Very Brave

Today we went to the fair out in Indiana. Joel’s putting together a video for me that I’ll post later. For tonight I’ll just leave you with this teaser.

Anthony couldn’t have been more excited to hold the python. Afterward he kept telling people “I got to pet the snake. I was very brave.”

Dark thoughts

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. There are so few words that are as ugly. The words that are as ugly? Usually are related to hate in some way.

Sometimes, if I let myself think too hard I start having hateful feelings. They usually start as sadness. Then anger at the fact that I’m sad. Then the real ugliness tries to creep in.

Because sometimes I’m still so angry.

Angry at what I feel was taken from me.

Angry at what I believe to be unfair treatment towards me.

Angry at actions that I absolutely don’t understand and may never have an explanation for. And even if they were explained I doubt the answer would satisfy me.

It just feels so fucking unfair.

Then I feel my whole body tense. My teeth clench and I only breathe in short, shallow breaths. My shoulders tense up and I can feel my forehead furrow. My nostrils flare. Often I start to shiver.

If I let myself at that point my thoughts start to get so dark and ugly. I have caught myself wishing physical harm and even death on certain individuals. I am not even a little proud of this.

How dare they make me feel this way? How fucking dare they.

Then I remember, I control how I feel. I remind myself to take deep breaths. I unclench my teeth and purposely relax my forehead. I am so not letting them give me wrinkles. I roll my neck from side to side with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing.

I will not hate them. No. It only hurts me.  I refuse to let them make me unhappy.

You know what? My life is good. Actually, my life is unbelievably fantastic. No sarcasm. Hating only gives away my control of my feelings and, after all that’s been taken from me, I refuse to allow that to be taken too.

I am still hurt, angry, confused and rejected. However, hate? I will not do that. I will not think it. I do not hate them.

Hate is such a strong, ugly, nasty word. It’s one word that is never allowed in my life.

Hearts of coffee

I love coffee. Like, a lot. I tend to have an addictive personality so to prevent brown teeth and headaches I limit my coffee to just special treats. Still, I do love coffee.

Several months ago I was offered a job as a barista at a little shop that was planning to open soon. Construction took longer than expected but I’m finally getting started. Yesterday and today I was privileged to have training at Intelligenstia roasting works in Chicago. We learned the art of making espresso. Yes, it’s an art.

We also were taught actual latte art.

Lovely isn’t it?

It is NOT as easy as it looks. At. All.

However, it is so much fun. I know so much about espresso now and the drinks that are made with them. Obviously there is much I don’t know. There is so much more science behind making coffee than you’d ever expect. Our trainer used all kinds of big words that I was only remotely familiar with. Since I’m a giant nerd though I found it fascinating. It helped that our trainer was one of the coolest people I’ve met in a long time. I want to be her. Just a little though.

We have orientation on Monday. The store is set to open mid-late August. I’m excited. But also nervous. Mostly excited though. I have a feeling that I’m really going to love this job.

I also have a feeling that avoiding coffee addiction? Won’t be possible for much longer.

I’m ok with that.

Wordless Wednesdays: Feels like home

English and crocodile tears

I mentioned yesterday that getting from Rotterdam to Amsterdam via the train was a bit of a fiasco. Before reading this there are three things you should know. 1. I used to live over there so I have a fairly good idea of how the train system works. Or at least I think I do. 2. I speak Dutch fairly well. I’m not 100% fluent but I speak it well enough to get around and understand what’s going on around me. 3. Thinking you know things better than you actually do can be worse than not knowing anything at all.

Once I got into Amsterdam I was supposed to meet a former au pair friend of mine but I couldn’t get a hold of her before I left. We had talked the day earlier and she said she’d be into Centraal Station around 6pm. I could have gone earlier and been with my host family’s current au pair but I wanted to spend a few more hours with them. At the time I thought I would leave for home early the next morning and wouldn’t see them for a long while. Ha!

Anyway, of course I hung around until the last possible second and got to the station way later than I should have been. Since I was running late I decided to take the express train since it would get in at 6 instead of the normal getting in at 6:30.

I’d never taken the “super fast” train before so I asked at the desk for that train specifically. I double checked when she handed me the ticket that it was for the fast train. Oh no, I have to pay extra for the fast train. Ok I knew that (and why I asked for the fast train but whatever). I paid the extra, she handed me a different ticket, I took that one and made a run for the train since I had less than five minutes until it was supposed to leave.

I was relieved that I am a fast runner and made the train with a minute or two to spare. I found my seat and glanced down at my ticket. That’s when I realized what I was holding in my hand wasn’t a ticket at all. All I had was a voucher for the extra fee. In a panic (because the fine for not having a ticket can be 50+ euros) I went to the door to ask if what I had was enough. Nope, he said. I stood at the door not knowing what to do. I would like to mention that to the conductor, I spoke English. Sure, I could have easily spoke Dutch but then? How could I feign being an ignorant tourist?

The train was leaving so there was no way I could go all the way back to the ticket counter. If I waited then I spent an extra 8 euros for nothing since the next express train wasn’t for another hour. I’d just have to take a normal train. I told him I paid for a ticket but this voucher was all I had. He was nice and said a ticket was only 10 euro so I should just stay on the train.

That would have been fine but stupid me only brought a few euros more than I would need to get there and back. I opted not to bring my credit card because I didn’t want to lose it. At this point I was at the brink of tears. I was mad that I was going to pay double for a ticket and worried that I wouldn’t have enough money to get home.

As soon as the conductor came by I burst into tears. I’m talking, giant crocodile tears. I started to tell him I wouldn’t have enough to get home and I really did pay for a ticket I swear. He interrupted me mid outburst and asked how much I had paid. I told him how much and he said not to cry, someone found my ticket. He then stamped both tickets and walked away leaving me feeling like an idiot for crying.

I wish I could thank whomever found my ticket. Or maybe the conductor just felt bad for me and pretended someone did and so he could let me on the train. Either way, I had enough money to get me there and home despite my poor planning.

After I got to the station I waited around for several minutes before I heard that my friend was actually sick and not going to make it. I know she couldn’t help it but seriously? I went through all that just to get there 20 minutes sooner… and I wasn’t even meeting anyone. ::sigh::

As you know I ended up having a great time anyway. Why the darn lady at the ticket counter didn’t call after me I’ll never know. I really don’t think I was running that fast that she didn’t notice. I also don’t remember there being anyone behind me, or even in the ticket area at all. Thank goodness for English and my ability to cry crocodile tears on command.