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Happy

It’s funny how when I’m happy I feel the need to apologize for it. I am so freaking happy. And you know what? I’m not sorry about that.

Not even a little.

But still I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not on my blog anyway. Because that would be like bragging, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, it’s so different from how I was feeling a month ago. A month ago I was seriously starting to wonder if I needed help of the men in white coats sort.

Or at least the kind that comes with happy pills and couches.

It isn’t normal to feel such deep sadness that you cry for days.

For no reason at all.

It makes me feel almost dizzy just thinking about it. It was awful.

The scary thing is, I never figured out why I was so unhappy. All I know is that I’m happy now.

I have a feeling my happiness has a lot to do with the fact that I’m working again. As “nice” as it is to lounge around all day everyday chatting on Twitter and watching my shows I felt useless and lazy. I hate feeling lazy. I consider laziness my biggest flaw.

Now, almost every day I shower, get dressed, smile and interact with humans. My clothes are fitting better even though the number on the scale hasn’t gone down. When I do spend time lazing around the house it’s a treat. There’s still a little guilt but it’s justifiable.

There’s a small undercurrent of unease that follows me around. Like a dark trickle under the surface that threatens to burst at any moment and become the next gulf spill of sadness.

I don’t ever want to go back to the dark place I was in. I also don’t want my happiness to depend on work or other outside factors that I can’t really control. I want my happiness to come from inside of me. That’s a much more elusive kind of happiness.

The good news is, unless I think about really hard I can’t tell the difference between that kind of happy and the kind I am now. I’m content to take the kind of happiness I can get for now though.

Even if there’s a chance it could disappear, it sure is wonderful while it lasts.

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4 Comments

  1. Take this happiness and run with it! Roll in it; revel in it; feel every joyful minute.

    Life has its ups and downs. The people who know how to enjoy happiness when it comes without questioning it live long.

    I have no hard data, but I'm pretty sure that's true.

    I'm so glad you're feeling better. Very glad!

    • Thank you. I'm trying to just enjoy it. Then my brain kicks in. Getting it to shut up is sometimes hard. Which is not that surprising if you know me. (I don't often shut up)

  2. jess; [the bottle chronicles]

    I JUST wrote a post about this today, kinda.
    Sorta.
    Well, maybe not, but I tried to say that I would love a full-time job to make me feel better about myself. I hate feeling like I'm stuck at the bottom of the ladder that everyone else is climbing. I hate saying "I work at a diner part time" to people who are passed the halfway mark on that ladder of success. Cause they look at me, and feel sorry for me, and even though I love my job…I want something…better? ya know?
    I dunnnoooo.

    • I totally get what you're saying. I feel so lame not having gone to college and not having a "real" career. (Even though being a flight attendant TOTALLY is a real career. If only I could actually do it.)

      At least you have a kiddo, it's much worse just being at home for no reason. Being a mom is a hard job. Being a stay at home wife? And a slacker wife at that? Too depressing for words.

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