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10 things that will make me cry or want to punch you in the throat

pregnant girl cartoon by chris desatoff

Warning: This post is fueled entirely by hormones. Pregnancy has made me a bit sensitive and often times ridiculous. These or things like these have been said to me over the last couple of weeks and right now I’m feeling ranty about it. If you have in fact said one of these things or something similar? We’re good, really. I get over things pretty fast. Hormones are just oh so much fun. Love, puppies, rainbows and all that.

1. WOAH!

See also: What did you EAT?! You’re huge! Ready to pop, huh?

I get it, I’m big. Trust me, I feel a hundred times bigger than I look. My back hurts, I’m suddenly carrying all of my weight out in front of my body and I’m just. freaking. done. I already feel like a swollen buffalo, no need to rub it in.

Alternatively you could say:

You look great/cute/adorable etc!

I love your belly.

You’re glowing.

It’s not that you have to lie about how you think I look. If you think I look like a whale? Fine, me too! Just keep it to yourself.

2. Sleep now!

What human is not aware of the fact that babies don’t sleep well? I mean really. I knew signing up for this that once this kid comes I’m going to be a complete zombie for the better part of two years. And that’s if I stop at one kid.

The funny thing is, I didn’t realize my body would play this cruel sleep deprivation trick on me long before the baby ever shows up. Even if you don’t count the 15 times a night I get up to pee, I’m not sleeping very well. My back is killing me, rolling over practically takes a crane and my mind is going a zillion miles an hour. Trust me when I say I really want to be sleeping as much as possible now. You’re not being helpful when you rub in the fact that my days of good sleep are over.

Alternatively you could say:

Actually you know what? I don’t have an alternative for this one. Just don’t mention sleep. I KNOW!

3. I was  ___ days/weeks late

See also: He’ll come when he’s ready.

Okay first of all, babies know when they’re ready? Really? Explain preemies then please. I’m pretty sure they didn’t choose their birth because they were ready. I would think the same thing goes for full term babies. Not to say I think my kid is dumb but I also don’t think he’s been in the womb getting his medical degree.

As far as you telling me how you were sooo late, I sympathize, I really do. However, right now when I’m at the end, hearing how you were several weeks late just makes me go into a mild panic. I already feel like this kid will never ever come out and you telling me how you were a month late only intensifies that fear.

Alternatively you could say:

I know how much you want him here.

Waiting is frustrating, I know.

4. Had that baby yet?

I am an open person. I’ve blogged, tweeted, facebooked and instagramed the majority of this pregnancy. I don’t plan to suddenly keep this baby a big secret once he gets here. I will announce it! If you’re wondering, just check my feed, or my page or my stream. There will be something there. Promise. If you can’t be bothered to do a quick check of any of those then I refer you to this – Have You Had That Baby Yet?

Alternatively you could say:

Can’t wait to hear the news about your baby!

I bet you can’t wait to meet him.

5. Have you tried (insert wive’s tale) to get labor going?

Yes, yes, I have. And probably some you haven’t heard of. And on the off chance I haven’t tried it it’s because I think it’s too gross or weird. I know you’re trying to be helpful but you’re just really not going to tell me some magical thing I haven’t heard of before.

Also, don’t tell me how you had exactly 3/4 of a pineapple, bounced on a ball 42 times and stood on your head and that made labor start. Because then I’ll probably try it. And it won’t work. And then I’ll hate you a little bit.

Alternatively you could say:

See numbers 3 and 4.

6. All first babies are late

See also: I bet he’s going to come (insert date that is weeks late).

Not ALL first babies are late. I do realize that most first babies are late, but why rub it in? He might not be late. Or he might and I’ll get over it. You saying or even hoping he’ll be late just makes me think you enjoy seeing me miserable.

Alternatively you could say:

I’m sure it will be any day now.

He’s almost here.

7. I hope he’s a week late like you were.

Okay, so apparently my mom said this. And I guess she gets to. I was clearly a jerk being a week late. I hate me.

Love you, Mom.

8. You look tired.

I AM! But really you should never say this to anyone ever. All we hear is, you look like shit.

Alternative:

You look great.

Or don’t lie, but say nothing. Refer to number 1 for other options.

9. Are you really going to eat that?

Yes, and if you don’t back off I may also eat your face.

Alternatively:

Want my food?

10. I ripped from end to end…

and other horror stories.

I’m scared enough already. Trust me. Plus, I’ve probably read every terrifying story possible (and impossible) online. I can’t stop reading birth stories, it’s an addiction. However, I seek that out and can click away at any time. If you’re telling me your story I have to be polite and finish listening while my uterus tries to actually detach itself and run away screaming from my body.

Alternatively:

Wishing you a quick/easy/healthy etc delivery.

Bonus things any pregnant lady would love to hear:

I love you.

Let me tell you about my amazing, easy birth.

You’re beautiful.

Want (insert delicious food item)?

Have a seat I’ll get that.

You guys are going to be great parents.

I’m so excited for you!

Fellow pregnant ladies and mothers, what did I miss? I can’t be the only one to hear these kinds of things and have to grin through gritted teeth while I wanted to either burst into tears or give the speaker a quick punch to the throat, right?

The featured cartoon was a custom drawing done for me by the fabulous Chris Desatoff which I was lucky enough to win from a contest he did on his blog I Work Off the Clock. Definitely go check out him out.

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25 Comments

  1. Yes, yes, yes, to allllllll of the above. I wish women would stop and think before talking to a pregnant lady, especially one who’s about to pop. Can’t wait to share this and I hope your baby comes soon …after a good night’s sleep, hopefully!

    • Perhaps something about our hormones puts something into the air that makes people completely lose all sense of tact. I have no clue what other explanation there could be.

  2. LOL! I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it only gets worse after the baby is born. Big hugs!

  3. You are amazing – I love this post!!
    I am so excited for you and to hear your news, I’ll be checking Instagram and here for a first look at your new little one.

    I already told you you’re an inspiration to me and it’s true and I’m excited to hear how everything goes!

    Good luck, thinking about you.
    Jade

  4. Girl I feel you on all of these!!! It’s like people see a baby bump and lose their brains.

    Don’t listen to those horrible birth stories! Seriously. Sometimes they happen but people love to exaggerate! I was slightly terrified but very excited to get my baby out (one day before due date- Not all First babies are late!) and our labor/delivery was so much better than I ever imagined. It was calm, quiet and actually an amazing experience.

    Oh and when people would text us and ask if the baby was here yet… we text them back YES! with a photo of the cutest little black baby. hahaha.

    Let me warn you on a few new ones for after you give birth
    – Sleep when the baby sleeps.
    Arrrrgh if I heard this one more time I was going to tackle someone. Yes, I was tired and would love to sleep 18 hours of the day but there were things to do like shower, eat, change and freaking hold my newborn baby and stare at his beautiful face in amazement that were more important to me than sleep.

    -Oh your 3 month old is sleeping good now… just wait!
    Thank you random lady in the hair salon for your lovely outlook on my life. I know things happen as a baby grows that can impact their sleep. We are thankful every morning when we wake up that it was a good night. Way to look at the positives in life.

    Anyways- I think you look fantastic, would bring you desert if I lived nearby and am sending baby dust your way! Try and enjoy your last days being pregnant- it does end, I promise!!!

    • That texting a picture of a black baby thing is pure genius. Wish I would have thought of that!

      And thank you! I know he’ll get here, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

  5. Well said, well said. But, just so you’re prepared. It doesn’t stop. The mommy debates are endless. Be confident in your choices and let everything else roll off your back.

    I reccomend this read too: http://www.cheetosforbreakfast.com/2013/03/a-letter-to-young-mothers.html?m=1

  6. Can I go with: I’m so excited for you! You’re going to be great parents to your WELL NAMED BABY!

  7. This is a great post! Made be chuckle and think of all the people that say stupid stuff over and over on the airplane. Wishing you a soon and easy birth pretty lady. 🙂

    • Yeah, people’s stupid comments are definitely not limited to pregnancy, that’s for sure. In fact, I think I wrote a similarly snarky post about dumb things people say on airplanes on my other blog a few years ago, haha.

  8. Hi Abigail, thanks for the shoutout =) This was a fun post…for me at least lol

    hi-YAH! =P

    • Thank YOU for the contest and for the perfect illustration to go with this post. It was a pleasure.

  9. Jen

    Thank you for posting. This is everything give wanted to say!!

  10. ahahha you’re so funny! love your blog! It’s so nice!!! I follow you!
    Pass to my blog and if it likes you follow me too, I will be so glad 😀
    Kisses

  11. Haha, I love this post. It amazes me how some people have no clue they are being annoying/offensive when they say certain things. Sigh. But… you are going to be a great mommy and I’m so excited for you! 🙂

    xo, Yi-chia

    • Yes, I wonder if people just don’t stop and think or if they really don’t understand how what they’re saying sounds.

      Anyway, thank you! I hope you’re right.

  12. Oh wow, people say some insulting things! Surely you’re allowed to punch them, hormones and all that! I was born a week late, and in keeping with the old wives tale, I am now late for ev-ery-thing. I don’t know what day you’re due, but if he’s still not appeared a month(!) after your due date, you’ve got every right to expect him to have a medical degree when he arrives. I also say, eat what you want now, because soon you won’t have the pregnant excuse when you eat something weird like scrambled eggs and tomato sauce (or is that just me?!).
    Anna x

    • Ha, yeah I have definitely been eating every single thing I wanted. I’m right at the low end of “perfect” for weight gain so I have being going probably a bit overboard with junk food. Especially Nutella. Nom.

  13. Sue

    I am enjoying this and you are a good writer. I pillow pix before and after is so clever! I half expect to be writing to someone in labor at this point. Blessings to you all!

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