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Month: June 2012

Betrayal

I have always struggled with body image issues.

The miscarriage has only made my body hate so much worse. I feel completely betrayed by my body. I’m so angry with it still. Not only could it not develop a normal pregnancy but it couldn’t figure out there was no baby growing. It made me so nauseous I could barely function while I knew there was no chance of a healthy baby.

Then, it bled for almost a full week longer than what the doctor told me I could expect. Not enough to be dangerous or even worrisome. Just enough to be annoying and make me miserable.

Then I finally got a bit of a break only to have the mother of all deluges for my first period “back.” I ruined a pair of pants, a set of sheets and countless underwear because I simply wasn’t prepared for this uncommonly heavy “welcome back to fertility.”

That finally ended and I hoped my body would even things out. In the in between Joel and I still weren’t trying but we weren’t exactly careful either.

The day my next period was due I spotted a bit so I prepared myself for another deluge like last time. I walked around for four days with basically a diaper on only to have barely another spot show up. Then things stopped altogether. Pregnancy tests kept coming back negative and so I found myself in a weird limbo of did I just finish the lightest period of my life or am I secretly pregnant already? I knew if I was pregnant the fact that I didn’t even get the faintest of lines on a test was not a good sign for viability.

One week later my questions were answered with yet another ruined pair of underwear. Turns out my period just decided to show up a full week late for the first time in my entire life. FUN! This one wasn’t quite as Niagara Falls as the last one so at least there’s that.

Then(!) two days ago I woke up, stepped out of bed and yelped because my ankle hurt so much. It felt like I sprained it. Except there’s no swelling and I have no memory of doing anything to injure it. It’s still the same today and I have no idea what’s going on. Luckily I have another week off dance before the summer session starts. It’s already stopping me from working out. If this mystery injury doesn’t clear up soon though it’s going to keep me from doing the one thing that’s been keeping me sane.

I just want to know when my body will be done messing with my head. I feel like I just start to heal and then my body pulls some other form of torture out to undo all of it. It makes me terrified to start trying again.

Logically I’m pretty sure I know my body is not actually out to get me. That doesn’t help me feel any less betrayed by it though.

I don’t know how to do this

I stopped posting because I felt lost on what to say.

I’m still lost.

Physically I feel fine other than the fact that I ate my feelings (they tasted like Nutella and nachos in case you were wondering) and am at my heaviest weight ever, in my life. Ugh. I’m trying to dig my way out of that though. I’ve been dancing a couple hours a week and thanks to The Biggest Loser becoming available on Netflix I’ve been inspired to start doing the 30 Day Shred with Joel. Joel of course dropped 10 pounds just by thinking about it. I on the other hand haven’t lost a pound and can’t really fit into any of my jeans still. Wee!

Luckily it’s been warm so I’ve been living in stretchy shorts and jersey dresses and I’m hoping the extra activity will show up on my waist line soon.

Emotionally I’m a lot more iffy. I expected to be experiencing less ups and downs since it’s not so fresh. Unfortunately that’s not the case. Surprisingly (to me anyway) I seem to be experiencing even more up and downs lately.

I posted a status the other day that said  that I feel like I’m buried in sad lately and every time I claw my way out and start to see light something new gets piled back on. It’s overwhelming.

I just wish I could talk about it. It’s not that I don’t have several people who are more than willing to listen. I have someone from a miscarriage organization that called me and I cannot make myself call her back. It’s been so long I feel guilty which makes it worse. I have many friends that have offered to listen if I want to talk. I just don’t know what to say. What is there to say?

It sucks. I hate that it happened. I’m sad. I’m scared of it happening again. I’m angry with my body.

That doesn’t take long to say. I’ve said it all before. What else is there to say?

So I don’t call anyone. And even if I did I have a tendency to act fine when people ask so I’m not sure it would help. Not that I’m trying to be fake, I just don’t know what to say other than, “Yep, it still sucks.”

So what do I do? Will I still heal if I can’t really talk about it? I want nothing more than to heal and have this make me stronger person. Is talking an essential part of healing? And if so, how do I talk about it? How?

I just don’t know how to do this.

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