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No baby

Sitting in the dark of the examine room, listening through the thin walls to the happy sounds of chatter and some other baby’s heartbeat from the next room I again saw nothing more than a void where there should have been a baby on the ultrasound screen. And I cried. I had talked myself into knowing there wouldn’t be anything there. But as I looked at the screen and saw and heard nothing I realized I still had hoped it was all just a mistake. No mistake though, there’s no baby.

Now I have the choice of waiting for things to pass naturally or scheduling a D&C. There are slight risks of damage from a D&C but it is the way I’m leaning as waiting for a painful bloody end is not at all appealing. There are risks to waiting (infection and even cancer) too so I think I’d rather just get it over with.

I feel so cold saying get it over with but there’s no baby there, there never was so I’m really over feeling pregnant. Thankfully the last few days the nausea has slowly been easing up. I just want this whole awful thing behind me though.

I feel so robbed by all this. I know it happens to a lot of people but it’s still so fucking unfair. I was so happy and now I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I feel like something is pressing on my shoulders and chest and I’m thisclose to crying at any moment. My innocence is gone and that can’t be gotten back. If When I get pregnant again how am I going to be excited? How can I feel anything but terrified going into another ultrasound? What if it happens again? What if there’s something wrong with me? Too many questions and zero answers.

Don’t tell me everything will be fine because you don’t know that. There’s no way anyone can know that. Don’t tell me there will be something better. Don’t tell me it’s all part of some stupid plan. It’s all bullshit. This whole situation is complete bullshit and that’s all there is to it.

It’s weird how this pregnancy never felt real and now that I know it wasn’t real it doesn’t feel real that it’s gone. Did that sentence even make sense?  Nothing really makes sense to me anymore.

Can I just wake up when all this is over please?

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11 Comments

  1. Suz

    Hugs. Nothing but hugs & love. & prayers. You will get through this.

  2. Hilary

    Hugs to you. I know nothing we say helps, but know that you aren’t alone. I had 2 “non-viable” pregnancies. 1 time a d&c and another time I miscarried naturally. Neither choice is easy & sometimes you just need closure. Thinking of you!!!

  3. Anna Sandos

    Abby…..so sorry for your loss…so very sorry…..

  4. I’m so sorry about your loss. That must be absolutely devastating. Lots of prayers to you and Joel.

    When you are ready…

    (Please reread that last sentence and the next one…)

    WHEN YOU ARE READY:

    Two of my close friends went through this a while back. It might help to find a miscarriage support group or just find someone else who has had one to talk to, if that’s something you want to do.

    My close friend that went through this blogged the whole way through. This is the recap, and if you are up to it, scroll to the bottom and go backwards. She is very honest and you might be able to resonate.

    No obligation of course, but I’ve always found that once I’m able to come up to breath after a bad period in my life, it’s always nice to read someone out there, even if it’s a stranger who I’ll never talk to, feels how I do.

    http://sarahandrobbbigtrouble.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-bleeping-year-its-been.html

    Anyway, lots of love. Hang in there.

    • Gramma

      Dear Abigurl,
      I lost my first one too. And several more between viable pregnancies. I miss every one of them. I named them all Benjamin and they are close to my heart.
      Love gets you through this.
      Gramma

  5. Christina Katona

    Hey Abigail,
    I cried as i read your post here. I also went through two miscarriages naturally and still feel the same way you do right this minute. Only God can come and fill that void for you. It helps to talk it out to someone who has been through the same thing and just cry your heart out. When you asked, how will i ever feel excited again if i get pregnant again?, trust me you will. My husband and i are expecting now and are thrilled. We were scarred and not as excited in the beginning just because of there is always that possibility of what if, but we are now past that part and can’t wait. I will be praying for you guys!! God will answer yours and Joels desire to have a baby in due time. He never breaks His promises!! Love you guys and if you need anything I am here for you !
    -Christina

  6. Tanya Sadagopan

    Abigail,
    Thank you for being beautifully authentic. You show enormous courage by sharing your struggle and pain with others. There is a buddhist practice of compassion that says you can take your own suffering and the walk through it and connect it to others who share in that same journey. When we do this we are reminded that even in our pain, others can be lifted up by it, and so too ourselves. Your blog is real and I admire you for it. Pain is a powerful force and the more we can completely feel it, the more likely we will not be defined by it.
    Much love and blessings,
    Tanya

  7. Maria Crosby

    Dear Abigail,
    Dan and I have been through this, and it’s very painful, probably the most difficult thing we have ever been through. Our baby would be about nine years old right now. I actually delivered the baby at home, held it, and then took it to the clinic to have it tested to find out if it was a boy or girl and to find out what went wrong. Unfortunately, the clinic “lost” our baby and so we never knew if it was a boy or girl. Are you ever the same? No. But hopefully through what we went through we are stronger and better because of it. We literally had to take one hour at a time at first, then one day, and so on. We had a choice to make whether to move forward and hope and believe again or to stay where we were in our hurt and pain. We chose to trust God that He would help us through that tragic time for us and that there were better days ahead. I don’t know what is in store for your future, but God loves you and Joel and knows the desires that are in your hearts.
    As I’ve read the comments from others, you have some amazing friends with a lot of wisdom. Take the time to listen to what others have to say even though right now you may feel like shutting everyone and everything out. You can gain strength from others right now. Allow this to bring you and Joel closer and others closer. Dan and I love you both and are praying for you. Hope we can see you soon.

  8. Jonathon Edwards

    Abby and Joel. You’re absolutely right. This will never be ok. It isn’t fair. It’s complete and utter bullshit. What I do believe, though, is that while this will never be ok, you will be. Until that day arrives, though, know that complete and utter strangers share your grief and are praying for you and loving you and hoping for you.

  9. Abigail, I have just caught up on your devastating news, and I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing a pregnancy is heartbreaking on its own, but losing the innocence of your first, joyful, excited step into motherhood … it’s something that will change you forever. Sometimes the change turns for the good, sometimes it doesn’t. I hope and pray you and Joel can find peace and comfort in each other. Take care of yourselves and each other. xoxo

  10. Oh, Abigail.
    I am so incredibly sorry. I just left you a comment on SkyWaitress and I wish I could go back and erase it before you see it.

    We went through this between Katie and Matthew. It was the most difficult thing that I have ever been through. We were 8 weeks when they told us we had no heartbeat. I went home and wanted to die.

    Each day was easier, but it still hurts.

    I pray that you are able to heal from this and that you reach the point where you’re able to put yourself out there again. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have Matthew.

    I’m here if you ever want to talk to someone who went through it. If you ever just want someone to cry to, I’m here.

    Sending you love and hugs. And understanding.

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