Two really sucky options

I’ve said it before. The dentist freaks me the heck out. I hate to admit it because I’m not normally so… normal? I mean, it’s normal to be afraid of the dentist right?

Please say yes. I don’t need to feel worse about this.

Thankfully I have excellent dental hygiene. I brush twice a day. I floss every night. I use mouthwash. I’ve never had many dental problems. I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. I also had a wee little filling on something that was a soft spot not a cavity. Or something. I’m not a dentist.

I had hoped that that would be the end of my relationship with the dentist other than regular cleanings. Wouldn’t you know it couldn’t be that simple.

::sigh::

So now this stupid tooth that never bothered me before ever hurts like crazy. That’s not the way these things are supposed to work right? No pain, get a filling, one year later extreme pain? Seems backwards, am I right?

Naturally the first thing anyone would do when they get shooting pains when they so much as brush in the area, much less eat anything hot or cold, would be to call the dentist right? Well…. I may have put it off… awhile.

Like a week. I really honestly hoped it would go away.

Needless to say it didn’t. And when I put down a bar of Godiva chocolate because it hurt too much to eat it I knew I had to suck it up and make a call.

Yesterday I had an appointment with an endodontist because when I explained my symptoms to my dentist they thought I may need a root canal. Yay!

I went to the office, filled out some paperwork (By the way, how mean is it to expect someone to remember important information like their SSN or their husband’s driver’s license number with the sound of sucking and drilling as background noise. ::shiver:: Wait, who remembers their own driver’s license number much less their husband’s? Seriously.) and tried not to pass out, throw up or shiver too visibly. Spoiler alert: I did none of those things. Win!

Well, after taking some x-rays and then poking around in my mouth to find out if it hurt. (Yes it freaking did!) I was told I have two options. Both of them suck. Of course.

Option one: Try to repair my damaged filling and hope that will fix it. It’s definitely the less invasive option. It also won’t cost a fortune which is a big plus. The downside is, it may not actually fix it at all. In fact, I can expect to be in pain for the better part of a month. It may even make my pain worse, to the point of not sleeping, for awhile. And if it doesn’t work I could end up needing a root canal anyway, after all that.

Option two: Just go ahead and get a root canal. This would make the pain go away much faster because it gets rid of the nerve. No nerve, no pain! Wee! However, it would hollow out my tooth, weakening it and requiring a crown. Complications with that down the road could mean losing a tooth. It also may require my selling my first born child to pay for, I’m not entirely sure how much my insurance covers. I know it’s the more expensive option anyway.

So yeah, I’m putting off calling and scheduling anything because I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m also not in quite as much pain as before. Mostly because I’ve stopped chewing completely on that side of my mouth but whatever.

I need advice from someone with more dental experience than me. I’m leaning toward the first option, anything less drastic seems like a plus. But the idea of being in pain for a month is less than appealing. Tell me what I should do people! I need your help!

Favorite season not action

Tonight I can officially add the sidewalk to my list of dangerous objects.

Joel and I are running again. Hush, I heard that eye roll. I haven’t really mentioned it here or on Twitter because this is the third time I’ve started the C25K program. ::hangs head:: I know. I’m horrible at follow through. But whatever, this time I’ve gone much further than ever before and it feels awesome.

This is not a post about running though. This is a post about falling. Excited?

Joel and I have a habit of running in the evening. This started out of necessity because 6 weeks ago when we started it was 85 degrees, humid and sunny during the day and the one time we tried running in the afternoon I about collapsed halfway through. Humidity is the devil. Take note.

Well Fall is upon us here in Chicagoland and the temperatures have been extremely pleasant. Instead of changing our habits though we’ve continued to run after dark. It just works for us. Or it has so far.

Tonight I was feeling great on our run. The previous run was a full 20 minutes straight. I know! Head explosion over here. I’m still in shock that I actually did it. Anyway, after that long run going back to intervals (per the program) felt like a piece of cake. The weather was nice, I had my headphones in and was rocking out. I only had about 2 minutes left of my last running interval before the cool down and I let my mind wander.

I’ll never remember where it wandered because I realized the sidewalk had suddenly become slightly uneven and gravity was about to make me it’s bitch.

In my head it all happened in slow motion. The sidewalk dipped and my feet didn’t get the message fast enough. I tripped slightly and must have over corrected because instead of righting myself I kept going downward.

Bam! My right knee hit and I somehow still stumbled a bit more before my left knee followed with only slightly less force.

Bam! I reached my right palm out to catch myself but my momentum was too great and I continued down even further. The momentum was so great I scraped my knuckles on that same hand.

Bam! My left shoulder hit next and my mind immediately went to my iPhone which was in a case strapped to my bicep. Oh please don’t let it break. Yes, even with the threat of bones breaking my biggest concern was for my iPhone. I realize how pathetic that is.

Finally Bam! My face met the concrete and I could not fall any further.

I lay there for a moment completely in shock. My brain did a quick mental check of my bones and nothing felt broken. I lay face down on the pavement and the shock of it all, plus the sting of the scrapes caused me to burst into tears.

Joel was almost immediately by my side and I was soon sitting up on the sidewalk, testing my limbs to make sure none were seriously injured. Thank goodness none were. I was bleeding but not broken.

A minute passed, I’m still sitting there bawling when I realize a car is pulling up next to us. And then I saw the pretty red and blue lights flick on.

Oh yay, the police!

I scrabbled to my feet, tears and pain suddenly gone with the adrenaline of the embarrassment. The officer was incredibly nice and offered me an ambulance (which I obviously told him I didn’t need) and a ride home (which I was too embarrassed to accept). Because he stopped he had to take my name and information and write a quick report of the incident. Fan-freaking-tastic. I am officially on record as a klutz. His exact words were “So you just tripped over the curb or something stupid like that?” Yep, exactly stupid like that.

Needless to say I didn’t finish the run but walking home wasn’t a problem. Want to see the damage?

Sexy knees.

Shoulder and face. Please excuse the sweaty hair and face. Running isn’t something I get dressed up for.

Closeup!

So all in all nothing is too horrible. They definitely sting and I’m not looking forward to the probable black eye in a couple of days. I’m just super grateful it’s nothing more than a few superficial scrapes. As weird as it sounds I’m glad I caught myself with my face rather than catching the whole fall on my hands and snapping my wrist. Can’t fix that with a band-aid!

Despite my luck this time I think it’s about time we change our running habits. Uneven sidewalks are much easier to spot in daylight. I’d like to try and keep all my skin attached from now on thank you very much.

The argument against gay marriage

… and what is wrong with it.

Gay marriage is such a hot issue right now. Those that are for it scream for equality and justice. They want to be seen as equals in a society where they are expected to contribute equally in taxes and laws. Those that are against it fear for the end of civilization as we know it. I hear so many arguments against gay marriage. Here are my problems with some of them.

1. “It’s unnatural”- If you mean that there are no examples in nature then you should look at penguins, dolphins, albatross etc. Animals have all kinds of same sex relationships. In fact, over 450 species practice some sort of same sex activity. (NY Times)

If you mean they can’t reproduce then you are correct. However, we don’t outlaw marriage for the elderly and infertile. We also have not outlawed birth control. Natural procreation is only one of hundreds of  possible valid reasons to get married. There is nothing unnatural about desiring marriage for the sake of love, commitment and companionship.

2. “It goes against my religion” – That may very well be true. No one is asking you to change your religious beliefs. The beautiful thing about this country is that we have freedom to practice any belief system we see fit. We do not have a State church. Anyone, religious or non-religious, should be very appreciative of that. Christianity alone has so many denominations and there are extreme differences even between them. You are free to choose, not only your specific religion, but how when and where you practice it. The minute the government starts making laws based on one religion it puts all religious freedoms at risk.

3. “But… but… Sodom and Gomorrah!”- First of all, this is again, based on a specific religion and so shouldn’t have an influence on legislation. If however you’re afraid that our country will be destroyed in fire and brimstone or that you’ll be turned into a pillar of salt as a result then you’ll have to get in line. Spain, Norway, Sweden, Belgium, Portugal, Netherlands, Iceland, Canada and South Africa all have laws allowing gay marriage or domestic partnerships. If these countries start getting systematically destroyed by bizarre acts of nature we’ll have plenty of time to reevaluate our stance on things.

And if you really want to get theological about it, the perverts in Sodom and Gomorrah wanted to rape the angels that came to visit Lot.* Rape is a disgusting and abhorrent act. It could be argued that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, not for being cities full of people in loving, monogamous, same sex relationships, but rather because they were cities full of murderers and rapists. Plus, when God wanted to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah He said that if there were even 10 righteous men He would spare it. I certainly hope we could muster up that many righteous people in the event of imminent destruction. (Genesis 18 and 19)

4. “Marriage has always been this way.”- Marriage has actually changed drastically and often throughout history. Marriages used to be a simple property exchange. The man owned the women in order for her to produce heirs and do household tasks. Marriage used to involve one man and as many women as he could afford to keep. This was again to ensure he had as many heirs as physically possible. We have since changed the laws and marriage is now only recognized in most areas of the US as between two people.

Another very recent change to marriage is legalization of interracial marriage. As few as 45 years ago, interracial marriage was as illegal and feared as gay marriage is today. Opponents used the same arguments, that is was not biblical and that it was unnatural. They were afraid that it would produce mentally handicapped and damaged offspring. As a proud aunt of beautiful and brilliant interracial children the very idea that 50 years ago they wouldn’t have been allowed to see their mom and dad married sickens me. As a proud daughter-in-law of a highly intelligent and loving gay man I feel the same way for him. Sick.

Until relatively recently in history women and black people were seen as property. Should we go back to that because it’s the way it’s always been? Of course not! History is not the standard by which we set our values, attempting to mirror it as closely as possible. Instead, history is something we should examine carefully and learn from. We should be taking the good and rejecting the bad so that we can grow into a more ideal society.

I think it’s time to take a hard, honest look at the motivation behind these and any other arguments. They are all based on fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss of power. We have many examples of healthy, normal societies where gay marriage is nothing more than another normal relationship. These societies have yet to fall apart as a result.

Put yourself in their place. Would you not be devastated if your marriage was illegal? Would you not fight with every breath to see that changed? I know I would. I would also fight with every breath if my sister and brother-in-law could not be married just like I am fighting now for my father-in-law to be able to marry someone he loves.

Gay people aren’t looking to make your life harder. They’re not looking to affect your personal life at all.  All they want are the same rights and privileges that you enjoy. They don’t want any special treatment, they just want equal treatment. Isn’t that what the United States is all about?

*Yeah I know my Biblical characters. What?

A real boy

This past weekend I was at my sister’s with Joel babysitting her three kiddos. My nephews are Anthony 4, Jordan 3 and Devin (but we call him Diggy) 5 months and they are seriously the sweetest kids ever.

Here are a couple snippets from the weekend:

—

Jordan- Uncle Joel, you don’t live here.

Joel- Well for the weekend we do.

Jordan- Yeah but you don’t live here regularly. (side note, seriously he used the word regularly. He’s 3! Cracked me up)

Joel- Would you like it if we lived here regularly?

At the same time: Anthony-Yes! Jordan- No!

Anthony- But Jordan, then they’d be here all the time.

Jordan- But that would just be silly.

—-

They were watching a super hero move and one of the previews was for Harry Potter.

Anthony – I like Harry Potter. Is he real?

Me- No he’s a character on TV just like Superman.

He seemed disappointed but got lost in the movie and didn’t say anything else about it. Later my sister Anna (16) was over and she was talking with Anthony. He was obviously being super cute and so she said,

You’re so cute, Anthony. You should be on TV.

Anthony’s eyes got really big and sad. He took a deep breath and said,

But…. I want to be real.
——

I was so pleased with how the day went. I thought it was going to be the whole weekend. My brother-in-law was having some health issues and we thought he would need to be in the hospital all weekend. Thankfully the issues turned out not to be as serious as originally thought and they didn’t even have to stay over night.

It was going to be kind of fun and interesting though. Going from a blissfully child-free couple to two toddlers and an infant? For a whole weekend? Including over night? Bam!

I was shocked at how stress free it was though. Yeah I was tired at the end of the day but those kids are so freaking well behaved. The most annoying part of the day was heating up bottles every time Diggy needed to eat. And that was not that big a deal. At all.

The only thing I’m worried about now is I won’t be able to live up to this high standard of adorableness my sister’s kids have set. I’m just the tiniest bit concerned that I’m going to end up raising a herd of monster children.

Maybe I’ll just convince my sister to move in next door. Between her and their older boy cousins they ought to stay in line. Or at least their cousins will teach them how to be ridiculously adorable and I won’t notice the monstrous behavior as much.

Embracing the sad

There was a time I didn’t know how to cry. I noticed when I was 10. I was in a movie (part of a college student’s portfolio) and couldn’t muster up any of the tears that were necessary to play my part.

I faked it, but not well. Oscar worthy performance it was not.

But after that it became my mission to teach myself to cry.

Ironically it was around that time that my world turned upside down. My mom got sick and suddenly wasn’t around much anymore. That’s a story for a different time but my lack of emotion became really obvious. Things were happening that I should have cried over but I was like a rock. Just, nothing.

I couldn’t feel a thing.

I know now I was probably protecting myself. The thing was, I realized that while not feeling the pain was nice I also never really felt any good emotions either. I was blank. Empty.

Empty is so much worse than pain.

I can’t remember my exact journey away from numbness. I don’t think I ever had an epiphany that woke me up. But I did wake up. I taught myself to cry. Crying is a cleansing act. When your capacity for feeling reaches new lows it also reaches new highs. It’s impossible for it to go one way.

It’s been so long since I inadvertently learned that lesson that I’d kind of forgotten it. I’ve read several posts recently about being alone and finding a group, etc. They make me sad. I still have yet to find my “tribe.”

It’s something I want so badly and feeling sad about it all the time sucks.  Tonight I found myself sitting here wishing I could just shut that part of me off and not feel sad anymore. Just be numb.

But then it came rushing back to me. Numb isn’t all that great either. In fact, it probably sucks more.

So I’m embracing the sad. I accept that it’s part of who I am right now. I know, like everything this will pass. I will move on and grow and change and all that. I’ll look back on this lonely time and remember how much it sucked.

I’m guessing it’s like dating. When you want a relationship so fucking desperately it tends to elude. Relationships, at least good ones, seem to come to those who aren’t actively looking for one.

I have a feeling that once I embrace this feeling and become comfortable with my situation that’s when I’ll find my place. I will cry my cleansing tears and I will stop being ashamed of how I feel.

I’m lonely.

I’m sad.

I want a group of friends.

That is okay.

I will have a group someday.

And when I have that and I’m sitting around having coffee with friends and laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or reaching over to text my friend something neat that happened. Or being there to listen when my friend is hurting I will feel that too.

If the low of being lonely hurts this much then the high of finally finding my tribe is going to be pretty amazing.