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The day he was born

Today Wesley turns one. Wow.

I wrote a rough version of his birth story almost immediately after he was born. I kept waiting to clean it or shorten it or something before publishing it. But it’s been a year. So I’m going to share it, long, unpolished and kind of graphic though it is. This is the day I became a mother. This is the day my son was born. It was an amazing day.

Saturday, March 30th, started with me just as frustrated with being pregnant as ever. Still no sign of labor in sight and I was uncomfortable, impatient and generally pissed off. The weather had improved finally so we decided to take a walk around Brookfield Zoo. The nice weather improved my mood immensely. About halfway through the hour and a half or so we were there I went to the restroom and noticed some light pink spotting. I’ve never been so happy to see blood on toilet paper in my life! I tried not to get my hopes up though because there had been other labor “signs” so many times and they never amounted to anything. Plus, I hadn’t felt one contraction all day.

We ended our little date day with dinner at a local Mexican place. It was tasty and there I felt my first “different” contraction. It kind of actually hurt a little and it was much lower. I still blew it off since I was really convinced this kid was never ever going to come out.

We went home, watched some Netflix and around 9pm the contractions started coming every 10-20 minutes. They were definitely uncomfortable. Instead of tightening around the top of my belly like all my other contractions had been before that day I felt it directly in my cervix. It kind of felt like each contraction was prying it open (which I guess it was). At this point I got a little excited but still felt pretty certain I would go to bed and wake up pregnant.

We tried to go to sleep at this point to see if they would stop but they just kept getting more regular and more painful. Lying down during a contraction was torture so I ended up jumping out of bed and pacing through each one. I did not get any sleep but I think Joel dozed between a few of them. At this point I was totally in don’t touch me mode. Joel’s job was timing them but I wouldn’t let him rub my back or anything else.

At this point they were about 5-7 minutes apart and about a minute long. I had started to think this was really it so we took a shower to be sure. Warm water always stopped my contractions before but this time they kept going right through the shower.

It was about 1am and had finally been an hour of Joel’s app was telling us they were averaging 5 1/2 minutes apart. Since my mom and sisters live two hours away we texted them to let them know.

My sisters and mom got to the house around 3am. My contractions were about 4-5 mins apart and I was shaking even though I wasn’t actually cold. Looking back I’m fairly sure it was just nerves and excitement. I could still kind of talk through the contractions but I was way more comfortable closing my eyes and just breathing through them. We called the midwife and let her know what was going on. She thought it was a good idea for us to go into the hospital.

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I wanted one last belly picture so I put a tiny bit of make up on so we could take one and then hit publish on the “going to the hospital” blog posts that had been sitting in our drafts folders for forever. I had a couple contractions during this time and by the time I was ready to take the picture Joel was kind of stressing out. He just wanted to go. Everyone else just kind of chuckled at me about it. I did have the thought that my Bradley instructor would probably say I wasn’t ready to go to the hospital since I was putting on make up and smiling for a picture. All I could think about was the jacuzzi tub that was waiting for me at the hospital though. Plus my mom was worried the shaking might mean I was going into transition already. (Spoiler alert, I wasn’t. Not even close.)

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We got to the hospital at around 4am. The car ride was very unpleasant but my mom rode in the back and petted my head during them so I managed okay.

The nurse checked me and I was nearly 4cm so they admitted me. Of course I had been 3cm since they checked me a week and a half ago so I wasn’t very encouraged by that. I had to lie in the bed for about 30 minutes so they could get a baseline on my contractions and his heart rate. Awful. Worst pain ever. And then my blood pressure was high so I had to lie down for even longer until they could get it down somehow. I’m sure the extra pain from lying down in bed did not help my contractions any. My sister gave me her sleep mask and I tried to just zone through the contractions. This became a theme throughout my whole labor, I just wanted my eyes closed the whole time. Partially so I could focus and partially because I was so. freaking. tired.

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The nurse could tell how miserable being in bed made me so she had me lie on my side to see if that would get my blood pressure down to an acceptable level. I also got up to use the restroom because dealing with a contraction while fighting the urge to pee is not even a little fun. They had someone come in and draw blood to check for preeclampsia (those labs came back fine). Thankfully the side lying “cheat” plus emptying my bladder worked and I got a couple decent readings on my blood pressure. The nurse made sure to let me know it was kind of a cheat doing it that way but she was really trying to get me out of the bed and in the tub so I could be more comfortable. Bless that woman.

The minute she told me I could get up I shot out of that devil bed. They filled the tub while I paced around the room and changed into the bikini top I bought specifically for the birth. Yes, I bought just a bikini top for the occasion. Doesn’t everybody do that? I got into that giant jacuzzi tub and was in heaven. It felt so freaking good. I was a little worried that it was too early to get in the tub since I was only 4cm and that my contractions would space out but they actually got closer together when I was in there. When a contraction would hit I would sway my hips in the water and it really helped me manage things.

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Joel tried to put some music on at this point but the jets were so loud that it really just sounded like noise and it started to bug me. I had him turn it off “for now” but we never ended up turning it back on again. I guess I’m just not a music person when I’m in pain.

After awhile in the tub I was really getting tired. I’m not sure how long I was in the tub but I know the sun rose and then some while my contractions got harder and closer together in there. I was just a little too short for the tub. I had to really hold myself up by pointing my toes against the far end of the tub and I could never fully relax between contractions. Eventually my legs started cramping up so I decided to get out of the tub.

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I paced around for awhile and did the labor dance with Joel for contractions. By this point I was so sleepy I was having a hard time. I just wanted to lie down and sleep but I couldn’t handle the pain of the contractions lying down. I ended up sitting on the exercise ball next to the bed with pillows propped up underneath my head so I could doze between contractions. I still had to stand up for each contraction but it wasn’t too bad to just stand up from the ball and lean over the bed for each one.

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In this time I really slept between contractions. I know at one point they were getting so intense I had a hard time distinguishing reality from the semi dream state I went into between contractions. For a little while I was so tired and in pain I almost felt like I was drugged or was hallucinating. I asked Joel if I said anything strange and he couldn’t remember specifically but he said I did say a few things that made everyone kind of look at each other and say huh? According to him it was nothing embarrassing though. So win?

One of the weirdest things about me in labor was that I was so freaking polite. I apologized for bleeding on things, said please and thank you for water sips all the time. I’d finish a contraction and ask other people if they were okay. I did not expect that about myself. Extreme pain and exhaustion makes me nice. Who’d a thought?

Things on the ball got really intense. I wanted to get back in the tub but I couldn’t stand the thought of lying down so I opted to try being in the shower for awhile. Joel held the shower head on my lower back and that felt so good. I did look down and notice he was still wearing his street shoes. In the shower. I came out of a contraction, realized he was fully clothed in the shower, kicked him out and let my mom take over since she was barefoot.

After awhile I was too tired to stand in the shower between contractions anymore so I went back to the ball. The contractions started coming almost every minute and a half to two minutes. A couple times while I was on the ball my midwife came in and asked if I wanted to be checked but I turned her down. I wasn’t feeling any urge to push so I knew I wasn’t at 10 and if she told me I hadn’t progressed much I would lose it. She was so amazing and was fine with it. She made sure to tell me there was no rush and I was doing a great job.

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My midwife wasn’t there the entire time but she did come in and out of the room a lot and stayed to talk me through contractions for long stretches of time. We got a really great routine going with my mom, Joel and my midwife. Joel would time the contractions which is something we learned in Bradley. Since my contractions were consistently about a minute long he would tell me when I was halfway done and then when there was only 10 seconds or so left. I honestly think that helped me mentally get through the contractions more than anything else. I just kept repeating to myself that I could do anything for one minute.

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My mom would run her fingers on my hips and stomach. She tried rubbing my back a few times but that never felt good. The lights running of her fingers on me though helped me to focus my energy on exactly where I needed to relax. Then my midwife would talk me through the relaxation out loud. She is super sweet and soft spoken which turned out to be exactly what I needed at the time. Between the three of them I was able to really allow myself to give into the contractions and relax the baby down.

I finally allowed the midwife to check me. I thought sitting on the bed would be torture but it was surprisingly less intense. This may be because I was actually standing up from the ball as a contraction would hit and that hurt. Plus, I was doing a semi squat position next to the bed and I think that really was moving him down. I about cried from happiness when she told me I was at 7-8cm, fully effaced and baby was at -2. Up to that point my water had sprung a leak but hadn’t fully broken so she broke my water bag all the way and saw there was slight meconium.

Mentally I was in a pretty bad place at this point. I could only focus on how ridiculously tired I was. I just wanted to take a nap. Plus I was suddenly terrified of actually pushing. As well as I was dealing with the contractions, the unknown of the pain of pushing was suddenly overwhelming to me. I told my mom how scared I was. I didn’t want to push. This baby had taken so long to get here. Between my loss a year earlier and him being overdue he just didn’t feel real to me. She encouraged me but I know I was still holding back the process mentally. Somehow my body knew I wasn’t in a good place mentally to start pushing and my contractions actually spaced out quite a bit. Apparently augmenting my labor was mentioned at this point because I had “stalled.” My support team was great though and I never heard a word of that until months later. I was able to sleep for the 15-20 minutes between several contractions. I’m amazed that my body seemed to know exactly what I needed. I was in a much better mental place after a got a few of those naps and my labor picked right back up on its own.

They eventually talked me into getting up on my hands and knees on the bed and the contractions picked back up frequency and intensity. I started feeling kind of pushy and would sometimes grunt/involuntarily push about halfway through a contraction. The nurse checked me but said I still had a cervical lip so I couldn’t push. It was really hard to relax through the contractions but also fight the urge to push. Often as not I would end up pushing a bit towards the end no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

At this point I was like oh my god what have I done? Why am I not numb from my eyeballs down? I asked if it was too late for an epidural knowing full well it was. At least I waited until it was too late to get it before I mentioned it, right?

My midwife came in and had me push a little to see if I could get him over the cervical lip. After a couple pushes she checked me again and the lip was still there so she had me change to sitting up with my knees up to see if the lip was positional.

It was positional and after not too long I got his head over the lip and started the pushing phase for real. I was still really nervous to push but my body started taking over at the end of each push and I was getting some effective movement. I asked if I’d have to be pushing for long and they kind of chuckled. Someone said if they could know things like that they could win the lottery.

I pushed for what felt like forever. In reality the whole phase was only about 40 minutes. Still, time kind of disappears in those moments. Between pushes I could actually feel his head moving around in the birth canal. Weirdest feeling ever. Finally they told me they could see his head. They told me I could touch it and at first I didn’t want to. Don’t ask me why I didn’t want to, I wasn’t exactly rational in the moment. They did convince me to though and I’m really glad, I think I would have been bummed if I hadn’t touched it. It felt like jello, it was so weird. Joel impressed me and kept watching things happen instead of staying up by my head like he thought he would want. He even touched the head. I guess the Bradley Method classes plus all those YouTube videos I forced him to watch paid off.

I was fighting the pushing a little because of the burn. It kind of felt like my girly bits were going to rip in half. Good times. Luckily my body is smarter than my brain and kept taking over at the end and I couldn’t help but push effectively.

His head was partially out for several pushes. My midwife actually had to have me reposition my legs because he kept crowning when I pushed and then going back in. I reached down for a second time to feel his head sitting partially out and it was really encouraging.

At the very end it burned so badly and I could actually feel myself tearing as he was coming out. Part of me wanted to hold back still but then, in the last three pushes that got his head out, I wanted him out more than I cared how much it burned. I just wanted to be done.

His head came out and she told me not to push and she suctioned him. That was rough because I just wanted it done. Plus my body really wanted to keep pushing. My mom talked me through it though. Finally the next contraction came and I pushed him out. I vividly remember my midwife saying, “One shoulder, the other shoulder” and then sweet relief because he was out.

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She immediately put him on my stomach and I stared at his beautiful face. The adrenaline rush was unbelievable. He was kind of purple and it felt like ages for him to finally cry. In reality it was only a few seconds but the minute he let out his first yell I realized I’d been holding my breath waiting for him to take his first one. I didn’t cry right then, I was too overwhelmed with happiness. I said, “Hi baby” a million times and then “I did it! I love you so much.” As soon as he was on my stomach I felt no pain. It was the most amazing thing in the world to see his face and know he came from me.

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I looked over at Joel and he was crying. I could see a tear running down his nose. I looked at him and said something about how we did it and we have a son. It was so magical. I’ve never been so happy in my life. That moment is forever etched into my mind. The exhaustion and the pain were instantly gone. All I felt was overwhelming love and a sense of accomplishment.

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His cord was kind of short so the midwife had to keep telling me not to tug on it. I’m sure it’s my fault that my baby has an outie belly button. I just wanted to kiss him a million times and soak in his smell.

Once it stopped pulsing Joel cut the cord and I got to hold him for awhile longer. Wesley kept coughing and sputtering though so they took him away to suction him out in case he inhaled meconium. They did weight and footprints and all that at that point too.

Joel followed him over there while I got stitched up. I had a second degree tear that needed a few stitches. I also delivered the placenta. The midwife asked if I was saving it and I said no but I did want to see it. I’m a weirdo but I wanted to see the thing that made me miserable for 9 months. She was very cool about it and showed it to me and explained what I was looking at.

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I finally got Wesley back and he nursed for 20 minutes on one side and 30 on the other. It was another magical moment. He was a complete natural. The moment he latched on was when I finally teared up.

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It was like a dream how wonderful that first breastfeeding experience was. I expected it to be painful but it wasn’t at all, it was practically pleasurable.

The hospital stay was marvelous. All the nurses were so kind and supportive. Someone came in and gave me a post-natal massage. A photographer came in and took gorgeous pictures of Wesley when he was less than 24 hours old. The food wasn’t even too bad. They made a fantastic apple pie which I may or may not have ordered with every lunch and dinner meal. Ahem. They took Wesley to the nursery a few times and Joel went with him every time. It honestly felt more like a stay at the spa than a hospital. It was the perfect wrap up to a wonderful birth.

I’m so pleased with every aspect of my birth. I had the perfect support team. Even my midwife mentioned how it was so beautiful to see my support team made up of the women in my life who had given birth before me leading me into motherhood. It was so special that my mom and two of my sisters could be there. They were great support and they took the most amazing pictures and video. Of the four care providers in the practice the midwife who attended my birth was the one we saw the least during the pregnancy. She ended being exactly what I needed though.

And then of course there was Joel. His support was absolutely essential. I never let him leave my side. Poor guy only got to pee once and didn’t get to eat anything the whole time because every time he tried to sneak away to take care of himself I called him back. I needed him and he was amazing. He never breathed a word of complaint. In fact, I didn’t even realize he didn’t get to eat or sit down or anything. He was nothing but positive, supportive and encouraging.

It was the birth of my dreams. Everything just went so well. Even better though was I got this wonderful tiny person out of it. He is better than I ever dreamed.

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—-

And now it’s a year later. Motherhood has been everything and nothing that I expected. I wouldn’t trade this kid for anything in the whole world… most days. I know it’s cliche but I really can’t believe how fast it went. I’m so glad I get to be home and watch this little human grow up.  He is the best. As long as he is in my future things look very bright indeed.

I half assed BlogHer 2013

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When they announced that BlogHer 2013 was going to be in Chicago I knew I had to go. I’d managed to talk myself out of it every other year but the fact that all I had to pay for was the (early bird priced) pass, not even the hotel, took away all my excuses. At the last minute Joel decided to get an expo only pass so he could join me, check out some of the brands, and help me with Wesley. I’m so glad he did.

I prepared for BlogHer by… oh wait, nope, no I didn’t prepare at all. I’ve read about people buying all new wardrobes and meticulously planning every outfit and accessory. Uh… yeah… I not only don’t have the money or time (hello, new mom here) but I’ve never been very good at fashion trends. So I just wore stuff I already had in my closet and meant to repaint my toenails buuuut didn’t even get to that. Did I mention I’m a new mom?

Oh wait, I lied. I did order business cards. A week in advance and had to pay for rush shipping because I totally spaced, but they got ordered and arrived before the conference. Winning.

Joel and I both went to the opening of the expo hall and had a chill evening there wandering around and checking out the booths.

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The next day was decidedly not chill. Our first mistake was sticking around the expo hall way too late. Wesley did sleep a good amount of the time but Joel and I only got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. Then we had to wake our sleeping baby.

Never do that.

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We managed to get out the door on time and actually got to the conference early!

Only to find that Wesley had had a massive blow out poop all over the adorable outfit I dressed him in.

Don’t worry, there’s no picture to go with this part of the story. You’re welcome.

Anyway, that ate up all the “early” we had and then some so I showed up to the newbie breakfast late and even then only got to shove food in my mouth really quickly before Wesley needed me to walk him around. He was okay-ish for most of the morning but only if I was pacing with him. Thankfully I have my Maya Wrap so it was hands free feeding.

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Unfortunately Wesley’s restlessness and fighting sleep made it pretty impossible for me to network and left me feeling kind of frazzled.

Must. not. let. him. cry.

Anyway, he finally gave in and napped and I got to have some much needed caffeine and sitting down time.

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Throughout the whole day Joel’s help was invaluable.

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He held Wesley as much as Wesley would let him so I got to eat a little and listen to at least part of some sessions without bouncing and pacing.

It was a long day and then, as I was on my way to hear the Voices of the Year keynote, I realized my wallet was missing. We dug the car apart and nothing. So we drove all the way home and dug through the swag bags and found it. Stupid swag.

Wesley was not impressed by our early morning and late night and our night ended looking like this.

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Saddest. baby. ever.

We fell into bed as fast as possible and decided not to force ourselves out of bed the next morning. When you wake a sleeping baby once you don’t make that mistake again if you can help it.

The last day was much, much better. I finally got to meet a few of my favorite online people and sat at the silliest lunch table ever.

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There was a for real spit take, complete with Diet Pepsi out the nose from one person at the table. It was that good.

We also ended the night a lot earlier and things didn’t end in complete meltdown like the previous night.

Overall I’d say I’m glad I went, if only because I would have regretted not going. I do kind of feel like I did BlogHer “wrong.” The sessions were okay but I was distracted during them and only got to sit down through one full one. I also didn’t get nearly the full conference experience by not staying at the hotel and not being able to attend any of the official parties. Plus the fact that I was constantly on edge trying to make sure my baby wasn’t fussing and bothering everyone made it so I wasn’t able to fully engage or have many real conversations with new friends.

I will say that my being on edge was my own thing. Everyone was so friendly about Wesley and I never for a second felt uncomfortable breastfeeding him. I even got a few “you go girls” about it. I really appreciated the encouragement for sure. Still, I wanted to make sure he stayed quiet and didn’t disrupt anyone’s experience.

Next year Wesley will be old enough to be left home with Joel. If I decide to go again that’s the only way I’ll do it. I got a little taste of BlogHer this year but if I ever go again I won’t half ass it. Except for the planning out my entire new wardrobe part because seriously? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Weekly Wesley: Fifteen

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We got good news this week. We had another appointment with the pediatrician and Wesley gained 9 ounces in two weeks. It’s just slightly under the expected 1 ounce per day but it’s not so little that they’re concerned. He’s just a tiny, healthy peanut. Yay!

Other than that this week was pretty relaxed. We went over to my brother’s house at the end of the week and had a cookout.

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We watched my nephews and my grandma in the lake but decided Wesley is a bit too young to participate in the swimming himself.

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We had a nice time visiting with everyone and relaxing though.

We needed the relaxation after the car ride over there. Poor guy has decided that he hates the car and sometimes me singing to him works. But other times the only way he’ll stop screaming his ever loving brains out is if we stop the car completely and he has a calming nursing session.

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I love the nursing but it’s pretty frustrating that it takes two to three times as long to get anywhere lately.

In other news, toes are still extremely fascinating.

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As are books all of the sudden.

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You think he’s trying to tell me something?

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I don’t take too many pictures. Hush.

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This is how Joel calms Wesley down when I’m away. I think his favorite person might be mirror baby.

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And last photo, just because his smile is the best in the whole world.

Weekly Wesley: Ten

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This week Wesley is obviously going through a big growth/development spurt because it was equally parts hard and awesome.

There is way more of this than I liked.

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Well, let’s be honest, who likes any of that?

Still, there was way more of this…

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and this

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and this

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than the screaming so I can’t complain too much.

This week he made a huge leap in his neck strength. It seemed like overnight he went from fighting the weight of his head to holding is head up for ages like it was nothing.

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Part of what helped the neck strength I think was that I finally tried the Moby wrap for the first time. We looooove it.

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I was so intimidated by it and now I can’t figure out why. It’s really not that difficult to put on and it’s really comfortable.

With the Moby we’ve been going on walks every night this week.

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It’s a great time to talk without the distraction of electronics and it’s got the bonus of being exercise.

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Wesley always seems to really love being outside.

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he’s fascinated by all the sights and sounds.

Other milestones:

  • Someone asked me to cover myself for the first time while I was nursing in public. We were at an event for a friend of the family and a grandma type lady wanted a picture of the group of us so she said, “Cover yourself, I don’t want anyone to think I’m doing pornography or something.” I sort of adjusted the fabric of my wrap slightly but I did not throw a cover over my baby. I mean, this is how much you could see:
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So basically an inch or so of skin… I really don’t think she meant to be rude or ridiculous. She’s just old fashioned.

  • Wesley finally discovered the mobile on the mamaRoo. It really shows how much more aware he’s becoming of his surroundings.

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  • Wesley’s starting baby gymnastics… while he nurses. It cracks me up how wiggly he can be or what awkward poses he twists himself into sometimes.

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I can’t say I’m sad this week is over. I’ve been more exhausted and frazzled than maybe any other week. Thankfully as soon as I’m ready to just lose it either Joel steps in and gives me a break or Wesley turns it around and flashes one of his dimply grins at me. It’s impossible to stay in a bad mood when I get one of his smiles or coos.

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Impossible.

Weekly Wesley: Nine

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This guy gets more and more personality each week.

This week we hit the big milestone of 2 months old. The official 2 month photo and stats are here but I thought I’d add some of the outtakes in this post.

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Phoebe is getting a little more nervous of his grabby hands. I’m wondering how many more months I’ll be able to bribe her to sit next to him… and how many more he’ll be undistracted by her.

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The faces I make to get this face….

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Sometimes get a face more like this. Obviously he thinks his mom is crazy already. (He’s right)

With turning two months came a check up. Wesley is a happy healthy boy. There was one awkward moment that I have to share. Wesley is really fair skinned. Not surprising considering his parents. Anyway, while the pediatrician was examining him he was checking his diaper area. He pointed out there was a little redness down there. He said it’s not a rash, it’s just because his skin is thin so it gets red easily because of moisture.

Pediatrician- “Same thing happens to me sometimes.”

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I’m sure he didn’t mean to immediately give me a mental image of his junk… but yeah. Awkward.

Also with the two month check up came shots. I’m positive they were harder on me than they were on him. It was especially hard because he was in a good mood and was smiling and cooing at me right up to the moment the needle went in.

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The look of shock and pain on his face when that first needle went in will be forever etched in my memory. Horrifying.

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I cried. Yup, I was that mom. It was awful.

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Thankfully it only took a minute of nursing before he forgot all about it. Magic boobies, ftw!

He ran a bit of a temp for a little bit of the day and was extra cuddly but by the evening he was back to his old self and had obviously forgiven me for those mean old shots.

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Mommy really does love you, little man.

Other milestones:

  • I took Wesley out to lunch with friends without Joel. We only have one car so we have to specifically plan for me to have the car if I want to go places while Joel is at work. Wesley was great, he slept the whole time and I had a nice lunch visiting with a couple friends.

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  • Wesley’s baby acne has officially cleared up. I’m not positive that happened this week actually but this week someone pointed out that it was gone and I realized they were right. Yay for perfect soft baby skin.
  • Wesley has started smiling at me while nursing. One of my first memories is looking up at my mom while nursing and smiling at her. It melts my heart to see my son do the same to me.

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  • Wesley is actually learning to enjoy tummy time. Or at least tolerate it. He still cries sometimes but it’s not the entire time anymore.

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  • Baby’s first tank top. Gah!

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And just for funsies, one last picture of the look I get sometimes when I’m being extra silly.

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Uh mom… you’re a weirdo.

The sweetness of now

Dear Son,

I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings when I tell you I was dreading the newborn phase. I heard so many just-you-waits and horror stories of colic and sleepless nights. I was kind of terrified.

I never did well without sleep. Frankly I became quite the bitch without a full 8+ hours. Plus the dirty diapers and the cracked and bleeding nipples and the hormones… I always thought of newborns as cute, I just liked being able to hand them back off to their parents after a few minutes. Being responsible for one 24/7? Yikes.

I always joked that I just wanted to adopt a kindergartener, because that’s when kids really become interesting.

Then there was you.

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Your birth was beautiful. It was everything I hoped and dreamed it would be. I didn’t love pregnancy but I would give birth a hundred times if every one was like yours. When they put you on my stomach I couldn’t believe you were real. You were perfect.

You took to nursing like it was the most natural thing in the whole world. I couldn’t believe how much I loved breastfeeding. It didn’t hurt like I expected. It was complete bliss right from the beginning. You wanted to nurse almost round the clock.

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You also want to be held round the clock. Every once in awhile you’ll be happy to be set down for 20 or 30 minutes and even that is a fairly new development. If I want to be sure you’ll stay asleep and content I have to hold you.

At first this was overwhelming and frustrating to me. People say to sleep when the baby sleeps. Well it’s difficult to do that when the baby doesn’t want to be put down. Ever. Also, I watch the mess pile up around me. I call the futon my nest. I have pillows and snacks and a phone charger surrounding me on it. Most days I don’t leave my nest except to go to the bathroom, change your diaper and grab more food and water.

cuddles7

I found myself wishing you’d let me put you down.

And then I realized, this isn’t forever. Already there was that one time you slept in the mamaRoo for an hour. You won’t always need to be pressed up against me to stay asleep.

cuddles1

Right now you need me. Completely. That is wonderful and terrible at the same time. I am your only source of food and often your only source of comfort. I have had moments of wishing that away.

But no more. You need me all you want, little man. There is nothing in the world that is more important than me being there for you right now.

cuddles4

I look at your sweet face and it’s already changed so much in the six weeks you’ve been alive. You already are awake and alert more and more every day. Before I know it you’ll be too busy exploring your world to be bothered with cuddles. Before I know it your head will have more than just wispy fuzz. Before I know it you’ll lose that sweet milky breath. Before I know it you’ll chunk out and become more than just an armful of sweet squish.

Before I know it you’ll be that kindergartener I was wishing for.

Only the thing is, when I was dreading having a newborn, when I was bracing myself to just get through these days until I got to the “better” years, when I was thinking how I “can’t wait” for ____ milestone I didn’t realize I’d end up with a sweet newborn like you.

cuddles6

Wesley, you are better than I ever dreamed you’d be. I was foolish to want to skip any of this. You take your time growing up. I know there will be times when things are hard, there already have been. But these moments of neediness? These all day cuddles? These I won’t wish away. They can find me buried under a pile of granola bar wrappers for all I care.

cuddles2

Because everything else besides you can wait. Thank you for making me a mommy.

Weekly Wesley: Six

Six-Weeks-Old

The best thing about this week was Mother’s Day. I’ll write more about it in detail later but it was a beautiful day.

image(7)

So happy that this little boy made me a mommy.

The rest of the week was pretty laid back so I’m just going to post my favorite pictures I took this week. Wesley’s more interesting than my ramblings anyway right?

swaddle-stretch

This little guy is kind of a master at escaping swaddles. The special swaddling blankets kind of help but more often than not I wake up to something like this.

sleepy-grin

This is his milk drunk face. Sleepy, happy goodness.

image(5)

I’m not positive about what was so funny but I think Wesley was pooping. Loudly. Wesley was clearly not as amused as we were.

sleep-in-daddys-arms

Sweet baby boy sleeping in his daddy’s arms.

saturday-smiles-with-daddy

Joel misses Wesley’s best time which is late morning. That is when he is all smiles and coos. Joel makes up for it on the weekends. Bonus for me? I get to doze extra while they bond. Everyone wins.

image(6)

Sweet tiny baby hands while nursing.

image(8)

Wesley has learned to love bath time, although you can’t exactly tell by the way he’s looking at me in this picture. He was enjoying himself though, trust me.

Other milestones:

  • I got my first smile while nursing. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that I was Wesley’s only source of food and often comfort. Then the next day he looks up at me while nursing and gives me the biggest grin. Worth it.
  • We forgot the diaper bag on an outing for the first time. Since the store we were at sold diapers and even baby clothes we decided to risk it. He ended up sleeping through the whole trip so we didn’t have to buy emergency supplies. So it was a parent fail but we turned it into a win. We’re just talented like that.

Weekly Wesley: Six

Six-Weeks-Old

The best thing about this week was Mother’s Day. I’ll write more about it in detail later but it was a beautiful day.

image(7)

So happy that this little boy made me a mommy.

The rest of the week was pretty laid back so I’m just going to post my favorite pictures I took this week. Wesley’s more interesting than my ramblings anyway right?

swaddle-stretch

This little guy is kind of a master at escaping swaddles. The special swaddling blankets kind of help but more often than not I wake up to something like this.

sleepy-grin

This is his milk drunk face. Sleepy, happy goodness.

image(5)

I’m not positive about what was so funny but I think Wesley was pooping. Loudly. Wesley was clearly not as amused as we were.

sleep-in-daddys-arms

Sweet baby boy sleeping in his daddy’s arms.

saturday-smiles-with-daddy

Joel misses Wesley’s best time which is late morning. That is when he is all smiles and coos. Joel makes up for it on the weekends. Bonus for me? I get to doze extra while they bond. Everyone wins.

image(6)

Sweet tiny baby hands while nursing.

image(8)

Wesley has learned to love bath time, although you can’t exactly tell by the way he’s looking at me in this picture. He was enjoying himself though, trust me.

Other milestones:

  • I got my first smile while nursing. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that I was Wesley’s only source of food and often comfort. Then the next day he looks up at me while nursing and gives me the biggest grin. Worth it.
  • We forgot the diaper bag on an outing for the first time. Since the store we were at sold diapers and even baby clothes we decided to risk it. He ended up sleeping through the whole trip so we didn’t have to buy emergency supplies. So it was a parent fail but we turned it into a win. We’re just talented like that.

Weekly Wesley: Five

Week5edit

This week I began to feel like we’re really settling into a routine… which of course means the last couple of nights Wesley has had bad nights of sleep. I think the issue is he hates having a wet diaper and he wets his diaper every couple of hours. So he’s hydrated but wakes way more often. Or he’s just going through a growth spurt. He still usually does one four hour stretch at least.

9-lbs

While the more frequent waking is a little frustrating I’m just glad he’s eating well and gaining weight. He looks like such a peanut I was worried he wasn’t gaining well. He had his one month check up this week though and he weighed in at nine pounds exactly! The pediatrician seemed really pleased with his weight gain so I’m going to try to stop worrying about it. I just have a tiny baby. I still kind of hope he chunks out eventually but as long as he’s healthy that’s what’s important.

holding-head-up

He’s quite strong and is able to hold his head up longer and longer. He still hates tummy time on the floor but he tolerates it better on our chests. We still do tummy time once a day on the floor so he hopefully gets more used to it soon.

balding-baby

His baby acne has improved a lot. If he gets really warm it shows back up but for the most part it’s gone. It has been replaced with some killer baby pattern baldness. He looks like a tiny little old man with a receding hairline and it cracks me up. I was bald as a cue ball until I was two so I was kind of shocked that Wesley was born with any hair at all. I’m curious when his hair will grow back in and what color it will be when it does. If his eyebrows and eyelashes are any indication he’ll be blond, but we’ll see.

stretch

By far the best thing about this week is Wesley’s cooing and smiling has reached a whole new level. He is especially happy and interactive first thing in the morning. I don’t care how crappy my night of sleep was it is impossible to be grouchy when I see his funny faces:

funny-face

And this smile makes my whole world light up:

giant-smile

The gums! The dimples! This is my favorite picture of him ever. I was holding the camera off to the side and just hitting the camera button when I took it since I didn’t want it to be between our faces. I’m so glad I caught this, even if it is a bit blurry.

Other milestones:

  • Joel wore Wesley in the Maya Wrap for the first time.
  • Wesley and I took our first outing without Joel. Wesley got to meet my good friend and dance teacher. So, really simple, just there and back but it was nice to get out of the house.
  • We took Wesley to his first show. It was the recital for my dance studio. He did great. He got a little hungry towards the end so I went to the back of room and fed him. Other than that he got oohed and aaahed over and slept almost the whole time. He’s such a good baby.
  • I had my first real caffeine since before he was born. It didn’t seem to affect him too much so yay!

I can hardly believe I love the newborn stage this month. There are times I’m frustrated or over tired but that all melts away when I see his magical smile. So incredibly worth it.

Weekly Wesley: Five

Week5edit

This week I began to feel like we’re really settling into a routine… which of course means the last couple of nights Wesley has had bad nights of sleep. I think the issue is he hates having a wet diaper and he wets his diaper every couple of hours. So he’s hydrated but wakes way more often. Or he’s just going through a growth spurt. He still usually does one four hour stretch at least.

9-lbs

While the more frequent waking is a little frustrating I’m just glad he’s eating well and gaining weight. He looks like such a peanut I was worried he wasn’t gaining well. He had his one month check up this week though and he weighed in at nine pounds exactly! The pediatrician seemed really pleased with his weight gain so I’m going to try to stop worrying about it. I just have a tiny baby. I still kind of hope he chunks out eventually but as long as he’s healthy that’s what’s important.

holding-head-up

He’s quite strong and is able to hold his head up longer and longer. He still hates tummy time on the floor but he tolerates it better on our chests. We still do tummy time once a day on the floor so he hopefully gets more used to it soon.

balding-baby

His baby acne has improved a lot. If he gets really warm it shows back up but for the most part it’s gone. It has been replaced with some killer baby pattern baldness. He looks like a tiny little old man with a receding hairline and it cracks me up. I was bald as a cue ball until I was two so I was kind of shocked that Wesley was born with any hair at all. I’m curious when his hair will grow back in and what color it will be when it does. If his eyebrows and eyelashes are any indication he’ll be blond, but we’ll see.

stretch

By far the best thing about this week is Wesley’s cooing and smiling has reached a whole new level. He is especially happy and interactive first thing in the morning. I don’t care how crappy my night of sleep was it is impossible to be grouchy when I see his funny faces:

funny-face

And this smile makes my whole world light up:

giant-smile

The gums! The dimples! This is my favorite picture of him ever. I was holding the camera off to the side and just hitting the camera button when I took it since I didn’t want it to be between our faces. I’m so glad I caught this, even if it is a bit blurry.

Other milestones:

  • Joel wore Wesley in the Maya Wrap for the first time.
  • Wesley and I took our first outing without Joel. Wesley got to meet my good friend and dance teacher. So, really simple, just there and back but it was nice to get out of the house.
  • We took Wesley to his first show. It was the recital for my dance studio. He did great. He got a little hungry towards the end so I went to the back of room and fed him. Other than that he got oohed and aaahed over and slept almost the whole time. He’s such a good baby.
  • I had my first real caffeine since before he was born. It didn’t seem to affect him too much so yay!

I can hardly believe I love the newborn stage this month. There are times I’m frustrated or over tired but that all melts away when I see his magical smile. So incredibly worth it.

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