SkyWaitress.com

You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

One year later

Last March was the worst month of my life.

The whole month of February was spent in blissful naiveté. Then March 1st it felt like my world fell apart.

I feel the sting in little reminders. Like yesterday, I went to get a prenatal massage and in filling out the form I had a tiny little punch to the gut.

2nd pregnancy 1st birth

Then I had to talk about it to the massage therapist. She was chatty.

I also keep thinking about that first ultrasound. There was nothing to see except my empty uterus and yet I cannot stop thinking about the picture that automatically printed. My mind replays my doctor ripping it off the machine, crumpling it up and throwing it in the trash over and over. I didn’t ask for it. I wish I had although I don’t know why exactly. There are many moments that replay from that day but that one stands out the most. Such a stupid little thing.

After that ultrasound we spent 12 days in torturous limbo and then I took what little control I could of the whole horrible situation and opted to have a D&C.

That was one year ago today.

For me personally it was the best decision I could have made. As weird as it feels to say it, the actual procedure was a very positive experience. A large part of that was the wonderful hospital staff and the other part was just the fact that I was taking control of a situation that I was completely out of control of otherwise. When it feels like your world is completely spinning out of control any grasp of control can make that spinning feel slightly less overwhelming.

While that day started the healing process, it was a long, hard road to feeling like myself again. Although saying “myself” doesn’t feel quite accurate. I’m not the same person I was before all this happened.

I think that’s a good thing.

It has taken a year’s worth of time to gain perspective because in the moment and aftermath I could not fathom how anything good could come out of losing my first pregnancy.

I know Joel and I are so much closer than we ever were. Tragedies can make or break a relationship. Thankfully it made us. We had several marriage struggles in the years before our first pregnancy. I blame the fact that we were practically babies when we got married. I was only 20 and Joel was just 24. Babies. Somehow we made it through those and then, instead of letting the blinding pain of losing a pregnancy rip us apart, we relied on each other in a much deeper way than we ever did before. I wish I could give more insight into how we did that but I either do not have enough distance from that time or there is no answer. Either way, I have never felt happier with our relationship or more in love with the man I call my husband.

Another good thing that came out of this was my ability to share my experience. I hate that anyone else in the world has to lose a pregnancy. But at least now I can offer my empathy instead of just my sympathy. Everyone’s journey is different but when I was in the middle of my worst pain other people rallied around me and it help me so much. Now I can be one who rallies around others. If sharing my experience helps even one other person that is a positive thing.

I also get my Wesley out of this. Sure, part of me has struggled with the mixed feeling of missing my other almost baby and being happy about this current one. Now that I’m thisclose to holding our Wesley in my arms though I have a hard time imagining I’d change anything. I love the little boy inside of me. My rainbow baby. My little lucky charm. My Wesley. I wouldn’t have him if it weren’t for my other loss.

I’m glad this year is over because it was freaking hard. I will never forget my loss, it has forever changed me. Change is not always bad though and I anticipate beautiful things in my future both in spite and because of my loss. And the change I look forward to the most is my son. You’re welcome any time, little guy.

Previous

Losing her place?

Next

39 Weeks

51 Comments

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss, but so thrilled for your gift of your son who is so every nearly here in your arms.

  2. Your story will help so many going through this. It’s always bittersweet. A loss does change you, but it has made you so much stronger. Huge hugs!

  3. Your story will help so many going through this. It’s always bittersweet. A loss does change you, but it has made you so much stronger. Huge hugs!

  4. Abigail, I am so sorry. I went through the same thing and know how devastating this is. My miscarriage happened when I was trying to conceive Daniel (baby #2) after a year of fertility treatments, totally out of the blue. I can SO relate to the feelings you describe as well as to wanting for this not to happen to anyone else ever. I think that even though it took me a while to write about it this was part of why I started my blog, so I could talk about it and reach other people who are struggling with the same. I’ve titled my post About a Happy Scar and there’s a link to it in my About Me, if you wanted to read it.

    I pray for a safe and quick delivery and thank you so much for sharing this.

  5. Abigail, I am so sorry. I went through the same thing and know how devastating this is. My miscarriage happened when I was trying to conceive Daniel (baby #2) after a year of fertility treatments, totally out of the blue. I can SO relate to the feelings you describe as well as to wanting for this not to happen to anyone else ever. I think that even though it took me a while to write about it this was part of why I started my blog, so I could talk about it and reach other people who are struggling with the same. I’ve titled my post About a Happy Scar and there’s a link to it in my About Me, if you wanted to read it.

    I pray for a safe and quick delivery and thank you so much for sharing this.

  6. Your willingness to share your story is so admirable. Good on you and Joel for getting stronger through it.

    Now, tell Wesley to come out on Pi Day. 😉

    • Well, he didn’t quite make Pi Day. Would have been a super cool birthday. Maybe St Patrick’s Day?

  7. Your willingness to share your story is so admirable. Good on you and Joel for getting stronger through it.

    Now, tell Wesley to come out on Pi Day. 😉

    • Well, he didn’t quite make Pi Day. Would have been a super cool birthday. Maybe St Patrick’s Day?

  8. You story helped me validate how I’ve felt, even though it was over 3 years ago now. I can’t believe it’s been that long.

  9. You story helped me validate how I’ve felt, even though it was over 3 years ago now. I can’t believe it’s been that long.

  10. You have such a wonderful strength and attitude towards what happened a year ago. Although that pain may never completely go away, I think it’s beautiful how you want to help others through empathy. That alone will continue to help you heal.

    • Yes, sharing my story with others and being able to be there has helped so much with the healing. It is amazing how that works.

  11. You have such a wonderful strength and attitude towards what happened a year ago. Although that pain may never completely go away, I think it’s beautiful how you want to help others through empathy. That alone will continue to help you heal.

    • Yes, sharing my story with others and being able to be there has helped so much with the healing. It is amazing how that works.

  12. crowndvic

    Thank you for writing & sharing this, for being a source of support over the past few weeks as I go through the same unfortunate situation, and for hope.

    I’m so happy you get your Wesley, your rainbow after the storm. You deserve utmost happiness.

    huge internet hugs!

    • So much love to you. You also deserve the utmost happiness and I have no doubt your rainbow baby is waiting for you. Hugs!

  13. crowndvic

    Thank you for writing & sharing this, for being a source of support over the past few weeks as I go through the same unfortunate situation, and for hope.

    I’m so happy you get your Wesley, your rainbow after the storm. You deserve utmost happiness.

    huge internet hugs!

    • So much love to you. You also deserve the utmost happiness and I have no doubt your rainbow baby is waiting for you. Hugs!

  14. Thank you for sharing your story. While I haven’t experienced that loss – I know your words are providing comfort to someone who now knows they are not alone and they can make it through this tragedy and come out on the other side with hope.

  15. Thank you for sharing your story. While I haven’t experienced that loss – I know your words are providing comfort to someone who now knows they are not alone and they can make it through this tragedy and come out on the other side with hope.

  16. Having lost a child myself I can relate to every word that is written in this blog. The day I lost my daughter I felt like a part of me was taking, and without any explanation. The situation was so sudden, and in the moment I didn’t know how we would be able move on. It is not only refreshing but inspiring for me to know you and you story, and know that you are having such a positive experience with this current pregnancy. Reading this just gives me hope that one day I will be able to experience the same joy that you are currently experiencing. Thank you for your encouraging words and Congrats again!!

    • Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad reading my story gives you hope. I’m sure you too will get your rainbow baby. Hugs.

  17. Having lost a child myself I can relate to every word that is written in this blog. The day I lost my daughter I felt like a part of me was taking, and without any explanation. The situation was so sudden, and in the moment I didn’t know how we would be able move on. It is not only refreshing but inspiring for me to know you and you story, and know that you are having such a positive experience with this current pregnancy. Reading this just gives me hope that one day I will be able to experience the same joy that you are currently experiencing. Thank you for your encouraging words and Congrats again!!

    • Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad reading my story gives you hope. I’m sure you too will get your rainbow baby. Hugs.

  18. Oh my heart. I have chills and am crying! I am so sorry you went through this. Yes, it has made your marriage stronger and yes, you learned lessons that helped you grow. But my heart still breaks because you had to experience that pain 🙁 I am so happy and excited for your baby on the way, though!

    • Thank you so much. The pain was hard but now that I’m so close to having my baby it feels worth it.

  19. Oh my heart. I have chills and am crying! I am so sorry you went through this. Yes, it has made your marriage stronger and yes, you learned lessons that helped you grow. But my heart still breaks because you had to experience that pain 🙁 I am so happy and excited for your baby on the way, though!

    • Thank you so much. The pain was hard but now that I’m so close to having my baby it feels worth it.

  20. I can only imagine how difficult and painful it must have been for you. But as you said, it has made you stronger and has strengthened the bond between you and Joel. Tragedy is never pretty, but it does work its magic somehow.

    • Our strengthened bond is definitely one of the best things to come out of all this. I know it could have gone either way so I’m glad we came out stronger.

  21. I can only imagine how difficult and painful it must have been for you. But as you said, it has made you stronger and has strengthened the bond between you and Joel. Tragedy is never pretty, but it does work its magic somehow.

    • Our strengthened bond is definitely one of the best things to come out of all this. I know it could have gone either way so I’m glad we came out stronger.

  22. Wow, I am so sorry to hear about this. I have two SIL’s who just found out they are pregnant (very early still) and I am just holding my breath for them. It’s such a fragile, scary time in the beginning.

    • I find myself reacting the same way to news of brand new pregnancies. I’m so excited and at the same time I find myself really nervous for them. I don’t let on to them of course because no one should spoil that magical time with fear.

  23. Wow, I am so sorry to hear about this. I have two SIL’s who just found out they are pregnant (very early still) and I am just holding my breath for them. It’s such a fragile, scary time in the beginning.

    • I find myself reacting the same way to news of brand new pregnancies. I’m so excited and at the same time I find myself really nervous for them. I don’t let on to them of course because no one should spoil that magical time with fear.

  24. I can’t imagine how painful and sad it would be to have to write that on the form. My mom had a miscarriage right before her pregnancy with me so I am her Wesley. It is really brave of you to share your story to help others going through the same thing.

  25. I can’t imagine how painful and sad it would be to have to write that on the form. My mom had a miscarriage right before her pregnancy with me so I am her Wesley. It is really brave of you to share your story to help others going through the same thing.

  26. Thank was such a beautiful post – thank you for sharing it with me.
    We have recently adopted a little girl who is amaaaaaazing so I love hearing about happy endings – they come in all different shapes and sizes!
    I wish you much luck and happiness.
    And also much sleep. I think you’re gonna need that.

  27. Thank was such a beautiful post – thank you for sharing it with me.
    We have recently adopted a little girl who is amaaaaaazing so I love hearing about happy endings – they come in all different shapes and sizes!
    I wish you much luck and happiness.
    And also much sleep. I think you’re gonna need that.

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén