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Dark thoughts

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. There are so few words that are as ugly. The words that are as ugly? Usually are related to hate in some way.

Sometimes, if I let myself think too hard I start having hateful feelings. They usually start as sadness. Then anger at the fact that I’m sad. Then the real ugliness tries to creep in.

Because sometimes I’m still so angry.

Angry at what I feel was taken from me.

Angry at what I believe to be unfair treatment towards me.

Angry at actions that I absolutely don’t understand and may never have an explanation for. And even if they were explained I doubt the answer would satisfy me.

It just feels so fucking unfair.

Then I feel my whole body tense. My teeth clench and I only breathe in short, shallow breaths. My shoulders tense up and I can feel my forehead furrow. My nostrils flare. Often I start to shiver.

If I let myself at that point my thoughts start to get so dark and ugly. I have caught myself wishing physical harm and even death on certain individuals. I am not even a little proud of this.

How dare they make me feel this way? How fucking dare they.

Then I remember, I control how I feel. I remind myself to take deep breaths. I unclench my teeth and purposely relax my forehead. I am so not letting them give me wrinkles. I roll my neck from side to side with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing.

I will not hate them. No. It only hurts me.  I refuse to let them make me unhappy.

You know what? My life is good. Actually, my life is unbelievably fantastic. No sarcasm. Hating only gives away my control of my feelings and, after all that’s been taken from me, I refuse to allow that to be taken too.

I am still hurt, angry, confused and rejected. However, hate? I will not do that. I will not think it. I do not hate them.

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. It’s one word that is never allowed in my life.

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4 Comments

  1. You know what I hate? Things that make us have those sort of thoughts. And while I don't know your personal experiences, I have my own demons.

    My husband commented a few months ago about my use of the word hate. That he doesn't want our daughter knowing the word to be used on a daily basis.

    He was very right.

    I try not to use it anymore, but occasionally I catch myself using it. This was a good reminder for me.

    • Yes, the things that make us have these thoughts suck. Suck isn't even a strong enough word.

      But hating them hurts me. I've already been hurt so it's stupid to let it hurt me anymore than it has to.

      I'm glad it was a good reminder for you. It certainly was for me.

  2. Hate? Always hurts me more than the thing I am hating.

    So I try very hard not to hate.

    But it's hard.

    Especially when people seem to WANT me to hate them.

    Sigh.

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