A mutual friend hurt a friend of mine the other day. It was one of those out of the blue, WTF?! kind of moments. Not that I thought I was, but it reminded me how far I am from healed from my past friendship wounds. I cried and cried for her and the unfairness that had happened. It wasn’t my fight, my getting involved would have only made things worse so there was nothing I could do other than listen and cry.
People are so stupid and mean and hurtful. It’s even worse when it’s unexpected. Then I feel stupid for not expecting it. For not seeing the oncoming hurt and avoiding it. For allowing myself to be totally blindsided by the situation. It wasn’t even directed at me. But I hurt for my friend.
I’m fiercely loyal. I become vicious towards people who hurt those that I love. Most personal hurt I can move past fairly easily. Hurt someone I love and I will cut you.* Not being able to do anything makes me crazy. Because nothing I could do would make any difference.
So I just sit here, reeling in anger and feeling cut to the core. I want to shake them and scream at them for their idiotic behavior. I want to demand an explanation and if it’s not good enough (which it almost certainly wouldn’t be) demand an apology. At the very least I want to force them to look at what they’ve done, to make them feel the pain that they’ve caused. They should not just be allowed to walk away.
Then suddenly I realize in my venomous haze that the anger isn’t totally directed towards that person anymore. I’m angry at the one who hurt me. Again. It’s no longer about protecting a friend, it’s about protecting myself. Even though my situation is long over. And this realization makes me even more angry. I shouldn’t hurt this much. My friend shouldn’t hurt this much. Neither of us did anything deserving of this.
But it is what it is. Those people get to walk away and move on with their lives while we stand with wounds that refuse to heal no matter what. And part of the reason they refuse to heal? Because of stupid people that keep ripping them open at the least expected moments.
*Obviously not actually. But I’ll want to.