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Month: August 2010 (Page 1 of 4)

Happy

It’s funny how when I’m happy I feel the need to apologize for it. I am so freaking happy. And you know what? I’m not sorry about that.

Not even a little.

But still I feel like I can’t talk about it. Not on my blog anyway. Because that would be like bragging, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, it’s so different from how I was feeling a month ago. A month ago I was seriously starting to wonder if I needed help of the men in white coats sort.

Or at least the kind that comes with happy pills and couches.

It isn’t normal to feel such deep sadness that you cry for days.

For no reason at all.

It makes me feel almost dizzy just thinking about it. It was awful.

The scary thing is, I never figured out why I was so unhappy. All I know is that I’m happy now.

I have a feeling my happiness has a lot to do with the fact that I’m working again. As “nice” as it is to lounge around all day everyday chatting on Twitter and watching my shows I felt useless and lazy. I hate feeling lazy. I consider laziness my biggest flaw.

Now, almost every day I shower, get dressed, smile and interact with humans. My clothes are fitting better even though the number on the scale hasn’t gone down. When I do spend time lazing around the house it’s a treat. There’s still a little guilt but it’s justifiable.

There’s a small undercurrent of unease that follows me around. Like a dark trickle under the surface that threatens to burst at any moment and become the next gulf spill of sadness.

I don’t ever want to go back to the dark place I was in. I also don’t want my happiness to depend on work or other outside factors that I can’t really control. I want my happiness to come from inside of me. That’s a much more elusive kind of happiness.

The good news is, unless I think about really hard I can’t tell the difference between that kind of happy and the kind I am now. I’m content to take the kind of happiness I can get for now though.

Even if there’s a chance it could disappear, it sure is wonderful while it lasts.

Updated: Best Caption

Updated:

I love all the caption ideas you all left in the comments. Quite clever. I’m still no closer to understanding an actual reason for this ridiculous parking job but at least I got a couple good chuckles out of the deal. Thank you all for playing, I hope it was as fun for you as it was for me.

The caption I chose made me laugh. Loudly. Whoever Andrew is, he knows his audience.

“My wife just landed 45 minutes ago when I was still watching the game”

I seriously need to know what kind of roofing emergency there could have been to warrant this horrendous parking job.

Hazards on and all.

I mean, I want to hope that something was seriously leaking. Although considering the utter lack of rain (notice the beautiful blue skies) I kind of doubt it.

It’s not a swanky car so I doubt he was worried about door nicks. Not to mention the 20 other open parking spaces.

So why? Why would anyone park like this ever? Is it really that hard to pull in at least kinda sorta straight?

I’m thinking this needs to be a caption contest actually. Mostly because I neeeed to know a possible reason for the insanity!

I’ll change the title to the best caption and credit the winner in a post update.

Ready? Go!

Good dog

Phoebe really is such a good dog. She’s tiny but unlike most little dogs get isn’t nippy and she’s really great with kids. Don’t believe me? Here she is with my two year old nephew Jordan.

Jordan: “Come here Phoebe! Cuddle me!

Squishy puppy! Her face is kind of says ::sigh:: really?!

Joel said he thought Jordan was trying to perform the Vulcan mind meld on her. We do call him Jordie after all. Don’t worry, I made sure he didn’t actually put his fingers in her eyes.

This was the last picture I took. She was ready to get down but there was no growling or lip curling. She was totally resigned to the cuddles and pulling.

Seriously I don’t know how I ended up with such a great dog. There are a lot of things I’m worried about when I think about having my own kids. Whether or not Phoebe will get along with the babies however, isn’t one of them.

I love that sweet little girl.

Little black rain cloud

At the store we have a lot of free samples. We’re new so people have no idea what’s good (hint: every single thing.They’re not even making me say that.) and when they taste something and like it they usually buy it. Even if they don’t buy it right then, they get excited about it and tell their friends. Can’t lose.

At the grand opening there were of course the most free samples. We had tons of stuff we were giving away. Soda, ice cream, cheese, chips and bread with several different kinds of dips, baked goods, beer, wine…. I mean, you could have made a round through our tiny little store and had an entire meal.

People wandered around, checking things out and most were really excited about the store. Some people however won’t ever be happy no matter what. I feel sorry for those people. What a miserable life, finding everything that’s wrong with everything.

Anyway, I was handing out free bottles of soda and single serve ice cream when a guy wandered into the store. He had a mopey expression on his face and kind of stood off to the side. He then moved closer to my table,

I heard you guys were giving away free stuff.”

“Oh yeah, we have all kinds of things all over the store. Would you like a soda or some ice cream?”

He looked at the bins of my stuff and turned up his nose at it.

“I don’t like soda”

I told him to have a look around because there was plenty of other things he could try.

I didn’t see him for awhile and gave away most of the rest of my soda in the mean time. When he came back there were only a couple left.

He seemed even more mopey and annoyed and said to me,

It’s all small stuff.”

Um, duh! Was what I wanted to say. Instead I smiled and told him,

Well of course. They want you to try things and like them so much that you buy them.”

To this he rolled his eyes. I mean, seriously Dude? What exactly do you think we’re in the business of doing? We have to make money. Again, duh.

I offered him a soda again but he still turned me down.

He was kind of standing off to the side all gloomy and sad like a real life Eeyore. All he was missing was the rain cloud hovering over his head. In the mean time, I handed out all but the last of the sodas. He moved closer but only to complain more.

“I wanted to pick up something for a friend.” As if we were giving away entire plated meals to-go.

Someone came by and asked for the last soda in my bin. Of course, since Eeyore had already turned it down I gave it away without a second thought. I popped the cap off, handed it to the happier customer and then Eeyore was all,

Hey, now there’s none for me.”

Um, excuse me? You turned me down, not once but twice.

I just kind of looked at him in surprise and the happier customer offered it to Eeyore. Can you imagine? You take a sample and as you get it a full grown man literally whines about there not being one for him because you took it? Seriously awkward! What else was there to do?

Eeyore turned the customer down too. After they walked away with their soda, Eeyore turned back to me and whined,

Now are you going to get me one?”

At this point I just wanted the whining to stop so I went to the soda case and thank God there were more sitting in there. Technically those were for sale but by that point I probably would have paid for it myself. I brought it back and handed it to him. He took a sip and then sighed

I don’t even really like soda.”

::facepalm::

Virgin hair no more

I finally did it. My hair can no longer wear white to it’s wedding. Instead, it will be wearing red.

Because red? So much better than white. Or brown for that matter.

Today I took the plunge and completed number 23 on my 30 by 30 list. I dyed my hair red.

I go to the Aveda Institute in Chicago to get my hair done. Their prices are lower than even a place like Super Cuts but I feel comfortable with the quality of the products and I’ve never had a bad hair cut there. The last several cuts I’ve had done by the same girl and I heart her. She’s fantastic.

It was fun when they were discussing my color because they kept referring to my virgin hair. They actually use the words virgin hair which of course made me giggle inside. I’m clearly twelve.

Anyway, the process of the dye and cut took over four hours. Apparently my hair is quite thick.

This was part of the way through the process. She had to get more dye. For the third time. Ha!

Side note, I tried cucumber water for what I’m pretty sure is the first time. Not delicious. I like cucumbers but I think they’re better suited dipped in hummus than as a water flavor. The flavor is actually kind of nauseating. Blech.

The whole time my stylist was as giddy as I was about how good the color was going to look. Once it was done I seriously had so many students and instructors come up and say how gorgeous the color was. And they see a lot of dye jobs so you know it was good.

Oh, here’s a question. How do you react when someone tells you you’re pretty? Like, a matter of fact statement, not a guy hitting on you. One of the instructors came to check my hair at one point in the process and after she introduced herself was like “You’re very pretty.”

Hello, ego boost.

At the same time though it’s so hard to just say thank you. I always feel the need to justify compliments. I resist, but I always want to. It’s probably a whole other post on body image and self esteem but it surprised me and made me think. More than anything though it kind of made my day. Because who doesn’t want to be told they’re pretty?

After my appointment I tweeted about how much I loved my new ‘do and planned to post a picture shortly after. Except I hit traffic… on the way to Aunt Becky’s house to hang out. First Twitter friend I actually got together with. It couldn’t have been a better first tweetup. Because Becky? Every bit as awesome in real life as she is online which makes me so happy. Anywho, her and her adorable munchkins totally distracted me from Twitter (ironically) or posting pictures of my hair. I’m officially a giant tease. Sorry.

So, without further ado, the new hair.

It’s not shockingly different and my stupid cheap camera doesn’t do the color justice.

Perhaps tomorrow I can get a better picture in the sunlight. But you get the idea.

Bonus! I got my headband in the mail today from Krust

AH-dorable!*

I’m very happy with it. I think next time I’ll go even more red.

I think the whole fiery red head thing suits my personality very well.

*double bonus, cleavage shot! You’re welcome.

Yet keeps moving

One question I get asked a lot is “When are you going to start having kids?” Is it just me or is that basically asking about my sex life? Like, why don’t you just ask what positions are our favorites? Or what kind of birth control we use. Or how often we do it.

While I wish I had the nerve to come back with “I’m not sure. So how’s your sex life?” I generally say something along the lines of  “We want kids eventually. We’re just not ready. Yet.”

When Joel and I got married we knew we didn’t want kids right away. We wanted time to really get to know each other better. To laze around the house in all states of undress. To go on a weekend trip on a moments notice. Basically we wanted time to be a fun, young married couple. We said we wanted to wait three to five years.

We’ve been married almost four and a half years.

Ho. ly. crap.

I love, love, love kids.  However, if I’m being totally honest I love kids less now than I did in my late teens and early earlier 20’s. Don’t get me wrong. The little kids in my life? Adorable. Love them to death. Can’t imagine my life without them. But there’s always the option to send them to their mother when I don’t want to deal with them.

What will it be like when I’m the mother?

Freaky.

Then there’s the whole sleep issue. When I don’t get enough sleep? Frankly, I’m kind of a bitch. What if I can’t handle the lack of sleep?

What if I don’t like my kid?

I love my freedom. I love having days of doing absolutely nothing at all. Once I’m a mom that’s gone, mostly likely forever.

Am I ready to give that up?

Will I ever be?

Anyway, this is on my mind lately. I definitely want kids. In fact, I kind of want a lot of kids. Now that I’m grown up and close to my siblings I want to give my children the same kind of experience. I’m pretty sure I don’t want 8 like my dad but definitely more than 2.

Actually, I’ve joked that we’ll just keep having kids until we get a bad one. Then we’ll stop.

I’m mostly kidding.

But seriously, I’m scared of having a colicky or difficult baby. Or getting postpartum depression.

I’m really scared that I’ll be a bad mom.

I’m so selfish. Not just sometimes. Most of the time. Growing a baby doesn’t magically change your personality does it?

I mean, even now I get so hurt and frustrated when my mom doesn’t have time for me. I hate not being able to get a hold of her. I’m twenty-freaking-four. Once you’re a mom, you’re always and forever a mom.

I’m just not sure when I’ll ever be ready to go from Me to Mom.

Since we hit that magic we’ve-been-married-for-three-years milestone we keep setting future dates to start trying. When the date comes we get cold feet and push it off further. There’s just so much I want to do.

I want to:

  • run a marathon
  • pay off our credit cards
  • buy a house
  • have some money in savings
  • get sexy pictures taken of me so I remember my awesome pre baby body
  • get in shape enough to where I feel like I have an awesome pre baby body

And ya know, a million other things that always seem to come up. I just don’t know if there will ever be a time that feels like it’s right. I’m afraid if I just keep waiting around to be ready it’s never going to happen.

Someone please tell me how you knew that you were ready. Did you wish you would have waited longer? Not waited as long?

It’s worth it right?

I want to be a young, fun mom. I just keep saying I’m not ready yet. But yet? Just keeps moving.

Wordless Wednesdays: Silly fun

First world problems

I got a super short night of sleep last night. Thankfully it was longer than originally scheduled. I left work around 11:45pm (an hour and 15 mins later than scheduled. Stupid last minute rush that made me tips so never mind.)

On the original schedule I was supposed to be at work at 4:30 the next morning. Not the shortest night of sleep I’ve ever had but dang.

Also, yuck.

Thank god my manager is a nice person and that was a scheduling mistake not a purposeful attempt to make coffee essential to my survival. I didn’t complain about it because I know we’re kind of short staffed and didn’t want to be a whiner. She actually realized it and went out of her way to find someone to switch with me. She actually told me it woke her up in the middle of the night. This made me laugh because 1. Aw, that’s nice and 2. I would so do something like that.

My switch wasn’t too much later though. I still had to be back at work at 6:30am. So a short night but more reasonable than the nap I was going to be stuck with before.

With four hours of sleep and a “taste test” of the espresso shots I was fairly functional. What? We definitely have to do that. So what if the girl who actually opened already had done it. It needed to be done.

Shut up.

We weren’t super busy either so I didn’t have too many opportunities to spill hot coffee all over anyone. I get clumsy when I’m sleepy.

I did get called stupid though which is always fun. Math isn’t my strong point in the first place. When I’ve had very little sleep? Bah. So yeah, the receipt paper ran out and I accidentally put the wrong type of paper in the machine. That meant nothing printed out and I hadn’t noticed the change that was due. Whenever these things happen? I panic. I can do math. Adding, subtracting, multiplying… I can do it. When I panic however? It’s much harder.

I took a breath to try and figure it out (I had to remember the price too) and tried to make a joke about it being early. Instead of laughing the lady was all “No, it’s just your generation. You’re useless without computers.” She then proceeded to tell me the change she was due.

Whatever lady. Psh. I know I’m not stupid but it’s cool if you think so. Super speedy math skills is not the only sign of intelligence. At least I can write good.*

Everyone else was super nice and I even was taught a new drink by a customer. Obviously I don’t know how to make all coffee drinks but if someone can tell me what goes in a drink I can totally try to make it. The drink was a Cuban which is a double shot of espresso extracted with raw sugar. So yummy.

Bonus: Naturally I had to try this new drink. Because obviously.

One of the owners came in later in the morning and ordered a coffee. Until they figure out something different the policy is that everyone pays for everything from the store. It’s definitely weird charging the owner for a cup of coffee but whatever, there’s no confusion then.

As he was paying he was pulling money out of his pockets and putting it on the counter while complaining about carrying around way too much change.

Ok, now I don’t know about you, but when I feel like I have “too much change” that generally means too many pennies and nickels. Maybe dimes. Quarters and up? I’ve never felt I had too much. Maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, the change the owner was pulling out of his pockets mostly consisted of quarters and dollars. And a ten dollar bill. All this change of which there was just too much? He proceeded to dump into our tip jar. It was like twelve-fifteen dollars, people!

I’m not sure if I was clear about the fact that there was a ten dollar bill.

I wasn’t sure if he was serious but yep, he totally was. He laughed about it and then I made some awkward joke about wishing I had the problem of my pockets being too full of money. Tough life.

So yeah, I take this as a sign the store is doing well. The owners are walking around weighted down with annoying little ten dollar bills they have to get rid of.

Like I said, first world problems.

*Yes, I know that’s bad grammar. Irony people.

Small Moments Mondays

I am so honored to have been asked to be a part of Nichole’s (ITSMoments) Small Moments Mondays guest post series on her blog: In These Small Moments.

Nichole is one of my favorite bloggers and tweeters. She has a lust for life that is contagious and inspires me to stop, smell the roses and focus on every wonderful moment of life. We’ve also had many late night conversations on Twitter that led to snort filled giggle fits.

Please go check out my post about my Sweet Caroline, the little girl I used to be a nanny for. Then make sure you stick around her blog and read some more of her post. I promise you will love it and then want to go hug the ones who mean the most to you.

True rock and roll

Tonight I finally got to see one of my all time favorite bands in concert. One that I’ve been dying to see since I was, oh, 12 or so when I first fell in love with their music.

Aerosmith.

True rock and roll legends.

And trust me, when they take the stage you can see why they are legends.

First of all they look like they’ve been partying, hard, for the last 40-80 years. I’m not saying they’re old. I’m just saying that the rock and roll lifestyle is not an affective anti-aging method. You know it’s bad when I could tell from this far away.

Yep, we were cheapos responsible and bought lawn tickets. Made it so getting pictures of the actual band was impossible. The show however was every bit as enjoyable as any other where I’d been right next to the stage.

They’re just that amazing.

In fact, sitting out on the lawn was better in a lot of ways than having a seat. Joel and I got to stretch out and cuddle while we waited for them to play.

No comfier way to see a show, that’s for sure.

Then, when Aerosmith took the stage?

I died.

No really.

Oh. my. god. I love them.

I was impressed and kind of surprised by the range of ages at the show. There were plenty middle age folks like I expected but there were a ton of people our age and even a surprising number of kids. It’s so neat to me how Aerosmith spans generations without having changed their sound much at all.

Again, they’re just that good.

Highlights of the show were:

*Steven Tyler making a smoking pot gesture when he gave us lawn folks a shout out. Yeah, definitely a lot of pot smoking going on in my general vicinity. Unfortunately no one offered to share.

*Joe Perry “battling” his Guitar Hero self. He was sick of kids coming up to him and telling them they beat him in the game. He of course kicked his own ass. Then again, he was judging.

*Steven Tyler humping one of the cameras. Classy.

*Steven Tyler getting bras thrown at him. Some things never change. Also? Classy.

*Joey Kramer’s drum solo. He has some serious talent. He also loves attention…. as any good rock star should.

*Them playing too many of my favorite songs to name. Singing along with Steven Tyler live was just… ::sigh:: … incredible.

They’ve been one of my favorite bands since I was 12. I can’t think of any band I’ve liked as much for as long. We had tickets for their last tour (a year ago?) but Steven Tyler fell off the stage and broke his hip or something and they canceled the rest. Leaving me devastated of course. I was scared to get excited for this show until we were actually almost to the venue.

Thankfully it lived up to and exceeded my expectations. They were the last on a long list of bands I *had* to see in concert.

I think I saved the best for last.

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