One question I get asked a lot is “When are you going to start having kids?” Is it just me or is that basically asking about my sex life? Like, why don’t you just ask what positions are our favorites? Or what kind of birth control we use. Or how often we do it.
While I wish I had the nerve to come back with “I’m not sure. So how’s your sex life?” I generally say something along the lines of “We want kids eventually. We’re just not ready. Yet.”
When Joel and I got married we knew we didn’t want kids right away. We wanted time to really get to know each other better. To laze around the house in all states of undress. To go on a weekend trip on a moments notice. Basically we wanted time to be a fun, young married couple. We said we wanted to wait three to five years.
We’ve been married almost four and a half years.
Ho. ly. crap.
I love, love, love kids. However, if I’m being totally honest I love kids less now than I did in my late teens and early earlier 20’s. Don’t get me wrong. The little kids in my life? Adorable. Love them to death. Can’t imagine my life without them. But there’s always the option to send them to their mother when I don’t want to deal with them.
What will it be like when I’m the mother?
Then there’s the whole sleep issue. When I don’t get enough sleep? Frankly, I’m kind of a bitch. What if I can’t handle the lack of sleep?
What if I don’t like my kid?
I love my freedom. I love having days of doing absolutely nothing at all. Once I’m a mom that’s gone, mostly likely forever.
Am I ready to give that up?
Will I ever be?
Anyway, this is on my mind lately. I definitely want kids. In fact, I kind of want a lot of kids. Now that I’m grown up and close to my siblings I want to give my children the same kind of experience. I’m pretty sure I don’t want 8 like my dad but definitely more than 2.
Actually, I’ve joked that we’ll just keep having kids until we get a bad one. Then we’ll stop.
I’m mostly kidding.
But seriously, I’m scared of having a colicky or difficult baby. Or getting postpartum depression.
I’m really scared that I’ll be a bad mom.
I’m so selfish. Not just sometimes. Most of the time. Growing a baby doesn’t magically change your personality does it?
I mean, even now I get so hurt and frustrated when my mom doesn’t have time for me. I hate not being able to get a hold of her. I’m twenty-freaking-four. Once you’re a mom, you’re always and forever a mom.
I’m just not sure when I’ll ever be ready to go from Me to Mom.
Since we hit that magic we’ve-been-married-for-three-years milestone we keep setting future dates to start trying. When the date comes we get cold feet and push it off further. There’s just so much I want to do.
I want to:
- run a marathon
- pay off our credit cards
- buy a house
- have some money in savings
- get sexy pictures taken of me so I remember my awesome pre baby body
- get in shape enough to where I feel like I have an awesome pre baby body
And ya know, a million other things that always seem to come up. I just don’t know if there will ever be a time that feels like it’s right. I’m afraid if I just keep waiting around to be ready it’s never going to happen.
Someone please tell me how you knew that you were ready. Did you wish you would have waited longer? Not waited as long?
It’s worth it right?
I want to be a young, fun mom. I just keep saying I’m not ready yet. But yet? Just keeps moving.