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Tag: depression

I don’t know how to do this

I stopped posting because I felt lost on what to say.

I’m still lost.

Physically I feel fine other than the fact that I ate my feelings (they tasted like Nutella and nachos in case you were wondering) and am at my heaviest weight ever, in my life. Ugh. I’m trying to dig my way out of that though. I’ve been dancing a couple hours a week and thanks to The Biggest Loser becoming available on Netflix I’ve been inspired to start doing the 30 Day Shred with Joel. Joel of course dropped 10 pounds just by thinking about it. I on the other hand haven’t lost a pound and can’t really fit into any of my jeans still. Wee!

Luckily it’s been warm so I’ve been living in stretchy shorts and jersey dresses and I’m hoping the extra activity will show up on my waist line soon.

Emotionally I’m a lot more iffy. I expected to be experiencing less ups and downs since it’s not so fresh. Unfortunately that’s not the case. Surprisingly (to me anyway) I seem to be experiencing even more up and downs lately.

I posted a status the other day that said  that I feel like I’m buried in sad lately and every time I claw my way out and start to see light something new gets piled back on. It’s overwhelming.

I just wish I could talk about it. It’s not that I don’t have several people who are more than willing to listen. I have someone from a miscarriage organization that called me and I cannot make myself call her back. It’s been so long I feel guilty which makes it worse. I have many friends that have offered to listen if I want to talk. I just don’t know what to say. What is there to say?

It sucks. I hate that it happened. I’m sad. I’m scared of it happening again. I’m angry with my body.

That doesn’t take long to say. I’ve said it all before. What else is there to say?

So I don’t call anyone. And even if I did I have a tendency to act fine when people ask so I’m not sure it would help. Not that I’m trying to be fake, I just don’t know what to say other than, “Yep, it still sucks.”

So what do I do? Will I still heal if I can’t really talk about it? I want nothing more than to heal and have this make me stronger person. Is talking an essential part of healing? And if so, how do I talk about it? How?

I just don’t know how to do this.

Holding onto the happiness

Tonight was a beautiful night.

I missed four dance classes while I was in hiding so I am taking a jazz class right before my company class for the next four weeks to make up for it. That means two hours of dance in a row. After two weeks of doing almost nothing but lie around my muscles were nervous.

It was positively blissful.

I worked hard and sweated like crazy and my body is pretty sore already. The thing is, I laughed so much I’m not sure if my sore abs are from the dancing or the giggling. It was just that much fun. I’ve been taking lessons there since October and this whole ordeal made me realize that in that time I made friends. Not just other students who take classes with me, but friends.

Tonight I received more hugs and words of sympathy but in a way more importantly I had fun. I laughed. A lot. It felt so good.

I’m not over it. I’m starting to realize that getting over it is probably an unrealistic goal. From what I’ve been told no one really “gets over” a miscarriage. It’s a part of me forever whether I like it or not. That was such a depressing, overwhelming thought before.

Tonight I realized that even if I’m never over it I can still find myself again. I will laugh and have happiness. My future doesn’t have to be dark.

I’m holding onto that feeling. Happiness is worth holding onto.

Embracing the sad

There was a time I didn’t know how to cry. I noticed when I was 10. I was in a movie (part of a college student’s portfolio) and couldn’t muster up any of the tears that were necessary to play my part.

I faked it, but not well. Oscar worthy performance it was not.

But after that it became my mission to teach myself to cry.

Ironically it was around that time that my world turned upside down. My mom got sick and suddenly wasn’t around much anymore. That’s a story for a different time but my lack of emotion became really obvious. Things were happening that I should have cried over but I was like a rock. Just, nothing.

I couldn’t feel a thing.

I know now I was probably protecting myself. The thing was, I realized that while not feeling the pain was nice I also never really felt any good emotions either. I was blank. Empty.

Empty is so much worse than pain.

I can’t remember my exact journey away from numbness. I don’t think I ever had an epiphany that woke me up. But I did wake up. I taught myself to cry. Crying is a cleansing act. When your capacity for feeling reaches new lows it also reaches new highs. It’s impossible for it to go one way.

It’s been so long since I inadvertently learned that lesson that I’d kind of forgotten it. I’ve read several posts recently about being alone and finding a group, etc. They make me sad. I still have yet to find my “tribe.”

It’s something I want so badly and feeling sad about it all the time sucks.  Tonight I found myself sitting here wishing I could just shut that part of me off and not feel sad anymore. Just be numb.

But then it came rushing back to me. Numb isn’t all that great either. In fact, it probably sucks more.

So I’m embracing the sad. I accept that it’s part of who I am right now. I know, like everything this will pass. I will move on and grow and change and all that. I’ll look back on this lonely time and remember how much it sucked.

I’m guessing it’s like dating. When you want a relationship so fucking desperately it tends to elude. Relationships, at least good ones, seem to come to those who aren’t actively looking for one.

I have a feeling that once I embrace this feeling and become comfortable with my situation that’s when I’ll find my place. I will cry my cleansing tears and I will stop being ashamed of how I feel.

I’m lonely.

I’m sad.

I want a group of friends.

That is okay.

I will have a group someday.

And when I have that and I’m sitting around having coffee with friends and laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or reaching over to text my friend something neat that happened. Or being there to listen when my friend is hurting I will feel that too.

If the low of being lonely hurts this much then the high of finally finding my tribe is going to be pretty amazing.

Where are you Christmas?

This year I just haven’t been into Christmas. I started out excited but I could never get into it. Now it’s a week away and I’m just… completely neutral about it. Not excited, not dreading, just kind of numb to the whole thing.

Actually that could kind of describe my outlook on life right now. Meh.

It’s kind of a bummer way to feel. I can’t figure out why either.

I need some suggestions on how to snap out of this funk, if you can still call it a funk. Otherwise I’m going to end up in the nut house. I can’t keep this up forever.

In an attempt to rev my Christmas spirit I’m going to list what I’m excited about.

1. Seeing my sister Liz and nephew Hunter. They moved to California a year ago and I miss them x billion. I haven’t seen them since I visited them last January. (btw click that link and watch the video. It’s still makes me laugh out loud.) They arrive next Wednesday night and I cannot wait to see them.

2. Christmas eve dinner with my grandparents and extended family. Always a good time. My family is amazing.

3. The food. Gosh I love holiday meals. I literally just finished eating a second ago and the thought of having a holiday meal is making me drool all over this keyboard. Mmmm

4. Christmas morning at my mom and dad’s. Again with my family being amazing.

5. Christmas night with Joel’s family. It’s going to be a little different since so far we’ve always spent all day Christmas with my family. But I got really lucky with my in-laws and so it will be fun to see them.

6. Christmas movies. I’ve watched some but I’m looking forward to watching my favorites: A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Grinch, Home Alone, all the claymation specials etc. I’m sure those will put me in more of a Christmas mood.

I actually feel better already. This year it’s not about presents, it’s about spending time with the people I love the most. That should be enough to get anyone out of a funk.

Happy

It’s funny how when I’m happy I feel the need to apologize for it. I am so freaking happy. And you know what? I’m not sorry about that.

Not even a little.

But still I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not on my blog anyway. Because that would be like bragging, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, it’s so different from how I was feeling a month ago. A month ago I was seriously starting to wonder if I needed help of the men in white coats sort.

Or at least the kind that comes with happy pills and couches.

It isn’t normal to feel such deep sadness that you cry for days.

For no reason at all.

It makes me feel almost dizzy just thinking about it. It was awful.

The scary thing is, I never figured out why I was so unhappy. All I know is that I’m happy now.

I have a feeling my happiness has a lot to do with the fact that I’m working again. As “nice” as it is to lounge around all day everyday chatting on Twitter and watching my shows I felt useless and lazy. I hate feeling lazy. I consider laziness my biggest flaw.

Now, almost every day I shower, get dressed, smile and interact with humans. My clothes are fitting better even though the number on the scale hasn’t gone down. When I do spend time lazing around the house it’s a treat. There’s still a little guilt but it’s justifiable.

There’s a small undercurrent of unease that follows me around. Like a dark trickle under the surface that threatens to burst at any moment and become the next gulf spill of sadness.

I don’t ever want to go back to the dark place I was in. I also don’t want my happiness to depend on work or other outside factors that I can’t really control. I want my happiness to come from inside of me. That’s a much more elusive kind of happiness.

The good news is, unless I think about really hard I can’t tell the difference between that kind of happy and the kind I am now. I’m content to take the kind of happiness I can get for now though.

Even if there’s a chance it could disappear, it sure is wonderful while it lasts.

Moods

The past several days I’ve been in what is best described as a funk. Moody, irritable, snapping at Joel or Phoebe over the littlest thing, bawling my eyes out for no reason whatsoever… Very unlike me. My life? Is really good. I have no reason to be feeling so down.

Tonight Joel, knowing how sad I’ve been all day, did his best to cheer me up. He brought home stuff for taco salad, watermellon and surprised me with one of my favorite movies, The Great Mouse Detective. After I ate dinner and 3/4ths of the the watermellon (not kidding) we snuggled and he teased me and tickled me until I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breath.

I don’t know that it fixed everything. I do know I’m fighting to be in a better mood though. I have so much to be grateful for. I’m trying to focus on all the amazing blessings I have in my life. It may not always be 100% effective at pulling me out of this funk but I’m not just going to lie back and let these feelings drown me.

However, when I can’t quite do it on my own, I’m so lucky to have an amazing husband who knows how to make me smile. And sometimes even laugh until my stomach hurts.

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