I’m so stressed out I can physically feel it. Like a tight grip across my chest. I’m sure that’s why I’m fighting one of the worst sore throats I’ve ever had in my life.
I hate feeling stupid.
I’m just overwhelmed.
The worst part is, the one person who can help me hates me.
So that’s basically no help at all.
I’ve noticed my heart racing at random times lately. Even when I’m just lying down.
That can’t be good.
It’s probably because my mind never stops going a mile a minute.
I never do anything halfway. Whatever I do I throw myself into 100%.
I can’t stand screwing up or making mistakes.
I want to be perfect.
Except I’m not.
But the idea of disappointing people in my life….
I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
I have to. I refuse to fail. All I need is a little more information. I just need to actually do certain things once and then it will be fine.
It will be nice when I don’t have someone undercutting me and trying to make me look bad at every turn. That’s really tough.
The irony is, by trying to screw me over it’s only made me look better and made them look like an ass. So not the most effective sabotage.
However, to my morale? It’s been relatively effective. My mind is constantly racing trying to catch mistakes before they happen. I feel like at any moment I’m going to fail and fall out of good graces.
It makes me feel like throwing up.
I want to do well but it’s starting to wear on me. I’m not ready to give up, not by a long shot. I just feel like I’ve been waiting for things to get better for months and I’m still waiting.
Overall I’m very positive. Things are vastly better than they used to be. There’s still so far to go and if I let myself focus on that too much I’m afraid I’ll drown in those thoughts.
My goal right now is to keep smiling. No matter what. Amazingly a smile, even when it starts out faked, can turn a day from bad to good. It improves my mood almost without me realizing it.
You just can’t smile and have a bad day.
Or at least that’s the idea.