You Only Live Once, This Is How I'm Doing It!

Embracing the sad

There was a time I didn’t know how to cry. I noticed when I was 10. I was in a movie (part of a college student’s portfolio) and couldn’t muster up any of the tears that were necessary to play my part.

I faked it, but not well. Oscar worthy performance it was not.

But after that it became my mission to teach myself to cry.

Ironically it was around that time that my world turned upside down. My mom got sick and suddenly wasn’t around much anymore. That’s a story for a different time but my lack of emotion became really obvious. Things were happening that I should have cried over but I was like a rock. Just, nothing.

I couldn’t feel a thing.

I know now I was probably protecting myself. The thing was, I realized that while not feeling the pain was nice I also never really felt any good emotions either. I was blank. Empty.

Empty is so much worse than pain.

I can’t remember my exact journey away from numbness. I don’t think I ever had an epiphany that woke me up. But I did wake up. I taught myself to cry. Crying is a cleansing act. When your capacity for feeling reaches new lows it also reaches new highs. It’s impossible for it to go one way.

It’s been so long since I inadvertently learned that lesson that I’d kind of forgotten it. I’ve read several posts recently about being alone and finding a group, etc. They make me sad. I still have yet to find my “tribe.”

It’s something I want so badly and feeling sad about it all the time sucks.  Tonight I found myself sitting here wishing I could just shut that part of me off and not feel sad anymore. Just be numb.

But then it came rushing back to me. Numb isn’t all that great either. In fact, it probably sucks more.

So I’m embracing the sad. I accept that it’s part of who I am right now. I know, like everything this will pass. I will move on and grow and change and all that. I’ll look back on this lonely time and remember how much it sucked.

I’m guessing it’s like dating. When you want a relationship so fucking desperately it tends to elude. Relationships, at least good ones, seem to come to those who aren’t actively looking for one.

I have a feeling that once I embrace this feeling and become comfortable with my situation that’s when I’ll find my place. I will cry my cleansing tears and I will stop being ashamed of how I feel.

I’m lonely.

I’m sad.

I want a group of friends.

That is okay.

I will have a group someday.

And when I have that and I’m sitting around having coffee with friends and laughing until our stomachs hurt. Or reaching over to text my friend something neat that happened. Or being there to listen when my friend is hurting I will feel that too.

If the low of being lonely hurts this much then the high of finally finding my tribe is going to be pretty amazing.


A day in my life


A real boy


  1. BringUpBee

    Oh Abigail, I can relate to not knowing your tribe. I have struggled my entire life on making close friends. I’m good on the computer, real life not so much (which you’ll find out ).

    I too wait for that day I’ll feel like I really belong.

    Hugs, and know you aren’t alone.

  2. skywaitress

    @BringUpBee Hugs back at ya, and thank you. Seriously. I’m so glad to have met you on my computer and can’t wait until November when it’s finally “IRL”. My goal for when you come is officially to convince you that Chicago is the most awesome place every and that you must move immediately 😉

  3. I feel the same way! Almost every day. I’m so glad I have you as my sister, although I really wish you lived close enough for us to share every day life together like dance classes and working out = p love you!!!!!

  4. PS: I know what you feel about the numbness, and the choosing not to feel certain things. I will admit, I am stil trying to get out of it completely. But, living life numb is no life at all. Feel every awful, painful minute of it, at least then you know you are really, truly alive.

    • Yes, never let the numbness take over. I’m so glad I have you as a sister. Especially now that I’m realizing just how alike we are. You’re amazing.

      We’ll live near each other one day, even if I have to make it happen myself. (don’t ask me how, I haven’t figured that part out yet.)

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