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Month: December 2012

A question of loyalty

Someone I follow on Twitter tweeted a link to this video they made as a tribute to their loss earlier in the year. It is beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. They mentioned that they should have had a baby to cuddle this Christmas and all of the sudden it came rushing back that I too should have had a tiny little two month old this Christmas.

From a memorial we attended for our miscarriage. Our last name is hard to spell, clearly.

From a memorial we attended for our miscarriage. Our last name is hard to spell, clearly.

I felt overwhelmed with sadness. Then my little boy kicked me and my sadness mixed with guilt.

If I had never lost that first baby, this one wouldn’t exist. Wishing that baby was here means wishing this baby away. On the other hand being happy this baby is here means being happy the other is gone.

Or something.

I’m so mixed up about it all. I love this baby boy in me already. Fiercely. Feeling him move made him a real little person to me. It also made the one I lost seem so abstract and so much further away.

I didn’t realize it until now. Somehow saying goodbye to my loss baby on it’s due date seemed to free me from mourning it constantly. Is that what closure feels like?

That date loomed like this terrifying thing for months and when it passed I felt free to love the baby inside of me more completely. Then, with my belly growing and more doctor visits and things I feel like I’ve been swept away in this pregnancy.

I thought Halloween would be nearly impossible to get through because it was supposed to be our first holiday as parents. Somehow instead I was distracted by whether my belly would be big enough to do one of those silly zombie mom costumes (it wasn’t).

Thanksgiving I enjoyed the freedom of maternity pants and the fact that I could eat to my heart’s content instead of being sad there wasn’t a baby in my arms.

I did glance longingly at the Baby’s First Christmas onesies and ornaments this holiday season but mostly I was distracted by people oohing and aaahing over my bump and making sure I got the right pictures featuring it in front of the tree.

I have gone whole stretches of time without focusing on my loss at all. I haven’t forgotten, not for a minute, but it doesn’t sting as much already. I wonder if it’s too soon for the sting to be gone.

Loving this baby as much as I do feels disloyal to the one I lost. In a way it makes me wish we would have waited to start trying until after my due date. Then, even though improbable, them both existing wouldn’t have been impossible. As it is, there’s only the choice of one or the other. Obviously there wasn’t really a choice. I didn’t terminate my first pregnancy, it just wasn’t viable.

Why then does it feel like loving either one is disloyal to the other?

28 Weeks

28 weeks belly

This belly is at least 25% turkey I’m pretty sure.

We’ve officially reached the third trimester. *Muppet flail*

I finally managed to take my glucose tolerance test which was a bit of an annoying ordeal. I mean, more than the usual annoyance of drinking a gross drink and sitting around a lab. When I was told they were scheduling me for the test I asked what I needed to know and they just told me to go to the lab. Of course when I went the first thing they asked was whether I had been fasting. Apparently I was scheduled for some weird 2 hour version of the test. Blah. Put me in a bit of a foul mood, not to mention I had to go back in on a Saturday morning. I’ll find out tomorrow at my doctor’s appointment whether I passed the test or not. Cross your fingers for me.

Speaking of the doctors, I’m dreading what the scale might say. On the off chance I fail my GD test I considered it my last hurrah and ate All The Things these last couple of days. Well, except weirdly pie. I KNOW. The actual food was so amazingly good at both Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner that none of us ever got around to actually eating pie. I’m investigating body snatching and other such phenomenon as we speak, don’t worry.

familychristmas

It really was a wonderful Christmas. Full of love, good food, laughter and family which is exactly how I wanted it. I’m even more excited that we’ll be celebrating next Christmas with our little boy.

 

 

Merry Christmas

Wishing you a very merry Christmas. Hope your day is filled with love, laughter, family and puppies dressed in completely ridiculous outfits.

– Joel, Abigail, Phoebe, and Baby boy

27 Weeks

Last week of the second trimester. Wait what?! I know!

This week was super stressful. Without going into all the gory details there was a very real possibility I was going to lose my health insurance 20 days before this kiddo is due.

Twenty days.

Of course my mind went a million places trying to figure out what I might do. From medicaid (we make just a little too much) to COBRA to begging to be induced at 37 weeks to traveling to a country with socialized medicine. If it was an option, no matter how ridiculous or unrealistic, I thought of it.

Thankfully I didn’t need to freak out and will be able to keep my insurance after all. I just found that out this afternoon and as soon as I heard I burst into happy tears. No one should have to worry that they’ll go bankrupt for bringing a child into the world. We never ever would have gotten pregnant if we thought there was a chance we’d lose our insurance. But it worked out and I can go back to being nervous about bringing this child into the world for all the right reasons.

As what I only can imagine was a result of the stress I got sick again this week. Nothing unmanageable, I’m still off my medicine, but enough for my body to remind me of who’s the boss. Hint, it’s not me.

Other than all that it was a relatively busy week. We started our Bradley classes and so far it seems like I’ll like it. Reading the books I was a bit nervous that it would be over the top (Bradley talks about anything other than a completely natural birth being not a birthday but a delivery-day. Uh, what?) but our instructor seems really reasonable. She believes in the method, having used it three times herself, but is committed to no judgement. I like that.

I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of protein I’m supposed to consume and while I’ve been writing down my food I haven’t tallied up total protein yet. I have a feeling I’ve been failing miserably despite eating what feels like ALL THE EGGS. Of course it didn’t help that I got sick and have been having aversions to most meat. Peanut butter, yogurt, milk and eggs are my BFFs at the moment. I hope that’s enough.

I think that’s all in pregnancy news this week. I know I said I would be getting posts up other than these once a week updates but with the way things were going I couldn’t find a time where it felt right to publish what I’d written. So, after the holidays? That’s the plan anyway.

I hope everyone who celebrates has a wonderful Christmas. See you next week with what I can only assume will be a much bigger belly. Christmas food, ya know.

26 weeks

So, exciting news, I haven’t taken a pill since last Friday. That’s a whole week! I am so freaking excited. I’ve still been nauseous which is less than fun but I haven’t actually gotten sick. I didn’t say anything online all week because I didn’t want to jinx it but I think I can declare myself officially weaned off the anti-nausea medication. Wee!

I’m feeling way bigger this week. My grandpa lovingly tells me I’m getting fat every time I see him. If it were anyone else on the planet that would probably make me burst into tears but somehow my grandpa can say it and it comes off as endearing. He’s a special man. Joel also kindly pointed out that I’ve started to waddle a bit sometimes. This is due to my lower back pain so it’s not all the time but now that he said it I’ve started to notice myself doing it. It concerns me a bit that I’ve started pregnant walking already because I feel like I have such a long way to go. I’d love to find a chiropractor in my area but since we have an HMO I’ve put off going through that process. I’d also love to find one that uses an activator as that’s the technique I was raised on but that might be asking too much. If anyone in the Chicago area has a suggestion though I’d love it.

This week I found out something that kind of surprised me. I don’t hate it when people I know touch my belly. I really thought I would but honestly? I kind of love it. Now, I have yet to have a stranger do it. I’ve joked that if a stranger comes up and touches my stomach I’m going to just do it right back to them. We’ll see if I’m brave enough if/when the time comes though.

Other than that it’s been a relatively low key week and that’s fine with me. I know the holidays are zooming towards me and that will be it’s own form of crazy. And of course I want zero excitement at all times pregnancy wise. I have felt occasional tightness which I can only assume are braxton hicks contractions. They’re never painful or remotely regular but they sure are a strange sensation. I also get paranoid every once in awhile because I read too many stories online and if I don’t feel Baby Boy move for a while I get nervous. Of course as soon as I get nervous he starts doing acrobatics and proves I’m just driving myself crazy and should probably stop reading Baby Center and other blogs. But I’m already addicted so too late.

When I said I was going to do these updates once a week I planned to do more than just these updates. I have a few stories from early in the pregnancy sitting in my drafts and a rather funny experience trying on clothes from last week so I’ll try to get some of those up between these updates.

25 Weeks

Woah, belly. I feel like as of this week it really no longer qualifies as a bump, this is full on belly. For the record, I’m loving it. Well, I vary between getting used to it and loving it. I feel huge even though I know I’m not, you know, for being six months pregnant.

I’m feeling pretty well most of the time. Still thankful for my anti-nausea medicine but I’m starting the process of weaning off of it. Apparently since I’ve been on it for so long stopping taking it can actually cause some nausea. That’s a fun little twist. But I talked with the midwife today and she gave me a plan so hopefully I’ll be off it by the end of the month. That would be AH-mazing.

Speaking of midwives I had an appointment today and met the final one of the practice I’ve been going to. I love her. I love all of them actually. All of them are great at taking time to listen and answer all my questions. They are also great at explaining the purpose of the tests they’d like me to take and presenting everything as an option, not a requirement. I’m not anti-testing at all. Give me all the tests! I want to know All The Things! But even still it’s nice to feel like it’s my choice.

I’m also measuring right on track and everything looks good so far. When the midwife went to check my stomach baby boy gave her a few good kicks and then proceeded to swim away from the doppler every time she got a decent reading on his heartbeat. I have an opinionated baby already. Wee!

I got orders for my gestational diabetes test. I’m dreading that a bit to be honest. I’m going to be so pissed if I find out I have GD right before Christmas. I want all the eggnog! And pie! And Nutella… but that really isn’t Christmas related I just want it. Anyway, cross your fingers for me because after 5 months of barely being able to choke down food I would love to get a break in the food department.

This pregnancy feels like it’s starting to fly by. I suppose feeling well has something to do with it. The first half dragged on and on and now my next appointment (in three weeks) will be the beginning of my third trimester. And then we’ll switch to appointments every other week.

It’s like this pregnancy is planning on being over in a few months and then I’ll actually have a real human child to take care of, 24/7. Hold me.

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