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“Bigger than average”

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We had a biophysical profile ultrasound today. Fluids are good, blood flow is good and he is head down and in an anterior position. Yay.

The tech started the ultrasound by saying, “Oh wow, you don’t have much fluid in there.” and of course my stomach dropped out of my body. Then she poked around and, ya know, actually measured the fluid while I tried not to cry or panic. She then said there was a lot more fluid in there than she thought.

So thanks for the heart attack. Jerk.

Wesley was super stubborn and despite making my stomach jump and bounce all over the place in the waiting room he decided to take a snooze during the actual ultrasound. One of the things they have to look at is movement so she was poking him and shaking him and he would. not. move. I finally asked Joel to talk to him and sure enough, he kicked a few times. Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.

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One thing he would not do was move was his hand away from his face though. So we got a little glimpse of his nose and mouth but that’s it. Every single ultrasound his hands have been up by his head. It’s kind of adorable but I really hope he moves those little hands for the delivery because, no matter how tiny his hands are, I don’t want them to try to fit through me with his head. Ugh.

Also, they estimate he’s 8lbs 2oz. In the words of the doctor he’s “a little bigger than average.”

And yeah, I know the measurements are not generally all that accurate but I’m still kind of freaking my freak over here. Because the measurements can be wrong the other way too. As in, he might be bigger than 8lbs. And he is not coming out yet. And he’s just getting bigger every minute he stays in me.

Excuse me while I faint.

It’s probably a good thing for my sanity that I go to such a laid back OB/midwife practice. Seriously, one visit to a high risk office where they tell me “He’s going to come out all dried out and wrinkled” and, when I tell them I haven’t been contracting much and the ones I have aren’t really uncomfortable, they say “well that’s not going to do anything at all” and it spirals me into an emotional hole.

Yesterday I was all zen. Today I spent most of the day ugly crying and terrified of pushing out a giant baby with a nuchal hand. It was not pretty.

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I had a bit of an epiphany earlier this evening and realized why all the advice for starting labor was getting to me so much. I know that the people who give it are trying to be nice and helpful. I’m definitely not mad at anyone for trying to help. It’s just, when people say “try x or y” it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to get this baby out. Like, if I would have drank more tea or taken more supplements or walked further or had more sex or… or… or… he’d be here already. If I could just find the thing to do or do the thing enough I’d be holding my baby. Every moment I spend lying on the couch feels like I’m failing, even if the reason I’m lying down is because I feel like my pelvis is going to rip in half if I take one more step.

You would think that hearing that my baby is healthy and there are no issues would put me in a great mood. And yet somehow I left that appointment feeling completely terrified, defeated and like a failure. I’m really thankful for my friends on Facebook because they helped talk me down from my hysterics. I’m also thankful for my husband because he really does his best to stay calm and take my roller coaster of emotions in stride.

I know it’s not my fault he’s not here yet. Now if only I could get what I know and what I feel to match.

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20 Comments

  1. “Baby boy loves his daddy’s voice.” — that’s so sweet.

    I’m sorry you had a crappy day, but it’s great that you have a strong support system to bolster your spirits. Send one of them over to that ultrasound tech to explain that speculating outloud with patients is not very helpful. Yeesh.

    • The way Wesley reacts to Joel’s voice makes me swoon. It’s the best.

      And yeah, not sure why the tech decided to mention the fluid level BEFORE she measured anything. Annoying.

  2. He’ll be here before you know it!

  3. The waiting. Oh, I hated the waiting. Everyone had advice, LIKE I HADN’T TRIED IT ALL ALREADY. And even though some of those things CAN start contractions, that doesn’t mean labor. Labor comes when baby says “go”. Which is super hard to, again, wait for. My heart goes out to you, I’m sure it won’t be long now. You’re doing great!

    • Thank you. I know everyone just wants to be helpful and I do appreciate that. But yeah, there have been times when I feel like one. more. piece. of advice. will make me lose my mind.

  4. You are doing exactly what you should be doing! Resting. In my labor and delivery class they told us that when we got close to our due date we should rest because once you go into labor you need that energy. I walked and walked and walked the day I was having contractions that were getting stronger and closer together to keep them going, wearing yourself out is not going to help anything. There is nothing you could have done differently to get that baby out of you so don’t worry! I know the hormones are going crazy and going past your due date must be so hard (I would have really freaked out!). You are doing a great job mama!

    • Yeah, in my class they gave the advice to lie down or take a bath if I start having contractions since “real” contractions won’t stop with a change in activity. It’s hard to reconcile that with the “walk him out” advice though.

  5. Aw Wesley is taking his sweet time. I have no experience in labor/delivery or any of this, so I will spare you with the various things you can try. All I know is that once you are holding sweet Wesley in your arms, all of this will seem like a distant memory. Hang in there! 🙂

    xo, Yi-chia

  6. Kimberly

    You’re resting, and that is exactly what you should be doing. He will get here and it will all be worth it.

    • Thanks. I know he has to get here. As much as it feels like forever that’s just not possible, thank goodness.

  7. Yep, just keep resting. He’ll be here before you know it! And try not to listen to the people who give you advice on “getting him out”. They don’t know what else to say.

    • Yeah you’re probably right. I know they just want to help and be involved. I don’t hold it against anyone, that’s for sure.

  8. Oh Abigail… I so understand the panic. I have been there and watched so many of my clients go through it as well. The end of pregnancy is tough. Let me just reiterate a few things that I’m sure you already know: A.) There is no way in the world that an ultrasound can give you an accurate prediction of weight at this point in the pregnancy. Ultrasounds cannot measure weight. They simply measure bone length, which means little. Ultrasounds are wrong by as much as 2 lbs in either direction. I cannot tell you how many women I’ve seen scared into a cesarean for a “huge baby” only to have 7 lb baby cut out. I’m sure your OB and midwives know those figures are bogus. B.) You and Joel are not giant people so I would not expect you to have a giant baby. (However big you were when you were born is a really good indicator of how big your baby will be) and C.) As a person who had two nearly ten-pound babies vaginally, I can honestly say it was not as big of a nightmare as people would like to have you believe. I prefer big babies. They’re easier to breastfeed and easier to handle. Jonas (my first, the cesarean baby) was supposed to be “sooooo huge” and he was born a week late at 8.4. That seems small compared to my second two which were each born 9.10 vaginally (and remember, one was at home in water without so much as a tylenol. No problem.) YOU’VE GOT THIS. There is nothing wrong with your body and your baby and soon you will look back on this and laugh hysterically for this.

    • Thank you for that encouragement, it means a lot. And my midwife did warn me ahead of time to PLEASE not pay attention to the weight estimate. Of course I let it get to my head anyway because sometimes I can’t make my brain shut up.

      The actual practice I go to (as opposed to the high risk one where I got the ultrasound) really is great at making me feel at ease. Lots of monitoring so I don’t feel like a problem is going to be missed but no pressure to induce as long as we both look healthy.

  9. I know you know this, but take that weight estimate with a grain of salt. Late ultrasounds are notoriously off. Plus, babies that go to full term are usually larger because nowadays most practicioners induce early, so of course the average size is smaller. But, guess what? Even if you have a “large” baby, it can be done! My daughter was 9lbs 8oz when she was born in October AND she was a VBAC baby! I looked at it like this, my grandmother pushed two 10 lb babies out of her before all of these interventions, so I could do it too. He will come when he is ready…unfortunately he’s just not ready yet 🙂

    • I do know it and yet I couldn’t shut off the panic in my head. I want to think I can do this. I do think I can. I just have moments of OMG WHAT DID I DO?! Haha. Pushing a baby out is scary, no matter how much you try and prepare ahead of time.

  10. So I have to say, your little Wesley is super cute. Look at that little mouth.

    You’re doing great. I promise! He’ll be here when it’s time. With my second child, I had the opposite issue. I was on bed rest because she was coming too early. I spent over a month lying in bed praying she’d stay in one more day.

    Rest. Enjoy this time as much as you can. Take comfort in the fact that you’re doing all you can and your baby is healthy. He’ll be here before you know it. 🙂

    • Aw thanks. I think he looks super cute too but I realize I’m probably pretty biased.

      Being on bed rest for preterm labor has to be so scary. I do realize how lucky I am to have had such a healthy, low risk pregnancy so far.

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