal pregnancy but it couldn’t figure out there was no baby growing. It made me so nauseous I could barely function while I knew there was no chance of a healthy baby.

Then, it bled for almost a full week longer than what the doctor told me I could expect. Not enough to be dangerous or even worrisome. Just enough to be annoying and make me miserable.

Then I finally got a bit of a break only to have the mother of all deluges for my first period “back.” I ruined a pair of pants, a set of sheets and countless underwear because I simply wasn’t prepared for this uncommonly heavy “welcome back to fertility.”

That finally ended and I hoped my body would even things out. In the in between Joel and I still weren’t trying but we weren’t exactly careful either.

The day my next period was due I spotted a bit so I prepared myself for another deluge like last time. I walked around for four days with basically a diaper on only to have barely another spot show up. Then things stopped altogether. Pregnancy tests kept coming back negative and so I found myself in a weird limbo of did I just finish the lightest period of my life or am I secretly pregnant already? I knew if I was pregnant the fact that I didn’t even get the faintest of lines on a test was not a good sign for viability.

One week later my questions were answered with yet another ruined pair of underwear. Turns out my period just decided to show up a full week late for the first time in my entire life. FUN! This one wasn’t quite as Niagara Falls as the last one so at least there’s that.

Then(!) two days ago I woke up, stepped out of bed and yelped because my ankle hurt so much. It felt like I sprained it. Except there’s no swelling and I have no memory of doing anything to injure it. It’s still the same today and I have no idea what’s going on. Luckily I have another week off dance before the summer session starts. It’s already stopping me from working out. If this mystery injury doesn’t clear up soon though it’s going to keep me from doing the one thing that’s been keeping me sane.

I just want to know when my body will be done messing with my head. I feel like I just start to heal and then my body pulls some other form of torture out to undo all of it. It makes me terrified to start trying again.

Logically I’m pretty sure I know my body is not actually out to get me. That doesn’t help me feel any less betrayed by it though.

I have a finger I would like to show this thumb

How do these things happen to me? I’m afraid I broke my thumb. How?

No effing clue.

Seriously I have no idea.

All I know is, I’m in extreme pain suddenly and inexplicably.

Only when I move my thumb though. So that’s… good? Oh right except do you know how much you actually move your thumb? Or bump it? Or twist it?

Turns out quite a lot.

Thank goodness I’m right handed because otherwise I would have been completely useless at work. I just yelped occasionally. Ya know, perfectly normal waitress behavior. Random yelps. Cute.

Oh and do you have any idea how difficult it is to put in a ponytail without using one thumb? Try it. Basically impossible. And since I work around food my hair is required to be up. I have so far succeeded in not passing out from the pain. Stars have been seen though. Other cute waitress behavior? Fainting. Or so I’m told.

Now I’m not really sure what to do. I don’t want to spend the $100 copay it costs to go to the emergency room just so they can tell me I’m a crazy person. I already know that.

Seriously though. How does one seriously injure themselves without noticing? I frequently have bruises that I can’t explain but I’ll usually have a vague memory of thinking “Ow, that’s going to leave a mark.” If it were actually a seriously injury like a break or sprain I should have noticed when I did it.

You’d think anyway.

Oh, also? There is no indication of injury except for the pain. No bruising, swelling, heat, or marks of any kind. My thumb looks perfectly normal.

It just hurts like a mother effer.

I have to work in the morning. Considering how much worse it felt as the day went on today that makes me nervous. I’m not calling off though. Not happening.

If I just ignore it what’s the worst that could happen? I mean, even if it is broken they can’t really put a cast on it right? They’ll just get me one of those sexy braces that I can buy myself at the drug store, right?

I’m so cheap broke. I also don’t want to call off work to go to the doctor and I definitely don’t want to waste money on a copay. Especially if nothing is seriously wrong.

Someone tell me it’s no big deal to just ignore this.

Thanks.

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