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You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

We have a doctor

Well today went fabulously. The practice is warm and friendly and everyone was very nice and put me at ease. We met with a nurse practitioner who doesn’t actually do deliveries but she was so bubbly and easy to talk to. She took the time to answer all of my questions and I loved her answers which is probably even more important. Joel was pretty quiet (except about the floors. They had these natural looking cork floors and whenever we were alone he went on and on about how cool they were. He even took a picture. He makes me giggle.) but when we left he said he felt really good about everything as well.

We set up our next appointment with the actual OB to do an ultrasound and measure exactly how far along the baby is. According to the chart I’m due on October 18th but once we do the ultrasound and measure the fetus things will be much more official. I think once we finally get an ultrasound things will start to sink in. With barely any symptoms it’s hard to believe I’m actually pregnant still. It feels like a dream I’m going to wake up from at any moment or something.

Speaking of dreams, I’m a bit embarrassed that I had my first real panic last night about all this. I haven’t been sleeping very well at night lately but since I knew I had to get up in time for my appointment I tried to force myself to go to bed and sleep. I tossed and turned for ages and all I had to do was lie there and think. Of course the mind hardly ever goes to happy fun places when you’re desperately trying to sleep while watching the hours left until the alarm goes off get shorter and shorter.

I started to think about what a big freaking deal this is. I mean, I’m going to be responsible for a human! And they’re never safe. Ever! I’ve been around the internet enough to know that tragedies happen and it’s rarely expected. Once we make it past the first trimester it doesn’t make my pregnancy safe. And then once the pregnancy is over I have this tiny fragile person to keep alive. And on and on it goes.

Of course I also thought about how worthless I am without sleep. And what really made me panic was the thought that come October I’m never going to sleep again. Ever. And then I had the horrible thought that I wished I could take it all back. I love my life the way it is and why in the world would I want to change it? Which of course made me feel horribly guilty. This of course made me cry even harder. I’m so lucky to have a wonderful husband that noticed my crying and rolled over to cuddle me and help me feel better and I fell asleep shortly after.

Poor guy isn’t even a dad yet and he’s already getting woken up by a sobbing human. At least I’m fully potty trained.

Of course in the light of day everything seems brighter. I’m already madly in love with this kid inside me, even though things have still yet to feel really real. Of course I want this baby and would be devastated if anything was wrong. I feel like the worst of persons for even thinking about taking it back. What kind of mother thinks that?

I did think it though and I don’t want to be fake here. It was just a horrible moment brought on by over tiredness and hormones but it was a moment.

Thankfully for the most part I’ve been unreasonably happy. I suppose it’s only natural for things to swing the other way from time to time. Right?

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6 Comments

  1. I cant even remember which one it was but when he was born I thought how surprisingly few children got beaten to dead.
    I cant even write this without immediately wanting to explain.
    there was this child abuse campaign going on with special phone numbers and support lines and websites and stuff and that’s how i learned that in the netherlands. 1 child a week dies of abuse.
    It grossed me out.
    still does.
    but i can imagine someone losing it.
    i can
    the line between normal and abnormal is way thinner than most people think.

    I started throwing furniture from the deck upstairs in the middle of the night.
    the next morning i was at the doctors and said; either you pass me out or you give me something to pass out the baby cos i am going insane. She let me cry and gave me some coughing drink for Timo that helped him sleep better. Robbert took it upon him to sleep in the spare room with timo tucked next to him . That lasted 6 monhs. By the time he was 1 he finally slept a whole night.

    What kept me sane in the end was the realization that even these times were temporarily. Your worst times will come to an end.
    And if this was all the nightmare it sounds, no brothers or sisters would ever be born.

    It’s ok to be swinging from high to low moods. It’s even normal I think. Enjoy your pregnancy, you 2 can do this.
    xxx

  2. I cant even remember which one it was but when he was born I thought how surprisingly few children got beaten to dead.
    I cant even write this without immediately wanting to explain.
    there was this child abuse campaign going on with special phone numbers and support lines and websites and stuff and that’s how i learned that in the netherlands. 1 child a week dies of abuse.
    It grossed me out.
    still does.
    but i can imagine someone losing it.
    i can
    the line between normal and abnormal is way thinner than most people think.

    I started throwing furniture from the deck upstairs in the middle of the night.
    the next morning i was at the doctors and said; either you pass me out or you give me something to pass out the baby cos i am going insane. She let me cry and gave me some coughing drink for Timo that helped him sleep better. Robbert took it upon him to sleep in the spare room with timo tucked next to him . That lasted 6 monhs. By the time he was 1 he finally slept a whole night.

    What kept me sane in the end was the realization that even these times were temporarily. Your worst times will come to an end.
    And if this was all the nightmare it sounds, no brothers or sisters would ever be born.

    It’s ok to be swinging from high to low moods. It’s even normal I think. Enjoy your pregnancy, you 2 can do this.
    xxx

  3. Jeez, i made my point didnt I?
    I have no idea how to delete one of them but please do 😉

  4. I remember a nightmare I had when pregnant with my twins. I dreamed they were locked in a car, strapped in their carseats and I couldn’t find the car!! I guess that was my brain saying I was worried I couldn’t be trusted with kids!

    Seriously, who CAN be trusted with another little human to care for when we can barely keep ourselves clean and fed! Luckily, my twins are now 16 and have never been locked in a car alone where I couldn’t find them. They may have gotten into all other kids of situations I was desperately afraid of, but they lived through it.

    Remember, the vast majority of kids do survive despite their parents. And even perfect parents are NOT perfect! You’ll be great. Pregnancy really makes your brain do strange things and stresses you out! Happens to all of us. Bless you for worrying. 🙂

  5. Congrats on the baby!! How exciting!

    I remember when I was pregnant with my first every single week was something new to worry about. After the first ultrasound I was a wreck until the second and so on.

    Once the baby arrives though, you get over it pretty quickly. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation! 😉

  6. Oh, I don’t think there is a more exciting, more angst ridden, more totally involved time in a woman’s life as the first baby.

    It’s the biggest thing that ever happened to me.

    Enjoy it, and revel in it, I am very happy for you.

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