You Only Live Once, This Is How I’m Doing It!

Tag: 4 weeks

Why we waited

ultrasound 6w4dswI wrote this post awhile ago but couldn’t seem to find the right time to hit publish. I hope by publishing it now it might help someone else who is struggling after a loss.

The first time we got pregnant we shared with the world right away. The day I peed on a stick we excitedly drove literal hours to be able to tell our family in person and not long after that we started posting about it.

And then we lost the pregnancy.

The support and love I got from everyone in my life, including virtual strangers was overwhelming. I honestly am not sure how I would have gotten through it without the unbelievable outpouring of support. I have absolutely zero regrets about sharing as early as we did because otherwise we would have had to walk through that dark time alone.

I honestly didn’t expect to do anything different this time around.

Then I got that positive test. And instead of joy and excitement I felt complete terror. The only person in the world I told that day was Joel, and since he had left for an out-of-town business trip I told him via text. Over the next few days I told a few members of my immediate family but just over the phone, trying to sound happy but choking back tears the entire time. Their excitement almost startled me.

It was not the happy time I felt like it should have been. Instead I felt depressed and scared. I sobbed into my pillow at night. It was so confusing. There was a tiny part of my that was cautiously hopeful. I wanted to be excited. I just could. not. get there.*

My doctor was so understanding and ordered blood work immediately to check that all my levels were where they were supposed to be. I passed with flying colors. You’d think that would have encouraged me but since I didn’t get blood work done the last time I didn’t know if it was truly a good sign or not. For all I knew my hormones were perfect then too. Or not. Who knows.

Joel seemed less apprehensive than me, but still he always phrased his excitement in mights” and ifs.”

I’m so excited that I might be a dad…

If this baby is born…

I hated those mights and ifs. They stung. I can’t blame him though, I talked the same way.

The three weeks from the positive test to when I could finally get an ultrasound seemed like an eternity. Still, only my very immediate family knew. There was a part of me that wanted to share with others but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The pregnancy did not feel real to me. I could not let myself get attached. I couldn’t let myself feel any real excitement.

That was why I stayed so quiet, why I didn’t share with the world. I could not bear to hear excited congratulations when I couldn’t muster up any excitement myself. I felt enough guilt over not being over the moon about my (potential) future child. I couldn’t imagine faking giddiness for someone else.

I refused to let strangers be more excited about my pregnancy than I was.

That first ultrasound I nearly crawled out of my own skin sitting on that table. When the ultrasound finally began I strained to see anything in that round black blob on the screen. It wasn’t empty. Or at least it didn’t look empty to my inexpert eye. Of course my doctor took what felt like years to say anything and when he did he began with the exact same Well…. in the exact same tone that started the bad news last time. But this time that well ended in “…there’s the heartbeat.

I stared at that tiny, flickering blob through tear filled eyes and finally felt the first surge of attachment. Hope. Excitement even.

It would still take me awhile to feel excited enough to share with my extended family and even longer to share with you wonderful internet people. I’m eternally grateful this pregnancy has turned out to be healthy so far because I definitely would not have wanted to walk through another loss alone. But I needed to always feel that I was the most excited about this pregnancy, no matter how little that was. I couldn’t rush the excitement. I’m glad I didn’t rush it.

Because trust me, now? There is no one more ecstatic and in love with this baby than me. I’m glad that’s the way it always was.

*The post I linked to was something I wrote anonymously on Band Back Together just after I got the positive pregnancy test. It is an incredibly raw look at how I was feeling at the time. I’m so grateful that I had that resource to voice my feelings and receive some support, even though I couldn’t thank those people at the time since I wanted to remain anonymous. It really is an invaluable resource.

The two little lines that changed my life

I had these grand plans to make this blog about our journey from before we were ready, through trying to conceive then pregnancy and beyond.

Thing is, I felt like I had tons of time before I was remotely ready to start trying to conceive, so I put off writing here.

Then, for no reason at all, Joel and I both said “I wanna baby” and neither one of us said “Oh hell no!”* So, blame the rabies, but we tossed aside the condoms and went for it. I’ve tracked my cycles for years and have a general idea of when things happen but so the first month I pretty much knew we missed our window. Sure enough, we had. No disappointment, I had a feeling it wouldn’t be easy. I didn’t even own a basal thermometer. We figured out early on that birth control made me feel nauseous every. second. of. every. day. so it didn’t take us long into our marriage before we decided to toss it and go with good old fashion condoms.

For five years they worked without so much as a leak or a scare. I actually thought there might be something wrong with one of us they worked so well. I mean, I kept hearing about this baby from a broken condom and that baby from failed birth control blah blah blah and I got this idea that we were playing fast and loose with my uterus every time we had sex.

All that to say when we tossed them aside I really expected we had a long journey ahead of us.

This past month we still both had baby fever which is also something that’s never happened two months in a row. However, we had guests staying with us and we live in a tiny apartment with paper thin walls so out of consideration we held off and I thought we again missed our window. We chalked this month up to really fun practice and set our minds on trying again next time.

Only… the day my app (yes I track my period with an app, shut up) said I was due to start came and went without so much as a hint. Honestly, my only reaction was confusion so I recounted and realised the last several months I’d been having short cycles so I just chalked it up to me going back to my normal lengths.

No biggie.

Today was my adjusted due day.

Still no freaking hint of anything so, even though I promised myself I’d wait until I was officially a day late I peed on a stick.

No mistake there, huh?

So haha, we got pregnant right away. Considering my mom has six kids, and between two of my sisters they have five going on six kids I shouldn’t be surprised at. all.

I am surprised though. And excited. And terrified. I expected more time. I mean, I guess I have nine months to get ready. Because oh my god I’m a mommy.

::screams:: ::falls over (but gently, because ya know, the baby)::

So anyway, I have zero symptoms so far. The only symptom is a lack of ruined underwear, ahem. I have been taking naps but then I was up till 5am which is pretty normal for me if I take naps so I wouldn’t exactly call that a symptom. Come to think of it, some strawberries at the store the other day smelled super gross to me. They smelled great at first but when I picked them up to get a closer smell I thought I smelled mildew or feet or something so we didn’t buy them. Oh! I also had heartburn for the first time ever in my life last night. What?! Isn’t that not supposed to happen until the baby is big enough to press on your stomach? If that is a symptom already I’m getting a surrogate. It’s not too late for that yet right?



Anyway, due to my family history I really expected to be barfing my brains out at this point. My mom and one of my sisters are both cursed with severe morning all day sickness so I just assumed I’d be the same but so far so good. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.

I haven’t told Joel yet. I wanted to pee on a stick when he was home but I couldn’t wait and now I’m going to die of excitement while I wait the million and a half (three) hours until he gets home. I will try and tape his reaction and post it. I wish I had taped mine but like I said before, I really truly didn’t expect to see a second line on that stick. **

Here we go motherhood!

*oh yeah, this is a mommy blogger who curses. Get over it.

**I waited until after I told him the news before I published this. It’s part of the journey though so I’m leaving it in.

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