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In and out

All too often lately I become very aware of my own breathing. Awake in the middle of the night, thoughts racing, I realize my heart beat matches the speed of my thoughts and it too is racing. I realize my breath is coming short and fast.

I try to focus on steadying it.

In…. out… in… out….

Sometimes it’s calming. Other times my thoughts take over again until I realize my heart is again beating a mile a minute.

Refocus.

In…. out… in… out…

All too often I get the sensation of falling.

Or drowning.

I want to let loose and screeeeam.

Nothing comes.

My scream is caught between my soul and my vocal cords.

Just nothing.

Nothing but a racing heart and shallow quick breaths.

I’ve been alone a lot lately. Both physically and mentally.

The worst is being alone in a big group of people. Knowing that you’re the only one on your side. Being talked down to and criticized for every move. Always having to second guess everything I do. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Eggshells hurt my feet.

But when I’m physically alone, that’s when I want to let loose. I’ve even tried screaming.

I can’t.

I work so hard to be excellent in my life. I make mistakes like everyone else of course but overall I felt like I do a pretty great job.

Until everything fell apart.

Now I’m left alone. Just a tangled ball of silent screams and unwept tears. Wanting more than anything to release the frustrations that so often leaves my heart sprinting so fast that I have to remember to catch my breath.

In…. out… in… out…

I focus on the feeling of my pants tightening and loosening around my waist with each slow, deliberate breath.

In… out… in… out…

It’s all going to be ok. But I’m left wondering, is it really worth this fight? Is it worth the stress? Will I feel worse about giving up than I do right now?

I’m not a quitter… I’m not.

In… out… in… out…

(p.s. oh hey blog, I missed you.)

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5 Comments

  1. I want to hug you! I wish I had good words to make things okay. You're amazing and I hope things get better for you soon.

  2. i dont want to pry (hope thats the right word) and i dont want you to spill it out on the net, but you and Joel are ok right? You have me worried.

    • Joel and I are ok. We have our rough times as I'm sure every couple does but he is amazing and is always there when I need him. This post thankfully has nothing to do with him.

      I'll be fine too. Just some really stressful stuff going on that I have to work out. Wish I didn't have to be so vague but that's the bummer of not blogging anonymously.

      Thanks for your concern. Give everyone my love.

  3. I send you hugs. We all go through our ups and downs, but recognizing the downs is important so we can learn and grow from them.

    As someone who had to basically start their life over in their mid twenties, because things got worse than one can imagine, and I didn't recognize the downs in enough time, it does get better, and you are a step ahead of the rest.

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