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Month: December 2010 (Page 2 of 4)

Again?

I’m sick.  Like, really sick.

This is the third time I’ve been sick since this fall.

This is ridiculous.

I need to get my immune system up because getting sick every three weeks or so is definitely not ok with me.

Joel has been so incredibly sweet and concerned. He’s basically been by my side all day getting me cool washcloths, rubbing my back and encouraging me to drink water. He takes such good care of me even when I’m a half delusional feverish mess.

I’m hoping this is a 24 hour thing. I’m also hoping I don’t share this with Joel. It’s pretty miserable.

Orange Roses

Joel and I have been having a hard time lately. I’m working so much more than we were used to. My job is really important to me and I want to do it well. I just wish my marriage wasn’t suffering as a result.

I was worried that Joel had lost interest in me completely until I came home to this.

The orange rose has mainly come to be regarded as the symbol for desire, enthusiasm and passion. Being a literal mixture of the colors yellow and red, orange roses [are] often seen as a bridge between the feelings of friendship symbolized by yellow roses, and love associated with red roses. – ProFlowers.com

He even told me the reason he picked orange flowers. He said we’ve had the perfect balance of love and friendship and he thinks we can get it back again.

Just the right amount of cheese.

I love him.

Not so relaxing

I thought hanging out and having a glass of wine would be relaxing. Instead it was way more stressful and dramatic than I ever could have imagined.

I need a break.

I don’t see myself getting one anytime soon.

That sucks.

Where are you Christmas?

This year I just haven’t been into Christmas. I started out excited but I could never get into it. Now it’s a week away and I’m just… completely neutral about it. Not excited, not dreading, just kind of numb to the whole thing.

Actually that could kind of describe my outlook on life right now. Meh.

It’s kind of a bummer way to feel. I can’t figure out why either.

I need some suggestions on how to snap out of this funk, if you can still call it a funk. Otherwise I’m going to end up in the nut house. I can’t keep this up forever.

In an attempt to rev my Christmas spirit I’m going to list what I’m excited about.

1. Seeing my sister Liz and nephew Hunter. They moved to California a year ago and I miss them x billion. I haven’t seen them since I visited them last January. (btw click that link and watch the video. It’s still makes me laugh out loud.) They arrive next Wednesday night and I cannot wait to see them.

2. Christmas eve dinner with my grandparents and extended family. Always a good time. My family is amazing.

3. The food. Gosh I love holiday meals. I literally just finished eating a second ago and the thought of having a holiday meal is making me drool all over this keyboard. Mmmm

4. Christmas morning at my mom and dad’s. Again with my family being amazing.

5. Christmas night with Joel’s family. It’s going to be a little different since so far we’ve always spent all day Christmas with my family. But I got really lucky with my in-laws and so it will be fun to see them.

6. Christmas movies. I’ve watched some but I’m looking forward to watching my favorites: A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Grinch, Home Alone, all the claymation specials etc. I’m sure those will put me in more of a Christmas mood.

I actually feel better already. This year it’s not about presents, it’s about spending time with the people I love the most. That should be enough to get anyone out of a funk.

Hidden honesty

There are some things I want need to write about. However, it’s hard to be honest when I know certain people would think so much less of me. So I did something I’ve never done. I password protected my post for today. I don’t plan on making it a habit so don’t worry. If you’d like the password you can email me: abigail at skywaitress dot com.

Tomorrow it will be back to regularly scheduled blogging. Thanks for understanding.

Protected: Downward spiral

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Happy Birthday Jenny

We love you!

Never Broken

I feel beaten. So hurt, so angry… broken.

There are moments when I want to throw my hands up. I really want to not care so much. If only there was a switch to turn off my mind. To stop caring so fucking much.

But I will not be broken. I refuse.

I am nothing if not strong. So no matter how hurt I feel I won’t give up. I’m extremely stubborn.

I know what is worth fighting for…

But is all this fighting even going to get me anywhere? I have to believe it will.

Otherwise I’m just a stubborn fool.

That’s also possible… but I hope not.

He is…

…the love of my life.

Brain exercise

I can’t believe it’s 13 December already. In thirteen days Christmas will be over. In less than three weeks 2010 will be gone.

That’s kind of insane, am I right?

What’s even crazier? I’m 18 days away from my goal of blogging every day for a year. That’s 347 blog posts so far. I don’t think I’ve stuck with anything this long. At least not every single day.

I’m the type of person who gets really excited about something and invests in it 1000% and then burn out and abandon it after awhile. I’m a hot or cold kind of person. I do nothing halfway. If I’m in I’m in. If I’m not I couldn’t be less interested. It can be a good quality.

It can also be a real pain.

When I started blogging last year on 1 January I don’t think I expected to last a year. I knew it was going to be one of my goals but I had six years. Or five I guess since I had to actually blog for a whole year before I could say I completed the goal. I tend to put things off until the last minute and I didn’t have any reason to think this goal would be any exception.

Somehow I made it a whole month of blogging daily, almost without meaning to. I even blogged from Cancun which is kind of a big deal because it wasn’t easy to find internet access.

Looking back I realized part of what helped was giving up my perfectionist tendencies and allowing myself to post about “nothing”. I used to only post big important things. Each post had to be perfect. This past year I let that go a little.

I try to make my posts as interesting as possible. Let’s face it though, interesting things don’t happen every single day of the year. Sometimes days are just dull. Or sometimes you have a million things on your mind but because you’re not anonymous you can’t write about those things honestly. Or at all.

Those days are my brain exercise.

Forcing a post out on those days can be as easy as 100 crunches. Maybe for someone who is super awesome that’s not a big deal but for me and my flabby abs it can be real work.

It’s such a satisfying feeling when I’ve completed another post though. Especially if I felt like I had nothing at all to say and somehow managed to end up with a pretty fantastic post. Or at least fantastic in my opinion. I’m kind of biased.

Some of my best, most honest posts have come from sitting down and just letting my fingers move across the keyboard. Letting my brain and heart spill onto the page can be uncomfortable. Being open and honest doesn’t come easy for me anymore. Letting the world into my soul is hard.

But when I make magic on these pages it’s worth it.

When someone responds that they know exactly what I mean because they’ve been there too it’s worth it.

Every day is a post that gets me closer to my goal and that makes me feel amazing.

The fact that I actually can set a goal and stick to it? Worth it.

Today was another brain exercise. I don’t have any writing prompts to set me up. No memes to play along with. No big events are going on in my life. I don’t have a silly video or picture to share.

It’s just another writing exercise for my brain. I’ve come way too far to give up now.

I have a feeling the next two and a half weeks are going to be tricky.

Holidays make for easy blog content. But minds that are full of work and feelings far too personal to share with the world do not.

I know I’ll continue blogging after my year of every day posts is complete. I doubt I’ll continue to post every single day though. It would be nice to have a break every once in awhile. I do want to set some sort of goal that pushes me.

Because these brain exercises are tough but they sure are rewarding.

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