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Tag: body issues

Betrayal

I have always struggled with body image issues.

The miscarriage has only made my body hate so much worse. I feel completely betrayed by my body. I’m so angry with it still. Not only could it not develop a normal pregnancy but it couldn’t figure out there was no baby growing. It made me so nauseous I could barely function while I knew there was no chance of a healthy baby.

Then, it bled for almost a full week longer than what the doctor told me I could expect. Not enough to be dangerous or even worrisome. Just enough to be annoying and make me miserable.

Then I finally got a bit of a break only to have the mother of all deluges for my first period “back.” I ruined a pair of pants, a set of sheets and countless underwear because I simply wasn’t prepared for this uncommonly heavy “welcome back to fertility.”

That finally ended and I hoped my body would even things out. In the in between Joel and I still weren’t trying but we weren’t exactly careful either.

The day my next period was due I spotted a bit so I prepared myself for another deluge like last time. I walked around for four days with basically a diaper on only to have barely another spot show up. Then things stopped altogether. Pregnancy tests kept coming back negative and so I found myself in a weird limbo of did I just finish the lightest period of my life or am I secretly pregnant already? I knew if I was pregnant the fact that I didn’t even get the faintest of lines on a test was not a good sign for viability.

One week later my questions were answered with yet another ruined pair of underwear. Turns out my period just decided to show up a full week late for the first time in my entire life. FUN! This one wasn’t quite as Niagara Falls as the last one so at least there’s that.

Then(!) two days ago I woke up, stepped out of bed and yelped because my ankle hurt so much. It felt like I sprained it. Except there’s no swelling and I have no memory of doing anything to injure it. It’s still the same today and I have no idea what’s going on. Luckily I have another week off dance before the summer session starts. It’s already stopping me from working out. If this mystery injury doesn’t clear up soon though it’s going to keep me from doing the one thing that’s been keeping me sane.

I just want to know when my body will be done messing with my head. I feel like I just start to heal and then my body pulls some other form of torture out to undo all of it. It makes me terrified to start trying again.

Logically I’m pretty sure I know my body is not actually out to get me. That doesn’t help me feel any less betrayed by it though.

Skinny bitch

Ok, don’t hate me. But I get it if you do because a month ago I would probably have thrown tomatoes at me for this post.

Moving on.

Remember that time I apparently swallowed demons? I couldn’t keep so much as water down. In that two days I lost 8 pounds. Afterward I had no appetite and lost a few more pounds. Then, I got sick again and lost four more pounds.

My appetite just hasn’t been the same.

Now, before I lost my immune system I was at my highest weight ever. When I was flying (and at my happiest weight) I was a good 15 pounds lighter. I hadn’t given in and bought many new clothes yet but putting on my jeans every morning required me to stretch them within an inch of their life. I’m not sure how the seams held out. It was so uncomfortable. Often I couldn’t even comfortably sit without unbuttoning my pants.

So attractive, I know. Down boys.

Obviously I was pretty unhappy with how I looked. In all honesty I was nowhere near being considered overweight but I hated how I felt and how my clothes fit. I have issues. Judge if you want.

Anyway, despite the fact that it wasn’t the healthiest way to get back down to my normal weight, I kind of love how I look now. Mostly. I still have issues.

The thing is, do you know how difficult it is to find cute, inexpensive clothes in small sizes? It’s the same problem with having absurdly tiny feet. There are just way fewer options, especially if you’re trying to shop in the clearance section.

The most frustrating thing though is the discrepancy in sizing. One place I can wear a size 5 and in the very. same. store. a 0 is too big. It’s just plain annoying. I get that brands want to make women feel good about themselves. Shouldn’t that be done by making great clothes that are well tailored rather than putting smaller numbers on bigger clothes?

As if someone is going to think, “Oh wow, even though my body looks no different I must be thinner because the tag has a smaller number on it.”

Personally I don’t care if I wear a size 0 or a 10. I just want to look good in my clothes. Mens clothes are so easy since it’s by waist measurement. Why don’t womens clothing do that? No guessing, no bullshit, just a standard size. You are how big you are and smaller, arbitrary numbers on tags don’t magically make you weigh less.

Can you tell I’ve been shopping a lot lately? I haven’t bought much though. Joel and I don’t have tons of extra money to spend. However, I need to look nice for my job and my winter wardrobe was sadly lacking in anything that wasn’t worn out and shabby looking. Or a t-shirt.

So, I search through Large after XL for the occasional Small or Medium. Then I take dozens of things into the dressing room (while Joel panics that I’m going to spend our entire paycheck) only to come out with 1 or 2 things that fit and look halfway decent.

Now, maybe if I shopped at more high end places I wouldn’t have this problem. I wouldn’t really know but it seems the cheaper the store, the bigger the sizes run. We just don’t have money to spend $20+ on shirts and $70+ on pants.

If I gained a little weight I’d probably be able to find clothes that fit me better. However, I’d be uncomfortable with how I looked. It shouldn’t be this difficult, I shouldn’t have to pick between ill fitting clothes or a body that I don’t love or money in the bank. There has to be a market for cheap, small clothes.

(and shoes? Nah, that’s asking too much)

Anyone out there have that problem or am I just a lone skinny bitch?

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