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Tag: flaws

Versions of Me

There is not just one Me.

There’s the one in my head.

The one I wish I were.

The one I am at home.

The one I am with my family.

The one I am when meeting new people.

The one I am with my friends.

The one I am with my dog.

The one I am at work.

The one I am in public.

All of them are similar but they are not the same. Sometimes it’s exhausting. I wish I could figure out the balance because I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions. A person can only be pulled so far before they break. It’s just science.

It’s mostly the pressure I put on myself that makes me feel this way. I must be confident. I must feel beautiful. I must be happy and smiley. I must be positive. I must. I must.

I’m tired.

Every once in awhile I’m tempted to withdraw. I consider myself a people person but sometimes I have an incredible urge to run away and hide from humanity forever. Or to start over somewhere that nobody knows me. I want to take everything I’ve learned and become this super human I envision.

The problem is that Me always follows. Every stupid version.

Some versions are better than others. Every version has flaws.

Except that one I wish I were. She’s perfect.

I’m not her.

Why do I do this?!

I procrastinate. And I freaking hate it. I leave for India tomorrow.

TOMORROW!

Guess how packed I am at 8pm the night before.

(not at all)

Guess how many blog posts I have ready.

(still have a bunch to write or get ready to post)

So yeah, I’m freaking out just a little.

I’ll get it all done. I always do. Will I get a decent night of sleep? That is very questionable.

So this post is a little phoned in. Sorry. I just have to concentrate on other things right now. Because I’m already tired and am hours away from being able to go to bed.

Ugh.

Happy

It’s funny how when I’m happy I feel the need to apologize for it. I am so freaking happy. And you know what? I’m not sorry about that.

Not even a little.

But still I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not on my blog anyway. Because that would be like bragging, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, it’s so different from how I was feeling a month ago. A month ago I was seriously starting to wonder if I needed help of the men in white coats sort.

Or at least the kind that comes with happy pills and couches.

It isn’t normal to feel such deep sadness that you cry for days.

For no reason at all.

It makes me feel almost dizzy just thinking about it. It was awful.

The scary thing is, I never figured out why I was so unhappy. All I know is that I’m happy now.

I have a feeling my happiness has a lot to do with the fact that I’m working again. As “nice” as it is to lounge around all day everyday chatting on Twitter and watching my shows I felt useless and lazy. I hate feeling lazy. I consider laziness my biggest flaw.

Now, almost every day I shower, get dressed, smile and interact with humans. My clothes are fitting better even though the number on the scale hasn’t gone down. When I do spend time lazing around the house it’s a treat. There’s still a little guilt but it’s justifiable.

There’s a small undercurrent of unease that follows me around. Like a dark trickle under the surface that threatens to burst at any moment and become the next gulf spill of sadness.

I don’t ever want to go back to the dark place I was in. I also don’t want my happiness to depend on work or other outside factors that I can’t really control. I want my happiness to come from inside of me. That’s a much more elusive kind of happiness.

The good news is, unless I think about really hard I can’t tell the difference between that kind of happy and the kind I am now. I’m content to take the kind of happiness I can get for now though.

Even if there’s a chance it could disappear, it sure is wonderful while it lasts.

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