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Tag: crying

Weekly Wesley: Ten

Week10

This week Wesley is obviously going through a big growth/development spurt because it was equally parts hard and awesome.

There is way more of this than I liked.

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Well, let’s be honest, who likes any of that?

Still, there was way more of this…

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and this

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and this

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than the screaming so I can’t complain too much.

This week he made a huge leap in his neck strength. It seemed like overnight he went from fighting the weight of his head to holding is head up for ages like it was nothing.

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Part of what helped the neck strength I think was that I finally tried the Moby wrap for the first time. We looooove it.

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I was so intimidated by it and now I can’t figure out why. It’s really not that difficult to put on and it’s really comfortable.

With the Moby we’ve been going on walks every night this week.

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It’s a great time to talk without the distraction of electronics and it’s got the bonus of being exercise.

evening-walks

Wesley always seems to really love being outside.

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he’s fascinated by all the sights and sounds.

Other milestones:

  • Someone asked me to cover myself for the first time while I was nursing in public. We were at an event for a friend of the family and a grandma type lady wanted a picture of the group of us so she said, “Cover yourself, I don’t want anyone to think I’m doing pornography or something.” I sort of adjusted the fabric of my wrap slightly but I did not throw a cover over my baby. I mean, this is how much you could see:
nursing

So basically an inch or so of skin… I really don’t think she meant to be rude or ridiculous. She’s just old fashioned.

  • Wesley finally discovered the mobile on the mamaRoo. It really shows how much more aware he’s becoming of his surroundings.

mamaroo

  • Wesley’s starting baby gymnastics… while he nurses. It cracks me up how wiggly he can be or what awkward poses he twists himself into sometimes.

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I can’t say I’m sad this week is over. I’ve been more exhausted and frazzled than maybe any other week. Thankfully as soon as I’m ready to just lose it either Joel steps in and gives me a break or Wesley turns it around and flashes one of his dimply grins at me. It’s impossible to stay in a bad mood when I get one of his smiles or coos.

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Impossible.

Happy

It’s funny how when I’m happy I feel the need to apologize for it. I am so freaking happy. And you know what? I’m not sorry about that.

Not even a little.

But still I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not on my blog anyway. Because that would be like bragging, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, it’s so different from how I was feeling a month ago. A month ago I was seriously starting to wonder if I needed help of the men in white coats sort.

Or at least the kind that comes with happy pills and couches.

It isn’t normal to feel such deep sadness that you cry for days.

For no reason at all.

It makes me feel almost dizzy just thinking about it. It was awful.

The scary thing is, I never figured out why I was so unhappy. All I know is that I’m happy now.

I have a feeling my happiness has a lot to do with the fact that I’m working again. As “nice” as it is to lounge around all day everyday chatting on Twitter and watching my shows I felt useless and lazy. I hate feeling lazy. I consider laziness my biggest flaw.

Now, almost every day I shower, get dressed, smile and interact with humans. My clothes are fitting better even though the number on the scale hasn’t gone down. When I do spend time lazing around the house it’s a treat. There’s still a little guilt but it’s justifiable.

There’s a small undercurrent of unease that follows me around. Like a dark trickle under the surface that threatens to burst at any moment and become the next gulf spill of sadness.

I don’t ever want to go back to the dark place I was in. I also don’t want my happiness to depend on work or other outside factors that I can’t really control. I want my happiness to come from inside of me. That’s a much more elusive kind of happiness.

The good news is, unless I think about really hard I can’t tell the difference between that kind of happy and the kind I am now. I’m content to take the kind of happiness I can get for now though.

Even if there’s a chance it could disappear, it sure is wonderful while it lasts.

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