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You Only Live Once, This Is How I’m Doing It!

Raw

A mutual friend hurt a friend of mine the other day. It was one of those out of the blue, WTF?! kind of moments. Not that I thought I was, but it reminded me how far I am from healed from my past friendship wounds. I cried and cried for her and the unfairness that had happened. It wasn’t my fight, my getting involved would have only made things worse so there was nothing I could do other than listen and cry.

People are so stupid and mean and hurtful. It’s even worse when it’s unexpected. Then I feel stupid for not expecting it. For not seeing the oncoming hurt and avoiding it. For allowing myself to be totally blindsided by the situation. It wasn’t even directed at me. But I hurt for my friend.

I’m fiercely loyal. I become vicious towards people who hurt those that I love. Most personal hurt I can move past fairly easily. Hurt someone I love and I will cut you.* Not being able to do anything makes me crazy. Because nothing I could do would make any difference.

So I just sit here, reeling in anger and feeling cut to the core. I want to shake them and scream at them for their idiotic behavior. I want to demand an explanation and if it’s not good enough (which it almost certainly wouldn’t be) demand an apology. At the very least I want to force them to look at what they’ve done, to make them feel the pain that they’ve caused. They should not just be allowed to walk away.

Then suddenly I realize in my venomous haze that the anger isn’t totally directed towards that person anymore. I’m angry at the one who hurt me. Again. It’s no longer about protecting a friend, it’s about protecting myself. Even though my situation is long over. And this realization makes me even more angry. I shouldn’t hurt this much. My friend shouldn’t hurt this much. Neither of us did anything deserving of this.

But it is what it is. Those people get to walk away and move on with their lives while we stand with wounds that refuse to heal no matter what. And part of the reason they refuse to heal? Because of stupid people that keep ripping them open at the least expected moments.

*Obviously not actually. But I’ll want to.

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8 Comments

  1. 🙁 *big tight hugs* Sometimes that helps. I'm so, so sorry for your pain.

    • Thanks for the hugs. Those are always good. Now I just have to figure out how to move on. It's hard when I feel like every time I make progress I get yanked back to this place again. It's getting old. ::sigh::

  2. I know exactly how you feel!! Well said!

  3. Kari

    I know how you feel. It's been over a year now since I was viciously betrayed and attacked by my best friend. And since then I have had to stay so far away from her that I have lost many other friends in the process. How do you ever get over it?? I feel like she ruined a large part of my life. People tell me that I am letting her win by avoiding other people and places she might be. But the thought of seeing her hurts too much to bear. I don't want to lose even more of our mutual friends, but at the same time I am also upset with them for not cutting her off, for not seeing how she betrays and hurts so many people on purpose. You are not alone.

    • It is so hard feeling like they're winning by avoiding them. But it DOES hurt too much otherwise, I totally get that.

      Part of my problem is we're kinda sorta related and so it isn't possible for me to never hear about this person. For me, this hurts more than any romantic break up ever did. I really thought if any friendship could last forever it would be this one. And it didn't. Kind of hard to pick up the pieces from it.

      It's nice to know I'm not alone. And also sad because that means you're hurting like I am and that sucks. I have nothing to offer other than virtual hugs and the hope that we both will eventually heal.

      If you want to talk more definitely email me. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. abigail (at) skywaitress (dot) com

  4. I know exactly how you feel!!! Well said!

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